When I was growing up as a good witness, I always envisioned myself (because I always tried to be realistic) marrying a bro who had his own business washing windows, cleaning floors or some such. Of course we would be poor, because I would pioneer forever. I always hoped we would have enough money to have a child or two. Most of the brothers I knew barely made a living. Luckily, the only requirement I had written in stone was that the Brother I dated be smarter than I. Only one boyfriend wasn't, and we only lasted a month. A few years later he married a submissive little thing and popped out two kids. He was the only one who earned a decent living, and she spent every penny he made. Last I heard he was working three jobs to support her. I hope eventually they are well and truly out of the BORG so he can finally take a career advancement and support her in the manner she would like to be accustomed. Ah, screw it, I don't really care about them--HA!
The other brothers I dated were all lower-paid than the "dumb" one. All totally brilliant, but held down by lack of education. Several are out now too. I sometimes wonder if I might run into them on this board--wouldn't that be a hoot. My husband is smarter than all of them. He never bought into the idea of not earning a decent living/having a career. He is somewhat hobbled by his lack of higher education, which he resents--submission is not exclusive to women. When we married as still-active Dubs, we determined not to be co-owners of our cars, not to combine insurance as there was no financial advantage. We both maintained separate bank accounts, and had no joint credit cards, up until this month (after 6 years of marriage. It was never convenient or any financial advantage to merge accounts before now.) I have full input in all decisions, as does he.
It was a good arrangement, but good JWs, who had some idea of how things were, were pretty horrified--especially about the separate bank accounts--as if it's any of their business. When we were engaged my parents tried their damnedest to break us up. Even calling the week before the wedding to tell me if I broke up with him, they would fully "support" me in getting re-established, and not to worry about the money. Their reason? They didn't think I could "respect his headship." They would never have understood if I had told them he didn't intend to impose his headship, we were mates, partners, equals.
When I look back, I can see how unhappy I would have been doing it the organization's way. I can see how much all these intelligent women who are saddled with numb-nuts for husbands who impose headship--how unhappy they are, and how much they resent having to kowtow to every whim of the "head of the household." --" can I buy these shoes, can I move the couch, can we take a vacation, can I have some money, can the kids sleep over at a friends..."
Growing up, all I wanted to be was a mom. I desperately wanted kids. When Pater and I got married, we decided to wait until we bought a house, and wait 3 years. It was so hard to wait, I wanted to start a family RIGHT NOW! We bought the house at the three year mark, then started saying "another couple of years before we have kids won't hurt." Now it's been a few more years.
Two years ago we were still counting on our fingers how many years I had before that clock ran out. I remember thinking really hard about why we kept postponing starting a family. For awhile, I think it was our confusion about being Witnesses. I would think to myself, I can't raise my kids as witnesses, but I can't NOT raise them as witnesses. I didn't want to have kids while still undecided about religion. Then my father started talking about grandkids. He would say things like: "I can't wait till you have kids so I can take them in service/ read them the Bible Story book/ teach them about Jehovah/ sit with them at the meetings and help them answer..." on and on ad nauseum. I remember cringing everytime he started in, thinking I didn't want to inflict that on any child of mine. Grandfathers are supposed to want to take their little grandkids to the zoo, and play ball and feed them ice cream, play monopoly, go hiking... not spend all their time indoctrinating the poor kids.
The more I thought about it, and the further away from the "truth" we got, the more I realized that I was happy without kids. We have a nice lifestyle. We go where we want, when we want. I'm old enough now that kids kind of get on my nerves. We don't have the space anymore because we use it for our interests. I have hobbies, and am starting to get a real social life for the first time ever, now there's school...
I started to discover that maybe the intense desire for children was to fill a void in my heart. I was looking for that "unconditional" love. Not someone who only acted like they loved me when I was pioneering or answering or attending all the meetings. I don't have that void anymore. If I had children, it wouldn't be to complete something missing in me, it would be because we really want them. Right now we don't, and we may not ever. It?s not that I?m a child hater, I really love the little buggers. I can mom-talk with the best of them. My job has revolved around toddlers for many years, and I love being around kids...for a while. As I'm walking away from the tots though, I always breathe a sigh of relief that none of them are going home with me. People who know me are horrified that I'm not going to be a mom because "you would make such a good one." Like it's any of their business.
Life is good, pets are good--you don't need to pay a babysitter. Dinner out costs the price of the dinner, not dinner + $60 for the sitter. We can stay out till midnight without guilt, we can watch loud violent movies anytime. We can decorate our house with antiques, glass art and collectibles... Yep, life is good.
I'm in school now, something I never thought possible. Of course I thought about it through the years as a good witness, but how to fit it in? If I had time to school, I had time to pioneer instead. What if the classes were on a meeting night. I already had so many obligations with the meetings and service, I was so tired, how could I make it work in school. Maybe if I just took one class, but then there's the bad association. It better be a purely academic class, one for fun would be so selfish... It wore me out going 'round in my head with these arguments.
So we got out, and shortly thereafter I took the plunge and enrolled in a vocational program. Massage therapy no less. With energy work, Qi and everything. Talk about personal evolution! I will be licensed to practice at the end of the year, and plan on working on a degree (Bachelor of Science, maybe in exercise physiology to go with the LMT). Part of my desire to go to college is to right the wrong committed so many years ago by the old men in Brooklyn who think pursuing education is selfish. Part of it is because I love to learn, love the school environment, and I have a lot more "growing" to do. Yet another thing I never thought would happen when I was a faithful JW. I had deluded myself into thinking that not "wasting time in a university that could shake my faith" was my own personal choice. How ridiculous. But better late than never. As Dear Abby and Ann Landers used to say "And how old will you be in 8 years if you DON'T go to college?" LOL!
So many things have changed. I'm a different person than I seemed to be. I'm a NICE person. And I'm an agreeable person, and a strong person. Imagine discovering that about yourself at 33 years old, when always you have believed yourself to be mean, contentious and arrogant because that's what you were told by parents/elders/other congregants. Yep, life is good and just keeps on getting better.
How has your JW vision of what life should be changed since you made your escape?
Odrade