Anecdotes needed for my research on bullying within the JWs

by Scully 23 Replies latest members private

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  Scully

  I am looking at the phenomenon of bully tactics used within the JWs - not the physical aggression that we normally associate with schoolyard bullying, but the more covert forms of relational aggression that are used within the JWs.

  Wikipedia defines relational aggression this way:

  psychological (social/emotional) aggression between people in relationships. Relational aggression is a form of aggression where the group is used as a weapon to assault others and others' relationships. It uses lies, secrets, betrayals and other dishonest tactics to destroy or damage the relationships and social standing of others in the group. Also known as covert bullying, social aggression, "female bullying", family bullying or serial bullying, it is a covert form of aggression, used by both men and women in relationships. It is less well-known than physical forms of aggression and therefore much more difficult to detect. Often, the victim may not know the abuser is lying or gossiping about the victim, and the abuser may even pretend to befriend the victim.

  Although modern understanding of relational aggression arose from the study of cliques of girls in school, and despite the fact that the term "female bullying" is often used synonymously with "relational aggression", relational aggression is seen at times in women and men of all ages in spousal, familial, sexual, social, community, political, and religious settings.

  We all know about shunning and marking and exclusion tactics that are endorsed by the WTS. Those are the kinds of experiences that I would like to include as anecdotes in my research, as well as gossip- and rumor-mongering, slander, and so on with the intent to damage or impair a person's ability to socialize normally within the group.

  In addition to personal experiences, I'd like to know how you tried to cope with the bullying, did you talk to anyone about it - and if so whom? What kinds of help was available to you to help you cope with the bullying?

  How did it make you feel? Were you surprised when it started happening? Did you understand why it happened? Who seemed to be the instigator in targeting you? Did the instigator rally others to participate in bullying you, and if so how? Were you able to confide in anyone and gain emotional support? What was the response when you talked to someone you trusted - did they believe you? Were they surprised at the identity of the instigator, and if so, what was said?

  Tell me about the long term effects of the bullying. Trust issues? Difficulty forming friendships and other relationships? Mental health issues? Suicidality?

  Tell me what kinds of things would have helped you cope better. What strategies did you use to minimize the effects of the harassment in your day-to-day life?

  You may post responses here, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to send me a PM. I have purposely posted this topic in Private Discussion and Support to keep any responses posted here from being picked up and archived in a search engine or from being located by casual non-registered lurkers on JWD.

  I am gathering these anecdotes with the objective of including some in a research paper that I am writing, and will inform those whose anecdotes I would like to include prior to publication in order to obtain proper consent and discuss pseudonyms etc to protect your identities and those who are disclosed in your anecdotes.

  Many thanks in advance, Scully
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  nvrgnbk

  This is rather subtle.

  But it happened to me and happens to others all the time.

  I once questioned some expenses of a CO after auditing the accounts for the circuit.

  After that, he "punished" me by not giving me a part on the following assembly program.

  It could appear to be a coincidence, but everything suggested otherwise.

  The message was clear.

  It happens all the time.

  Another incident occurred with a PO and some of us younger Ministerial Servants.

  He gave us "inside" info, indicating that he was trying to get us recommended as elders, but the other brothers were resisting him.

  Years later, we found out that he was vehemently opposed to our recommendation and even resorted to fabricating stories to make sure it wouldn't happen.

  No wonder I always liked The Godfather and Goodfellas.

  LOL!
• 

  tula

  Would paranoia be included with bullying? Because of tactics used...such as shunning or being marked...and we have seen it happen to others, I think people develop a paranoia. They are always concerned about "appearances" leading to a misrepresentation.

  One thing that comes to mind is a thread here where *Sally's* brother in law came over, (as planned) to meet with sallys husband. But Sally's husband was late getting home from work. In the meantime, elders appeared at Sally's door for some reason and she made the brother in law hide in the bathroom. She was PARANOID because of bullying tactics and how something might appear to others.

  Psychological bullying.

  Also, a case where a caretaker took JW to dr. then stopped at the mall to take JW to see friend who worked there, as JW did not get out very often and could not drive. Encountered another JW at mall who ran to elders and reported that the elderly JW was out on the town with a younger member of opposite sex, probably on a shopping spree. The person was only a friend and the JWs ride to doctor visit. A judicial committee was formed because of this and the elderly JW was called into account. He had to bring proof of dr. appointment day and time.

  I think a lot of people try to plan ahead to give proof...just in case. Like having a ready excuse for why they did not attend meeting or function.

  The bullying always makes people defensive and feel like they have to account to someone for every decision they make.

  When people see how rumors get started and how drastically it can affect their lives...I think this reinforces the paranoia.

  When you hear stories about how JC members hide behind bushes or follow people in cars...and YES IT HAPPENS...this serves to keep others in line.
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  compound complex

  Greetings Scully,

  Strange - since early childhood I was always picked on and bullied. It only happened JW-wise among the few who were involved in my since defunct marriage, viz, elders who befriended and were related to the mother of my children. Information about me was passed on to them secretly by the aforementioned female. This, plus my generally less than company-man attitude in the congregation, worked against my having the least of privileges in that particular congregation [I had been an MS and elder years previously, however]. The above banning of CoCo was confirmed by an elder friend who spilled the beans to me.
  
  The ensuing results were exascerbated by divorce and, subsequently, the above "glorious ones" taking counsel against me [they were frequently huddled in the back of the Hall whispering after I walked in - am I paranoid?]. I would raise my hand repeatedly at the hall and be ignored repeatedly at the WT and BS by the non-family elder referred to above. During meeting for service the two elders would help others with arrangements while overlooking me and then go out the two of them alone without so much as an invitation to me. Yet on one particular morning when they were both there I was called on to read the text by the brother conducting. A different elder, who was kindly disposed toward me, conducted book study on a certain occasion where only he, a sister and I were present. He opened with prayer, read all the paragraphs and closed with prayer. On this rare occasion I was permitted to answer.

  How did I deal with it? At every opportunity possible I would approach the two brothers and smile, wish them well and compliment them on a talk or some personal accomplishment. The response was generally dropped jaws and stunned silence. Eventually the "friend" elder came around and of his own volition spoke kindly to me. Never, though, the "family" elder.
  
  Ironically, the congregation members themselves never noticed nor at least said anything. I'd have my hand up ten times at BS - ignored even when no one else would answer - and then, after the closing prayer, we'd all talk and laugh as though nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. I was never talked to nor reproved by the elders.
  
  How did I feel? Mature and trusted friends in whom I confided were dealt with in identical fashion by this one particular elder when it was their turn to be crucified. That sharing of like experiences helped me to see that I was not a spiritual delinquent in the eyes of the friends. It was disheartening, however, in that I went back to the congregation three separate times to attempt a healing of the breach in my family due to divorce. All my family and friends supported and aided me in this endeavor. But that one female person's refusal even to talk to me made me realize that it was a no-win situation; elders for or against me was immaterial at that point.

  I can never go back to what I have just described above. I do miss my family who continue loving and supportive of me. JWD is now my spiritual center.

  Does any of this serve to help you, Scully, in your research? I do hope so....
  
  
  CoCo Contrite
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  Scully

  My goodness.... already you good folks have provided some very interesting angles to what is already a very long and detailed thesis.

  I wasn't sure how to work the notion of "privileges" into the concept of bullying, but it's certainly clear already that it definitely belongs there. I had originally thought to include the "waiting period" for reinstatement once someone is already disfellowshipped, and even incidents of refusing reinstatement to people who have expressed repentance and have applied to the committee to be reinstated, and the like. Thank you nvr and CoCo for your very helpful comments.

  tula, I would probably include induced paranoia as a by-product of being bullied and harassed, although certainly the rumor-mongering you refer to would qualify as a covert bullying tactic. Thanks for posting these experiences.
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  Tyrone van leyen

  Good post Skully. I like the questions you ask, and your understanding of this covert means of inflicting pain on others through bullying in a more socially acceptable way is commendable. I will give you my story, with the principal bully, in his pecking order, through a pm. I have actually alluded to it many times on this forum, so I might sound like I am repeating myself or complaining. I do an awful lot of complaining soemtimes. Just give me a little while. I know it's Sunday, but I have been lagging a bit in my work upstairs. If I fell up to it, you might receive a pm tonight after I'm finished working.
• 

  jgnat

  When my husband confronted a Ministerial Servant for an incident of gossip, the resultant elder storm was direct bullying...of the young woman who revealed the incident to my husband.

  She was repeatedly asked how she had made contact with me (through the internet) and was disbelieved. The elders even suggested a cloak-and-dagger event where they would arrange for she and me to be in the same place, to see if I recognized her.

  She was forbidden to ever communicate with me again, or else she also would no longer be invited over to social events by anyone in the congregation. In effect, she would be "marked".

  There was no direct bullying of my husband, but they continued to deny him priveleges as long as he associated with that congregation.

  That young woman and my husband both left the congregation shortly afterwards.

  By the way, the Ministerial Servant filled in the blanks with fabrications on how my husband and I met.
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  anewme

  Really excellent topic Scully!
  
  
  Anewme
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  Scully

  Tyrone: looking forward to hearing from you later, when you have time.

  jgnat: I can relate to your hubby's plight of being denied privileges, despite doing whatever possible to meet the requirements. Mr Scully played the same follow the carrot game in our last congregation for years. The District Overseer evidently disliked my attitude [not exactly the "quiet and mild spirit" he expected] in response to his rude questioning about my daughter's pierced ears and from that point on, Mr Scully found himself being replaced in whatever capacities he had been working at the KH. He was replaced as the literature counter assistant, reading at the book study, no longer asked to offer prayer on behalf of the congregation or book study group or service arrangements. Once someone else's home was available that had adequate space and parking to have a book study group, the group that we had been hosting in our home was moved, without even so much as a how-do-you-do. I would show up at the mid-week service arrangement and be ignored and excluded from the car groups, and went home in tears more than once.

  It was completely demoralizing, even though I could see the tactic for what it was: exclusion and alienation from our social network in order to force compliance. It was meant to "break" us and turn us into simpering yes-people, dancing to whatever tune the capricious piper decided to play.

  anewme: thank you for giving the topic a bump.
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  compound complex

  Mrs. Scully,

  Completely demoralizing is absolutely correct.

  I did, however, go out on that occasion referred to when the two elders abandoned me - ALONE. But I felt I couldn't go home and surely wasn't going door-to-door by myself. I "trusted" in Jehovah and just parked my car in town, got out and started walking down the street. I met a young man on the street whom I knew, had a wonderful and relaxed conversation and was glad that I had put my best foot forward [there were times when I DID GO HOME!].
  
  The experience was so encouraging that I related it that very night at the service meeting. I am certain that the two elders, who were both present that evening, were warmed at heart by my courage in the face of [their] adversity!

  Regardless of where I now stand spiritually, I have always believed that 'Jehovah's eyes are roving about the earth to show His strength on behalf of those whose heart is complete toward Him.'

  The elders and their sins of omission/commission were of no consequence in the final analysis.

  CoCo

  edited to add: I was called on by a ministerial servant who apparently had not been informed of my persona non grata status!