Me and my virtual father

cedars

Hi everyone

This is a bit of a rant I'm afraid. Those who are squeemish when it comes to dysfunctional families, look away now.

My Dad is a widower, and has been for a good few years now. Despite being quite a social person, he hasn't managed to settle down with anyone new. I feel desperately sorry for him, because he lives on his own and has nothing but his TV for company. As you might expect, "the Truth" is his whole universe, and he throws himself into it fully. He relies upon it for friends and activities with which to busy himself. He's also an elder, and has his "privileges" to attend to, which he enjoys.

My Dad is now practically the only thing standing between me and a DA letter. He's openly told me he would shun me if I took that step, but up until tonight he thought I was bluffing. He's allowed himself to think I'm in a temporary lapse of spirituality, and that I will soon be back up and running in the organization once I'm over it. As you will all know, that ain't gonna happen! Tonight's phone conversation was the first time I've explained it all in unequivocal terms. He was shocked.

Usually we talk and laugh about really superficial stuff. On this occasion, however, things came to a head. I'm having problems that I need his support with, but instead, he's using the "tough love" approach that he's learnt from the Society. Not only is his love conditional on me not disassociating myself - it's also conditional on me playing by his rules in other areas. I know he can't help it, and he's just conforming to his JW upbringing, but he's become a 'virtual' father. Tonight I couldn't stand it any longer, and I snapped.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when he insinuated I was "judgmental" for having unreasonable expectations of him as a father (i.e. not being shunned over religious differences, being able to call on him for support with problems under any circumstances, how unreasonable!). I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I told him if anyone was being judgmental between the two of us, it was he. As you can imagine, the conversation descended from there.

I ended up upsetting him with a number of inconvenient facts about the organization. He didn't like it one bit, and the conversation ended awkwardly. Even though the barriers went up quite early, I'm pleased with myself for letting him know how I feel, so that he's under no illusions anymore. I feel like he finally knows where I stand on things. Still, it's so damned frustrating.

The weird part is, I don't even WANT him to know the real truth. If he knew what I know, it would likely destroy him. It would remove almost everything he has left in his life - I've even told him as much. At the same time, what is a father/son relationship if you can't be honest and open about stuff? Do I just have to keep things on life support with meaningless futile conversations that revolve around absolutely nothing of significance?

Today I more or less decided I would remain inactive anyway for as long as possible. I really want to write a book, and my wife and I think it would be a powerful statement if we could get it published while I am still technically a JW. However, tonight I realised that maybe there is no longer any family reason not to DA as I first thought. If you can't have an honest and candid relationship with your father, then what's the point in having one at all?

This sucks.

Over to you.

Cedars

Mickey mouse

It sucks big time. Been there, got the T-shirt.

chicken little

Never do anything in the heat of the moment that you may regret later. Cool down, give yourself and your Dad some space. Maybe when you approach him next you can apologize if you hurt his feelings abd explain that you were also hurt by his words. If you DA you play by their rules, there is no need to do that because your Dad is compelled to follow the rules even though it will cut him up inside. Keep the way open for you to still have a relationship with him even if it is not as you would really want it to be.

-that is my sixpence worth.

Dagney

It hurts.

I'm sorry.

compound complex

Greetings, Cedars:

My support and a PM later tonight (I'm in California). My similar experience recommends saving the relationship, but more on that later.

All the best.

cedars

Thanks to everyone who's responded so far. I know I'm by no means the first to go through all this, but it's still nice to be re-assured that others have been there and done it ahead of me.

It's really late here and I'm exhausted so I'm off to bed. I'll read and respond to any further messages in the morning.

Just to be clear, I'm not on the verge of disassociating - although I've been giving it serious thought these past few days. It's just ironic that my sole reason for remaining a JW now appears to be an unwritten book, and not my flesh and blood father! Crazy stuff.

Thanks to you all for caring!

Cedars

Nambo

Though a lot here have been hurt and damaged by the troof, seems as if its doing your Father (and a lot of folk), a great deal of good, without the troof, what would your Father be left with?, the TV?

I belive the troof is just another man-made religion that gets a lot of things wrong, but that you can still find God there, same as you can find him on the top of a mountain with just yourself and a Bible, I think most people are Spiritually safer for now amongst Christian peers in any religion, for it is so much more difficult when you are isolated.

When Jesus really does return, he will send the Two Witnesses to call his sheep out of all the religions.

For now your Father might be safer and happier where he is untill Jesus is ready to call him when the real truth is established.

Marvin Shilmer

Cedars,

“Family” is a funny thing. What it means varies widely. The emotion it evokes varies widely and for a variety of reasons.

You expect things of your father. Your father expects things of you. But there is something interfering with an orderly traversing of those things one to the other.

Don’t think you’re alone. You’re not. And, don’t think it’s a Watchtower thing. It’s not. It’s a societal thing that’s been around as long as there’s been human society. Personal expectations are rooted in so many diverse notions and sentiments that it’s a very individual experience/perspective. In your particular instance Watchtower-ology might be at the root. But there’s plenty more non-Watchtower issues that cause lots and lots of dysfunction betwixt family members all over the world.

Sometimes we have to learn to enjoy relationship what we can have with our family members. Sometimes that possible relationship costs something we cannot give.

Sometimes a friend is closer than family.

Marvin Shilmer

http://marvinshilmer.blogspot.com

Black Sheep

Do I just have to keep things on life support with meaningless futile conversations that revolve around absolutely nothing of significance?

Yes!

That is about as good as it gets. Religious conversations with old JWs just brings their insanity to the fore.

transhuman68

I really don’t know… sometimes we make life harder and more complicated than it really is. The Witnesses are only a religion like the Catholics and the Anglicans…the cycle of life will continue with or without them…people being born, people having babies, and people dying… that’s what is important. Probably best to forget or ignore the Witness factor and just get on with your life. .

And sometimes too we expect too much from parents, long after the time when they had their day and they were who we are now. I stayed friends with my dad, and cooked him lunch when he came to visit; and one evening the police rang me to say he was dead- died of a heart attack while mowing the lawn. And that’s life.

So just chill out and love your dad for who he is… or isn’t… and don’t expect too much- everything changes.

Peter.

Me and my virtual father

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