Summer, 2004
Here I am. It?s 14 years since those first two dream/visions that got the "ball rolling" in this adventure. The end result?
The bottom line is twofold......I?ve come out of the organization, "Steppfordville," though not for the reasons that I had first thought I was leaving....but....I?ve also given up (let go of) the scriptures, something I had never thought I would do. I no longer have the dream/visions......there are no longer any "sightings" or words or movies or ads or songs or "jingles" that reach out to me and pull at me....there are no more "visits" from the "kissing" spirit......everything gradually dissipated.
Oh, yeahhhh....occasionally I have flashbacks to the "hungry" mode.....where I struggle with a strong desire to "imbibe" of the "strong drink" from the scriptures.....and I sometimes "regurgitate" a scriptural thought or two....like a "burp" or exhalation from something grown stale within me.....and occasionally I will think I hear faint murmurings of that old "siren song".....like "little Egypt," doin? her dance, swayin?, singin? "hey-hey-hey-HEY!..kitchee-kitchee-kitchee"and crookin? her finger, beckoning each passerby......but like an alcoholic, I realize that the "sparkling wine-like" scriptures can make me drunk with power....can "pump up" my ego, can make me feel like I?m more than I am....even better than others.....and sometimes can give me illusions that seem to support what I?m being misled to believe....they can also destroy my life, my family, my health (both mental and physical), my credibility, friendships and my self-esteem. I was a "hard case"......and it took a long time and a lot of effort.....but I am strong. To give yall an example.....
In the mid-70's, I was working in Houston, as a "hostess" in a strip club....conning the customers into buying me fake champagne for the commission I recv?d off the sales.....and I began drinking.....to help me calm down and overcome my distaste for what I was doing so I could provide adequately for my children?s needs.....It began with a half-pint a night.....and over a period of time, my drinking escalated to a whole quart of rum each night....straight up.....and then the evening came when I was getting dressed for work and I began to apply my makeup, but my hands were shaking so badly that I couldn?t do it.....so I poured myself a whole glass of rum and downed it to steady my hands.....at the same time I realized that this was bad.....because instead of me using the alcohol for my own purposes......I had begun to NEED the alcohol.....and instead of ME controlling my usage, the alcohol had begun to control my NEED for it......I decided I didn?t need or want anything controlling me......that I could control myself.....but to stop what had turned into an addiction, I would need to get rid of the reason for the addiction......I quit work in the clubs the next day, ridding myself of the reason for the addiction or of what had caused me to begin the actions which led to my addiction. It took several more years and a few more bad experiences with alcohol before I pretty much gave it up with the exception of a rare glass of wine or two on special occasions. I didn?t need AA.....I did it by myself. I suppose yall could call me a self-control-freak, eh? ;)....and after writing this paragraph, I can see how this experience seems to foreshadow the ones I?ve recently finished undergoing.
I realize there are two possible points of view regarding my experiences and how I coped with them and how they affected me. One way is from a scriptural viewpoint....but even that can be divided in its synopsis....one bad, that the experiences were demonic in origin....and one good, that I was receiving "fizzy-call" therapy, "Can two walk together unless they have met by appointment?" The second way of looking at them is from a psychological viewpoint.....that this was a period of mental upheaval and I was having an identity crisis and manifesting symptoms of bipolar disorder, etc.
Yall?s individual points of view are yall?s to chose. As for me.....I have peace of mind now.....and I know that I would NOT have been able to overcome both my need for "Steppfordville" and my addiction to the scriptures.....without the series of events and occurrences I?ve described here for yall....nor could I have accomplished it.......alone.
Frannie B