What is a friend? (page 2)

Valis

BTW a real friend will bring me beer after she gets off work...what time are you leaving again?

alreadygone

A good friend will help you move. A great friend will help you move a body.

Valis

A good friend will help you move. A great friend will help you move a body.

Friends for life will sleep in your freezer..

misanthropic

A good friend will help you move. A great friend will help you move a body.

Friends for life will sleep in your freezer

Too funny!

Billygoat

I realize with Katrina and all the other stuff going on in the world, this is a tempest in a teapot. So thanks for listening.

IMO, a friend is one to whom you can say or do any damned fool thing in your states of idiocy and they remain a close companion. That goes the other way, too, of course. To me, the measure of a friend is the degree of willingness to tolerate.

If you are willing to tolerate Susan, you are a good friend to her. If she is unwilling, well, in my experience the one who loves the more is at the mercy of the one who loves the less.

I hope this helps. My heart goes out to you. Selfishness unbalances a friendship, and that is a very hard thing.

Respectfully,
OldSoul

OldSoul

If you have "dark things" about your personality, do you want to hear about it from your friends/loved ones? Do you want honesty or for them to leave you alone and not address it?

Honesty. OldSoul's Dark Thing: "I am an ass."

Respectfully,
OldSoul

googlemagoogle

1.) i wouldn't care about cheating on income taxes or the insurance...
2.) she can't be that materialistic if she donates so much and helps so much...

lying to a friend is a different story though. i don't know any such person, but i guess if someone would lie to me to get himself some benefit, i'd not really consider that person a friend. i'd not even talk about that though, just move on. but that really very much depends on the person you are.

bikerchic

Hi again Andi! You asked:

Kate, how do you do this when you've already become committed to a relationship? You know...when you're close and then you realize you're in knee deep. That it's not a healthy person to be around? How do you pull out gracefully without raising any red flags or hurting them?

What I've done in the past is to ease off on the relationship. Caller ID is your friend so is your answering machine, you simply monitor calls and only return them when you are under a time crunch and can speak for a few minutes. I quit accepting or being available for all the "stuff" she wants to do which take up time, just be busy and have something else planned. Eventually after being put off your friend will move on to someone else because believe me they always seem to have lots of other people with whom they can ~~suck the life out of~~ be friends with.

You move on Andi and there really is no need to explain to them anything, she will get the hint and yes it's hurtful to you and her at the time but life and people grow apart and move on all the time. There is no need to add insult to injury by telling her all the things about her that bug you and believe me she doesn't want to know anyway and probably does on some level too.

I don't understand the statement of "committed relationship"........I save that for a spouse and my spouse is my first and foremost relationship, my best friend. But then I know between you and me we are at different stages in life and at my stage girlfriends aren't as important, you see I've learned they come and go like the tide, but my honey is here forever and that's where I focus my time and interest. Well on him and on my kids and grandkids, these are the important people in my life and come first.

I have many girlfriends who are in the same stage as me and we "catch up" with our lives and share interest but hardly ever pal around so I realize I'm speaking to a different age group with you Andi and it's just a phase of life you'll go through. You are still at the stage of doing things with your friends and it's an important stage, once children come into the picture things change again and you have less time to give to friends, but these are the friends you typically keep in your life forever so choose wisely those who have less baggage and seem to handle life well without all the drama. You're smart and have a good head on your shoulders you'll figure it out, but don't be a doormat.

Hope that helps.

talesin

Wow, some really good stuff in this thread ... 'best of'.

Three things I learned from one of my shrinks (thank you F., I love you!),,,

1. Don't have expectations ... wait and see what they are willing to give you, you can't expect them to be 'like you'. Everyone brings something different to the table.

Example: You would offer to loan them $20 till payday if you know they are broke, but they never do, even when they know you really need it, because they have 'issues' with loaning money. On the other hand, they will always be there in the middle of the nite when you need someone to talk to, whereas you turn your phone off when you go to bed as you need your rest.

Lesson: Appreciate people for who they are, not for who you would like them to be.

2. If they do it to others, they will do it to you.

Example: Your notice that your friend sometimes likes to gossip and make fun of people. You tell them kindly but firmly that it is not your way, and are pleasantly surprised to find that they cease and desist. Beware - they will talk about you behind your back.

Lesson: There is nothing 'special' about you (and I don't mean that in the larger sense, of course you are special :D), and you are not exempt from their bad behaviours.

3. People rarely intend to do things to us.

Example: Your friend 'goes off' on you because you screwed up in a small thing, and won't listen to your apology. Truth of the matter is, they have trust issues and just don't know how to deal with what they see as a betrayal of the friendship.

Lesson: We are not the centre of the universe, and when people are hurtful, they usually don't realize what they are doing. They are just expressing their own pain.

Now, it's up to us whether we choose to get closer to people as we learn more about them. Learning what our personal boundaries are, and where we want to draw the line, is key.

tal

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