What is a friend?

Billygoat

Susan is a funny, beautiful, kind, and generous woman. She donates regularly to her church and other charities, large amounts of money. She would help anyone in need however she could when it comes to financial or physical giving. She also happens to have very low self-esteem (although she doesn't know it), cheats on her income taxes, cheats on her health insurance (by hiding pre-existing conditions), materialistic to the point of thousands of dollars in debt, lies to herself and friends, is lazy, fights "dirty" (can't stay on topic, makes things personal, etc.) and often times will not let people share their viewpoint if it does not agree with hers.

When Susan is a friend of yours, how do you deal with her as you discover these "dark" things about her personality? What if you do talk to her about it and she goes ballistic on you? Do you choose to not say anything at all? How would you handle it?

Valis

Hi Andi...sometimes friends can be quite vexing. They do things you do not approve of but in the end you have to take the good with the bad. If there are things about them you don't like you just have to make sure when you are around them those things are not at issue. Otherwise you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the why and how you can change them or fix them. I have all sorts of "friends"..many of which do things that even I don not care for like use really hard drugs. It pains me to see them ruining themselves, but it is not my life or mine to say how they choose to live. All I can do is be the better friend and help, hang out when I can.

jillbedford

Nobody is perfect. We find things we do not like in our friends and they find things they do not like about us too.

That is what a true friend is, one who have love and affection for you despite your shortcomings, and we all have them.

However, we still want to be true to our own core values. Choose friends carefully.

Billygoat

Another question: If you have "dark things" about your personality, do you want to hear about it from your friends/loved ones? Do you want honesty or for them to leave you alone and not address it?

Valis,

They do things you do not approve of but in the end you have to take the good with the bad.

This is a great point that I have a tendency to forget.

Andi

bikerchic

Ohhhh Andi I personally stay away from toxic people. I just don't have time nor energy for crap in my life, mine or theirs!

But like Travis said you take the good with the bad, the way I do it is if they have more of the traits I like/love than the ones I hate/dislike I can tolerate them for brief times and avoid at all cost discussing those things which make them go ballistic. It is not my job to try to change them, and after listening to their endless babble of how bad life sucks for them at some point you can say , "humm how much did you volunteer for this crap?" In other words they are a casual friend not a real true friend nor one that would earn any out of the way help from me. I'm very guarded with whom I am friends with but I am also very loyal to those who earn it.

I got this in my email yesterday from a dear friend and thought I would pass it along:

A REAL FRIEND TEST!

This is GOOD...I expect it back too!

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.

A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend has never seen you cry

A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.

A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.

A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.

A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.

A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.

A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.

A real friend expects to always be there for you!

A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it.

A real friend passes it on and sends it back to you!

Pass this on to anyone you care about.....if you get it back you have no beginning, no end. It keeps us together, like our Circle of Friends.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you. Pass it on to someone who is

a friend to you....

INSTANTLY WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER, YOU'RE REQUESTED TO SEND

IT TO AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU.

When you are down to nothing ... God is up to something!

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm

Valis

If you have "dark things" about your personality, do you want to hear about it from your friends/loved ones? Do you want honesty or for them to leave you alone and not address it?

Eheheh this is a rather loaded question Andi...LOL

Really though I think there's a couple things here...it is not the job of my friends or family to point out my dark thingys...I know my dark thingys and tend to do rather well with them please and thank you..People who cannot live and let live are not my friends. ..If however I were to get hammered and act like a total ass and forget what I had done then sure...gimme the list so I can apologize, pay for repairs, etc ...not that I have ever done such a thing...

Billygoat

In other words they are a casual friend not a real true friend nor one that would earn any out of the way help from me. I'm very guarded with whom I am friends with but I am also very loyal to those who earn it.

I think perhaps I've been a little "loose" with the word "friend" in my life. I might call someone a friend without realizing they truly aren't friends. When I consider someone a friend, it's one that I'm completely safe with. We may argue, we might even fight, but above all else, I know, no matter what...we are honest, we are each given the opportunity to speak, we are each heard, respected, loved and ultimately forgiven. I attempt to do that with ALL relationships, but it's not always reciprocated and that's where I get hurt.

I've been surprised sometimes with people I consider friends and then find out they aren't at all. It's terribly hurtful and I'm always surprised. Then there are people in my life I've really considered "acquaintances", but they treat me like a good friend. And that always surprises me too, just in a different way.

I've been growing a lot lately. It hurts sometimes.

trevor

When friends confess their problems and weaknesses to me I listen. That means I listen. Then I listen again.

I ask how does that make you feel? Then I listen. Are you happy for things to stay the way they are? Then I listen. Can I help in any way? Then I listen .

Then I listen again. I don't offer advice or make judgements.

Billygoat

Ohhhh Andi I personally stay away from toxic people. I just don't have time nor energy for crap in my life, mine or theirs!

Kate, how do you do this when you've already become committed to a relationship? You know...when you're close and then you realize you're in knee deep. That it's not a healthy person to be around? How do you pull out gracefully without raising any red flags or hurting them?

Valis

Andi if it is really that bad then just don't spend time with them. You can still be a friend to someone and not have the desire to hang out with them a good portion of the time...THEN and I think this is what you were getting to at some point is this...If you decline invitations from them, simply don't hang out maybe they will ask you why it is and then, when they have opened the door, you express your concern. If they take it badly then you simply decide whether or not they merit any further consideration. If you are willing to express concern though you have to be ready for whatever response you get..if you aren't ready then maybe they aren't issues worth broaching. My two centavos..

What is a friend?

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