Thoughts about Depression and Anxiety

by flower 53 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  flower

  This is mostly directed to others that were born/raised in the cult. More specifically those raised in the cult who also suffered from severe depression and/or social anxiety disorder or any other mental illness (other than the normal probs that come with being in the borg).

  Sometimes I wonder if its just me that doesnt feel like a person now.
  Its almost like I never was a person...just a robot. I never really expressed my thoughts, feelings, or opinions or developed interests or friendships with anyone. I've had a few superficial friendships here and there over the years but never did I share myself with anyone or feel comfortable enough around anyone to be a real friend. I was so different than everyone in the world being a witness but I was also an outsider and a loner in the org.

  So is this why now that I want to be social and develop relationships its nearly impossible?

  I've noticed when people want to get to know me they ask questions like what do I enjoy doing for recreation, what my preference on this or opinion on that or favorite place ect. I cant answer simple questions like that. Whats wrong with me? I dont know what I like to do. I've never done anything except go to meetings and in service and sit at home. The occasional recreation periods were brief and depressing to me. I dont know what my opinion is on anything. I hate this. I am noone. I have nothing that makes me a person.

  I cant think or anything. I hate living outside. I know I was miserable in the org but I was safe. This is hard. I probably havent even explained what I was trying to ask but I just dont know why I'm so crippled. I dont really have social anxiety anymore but I just dont feel like a person when I'm around people. People are so 'real' and I feel like a robot. :(

  anyone know what I'm saying and can explain it better?

  flower
• 

  Matty

  I know exactly where you are coming from, and I think you explained it perfectly.

  I was not allowed to cultivate strong friendships with other children whilst I was growing up. There is a web site called "Friends Reunited" in the UK, and millions of people have signed up to get in touch with their old schoolfriends. I didn't have any, so I feel like a total freak when my work mates talk about it. It makes me feel very depressed when I look back. I get very tearful.

  I have "friends" in "the truth", but they are just "fair weather" friends, and if you go back you will get lots of these "friends" - but do you want them? No you blooming well don't. They are phoney.

  We all have to cultivate friends that will accept us for how we really are, not what they want us to be, and I know that kind of friend is REAL.

  Love
  Matt
• 

  Kep

  I felt the same too.
  After I was Df'd I had trouble interacting with people. I had people I knew thru work etc.. but no real friends and no way of knowing how to develop friendships.
  I was very defensive as well and wouldn't let people into my space, so I was my own worst enemy.
  When I really needed my family, I had none, when I needed a shoulder to cry on, there was no one.
  That was 7 years ago and I've been able to come out of it. I still don't have many friends, but that's ok.
  I have a wonderful partner and 2 little girls, and they keep me busy and focused.
  You nailed it Matty
  "We all have to cultivate friends that will accept us for how we really are, not what they want us to be, and I know that kind of friend is REAL."
  Kep
• 

  lauralisa

  Hi Flower,

  Your post really touched my heart. It is clear that you are hurting and wish for the hurt to just stop. I wish it was that simple...

  The first thought that came to mind after reading your post was this: you're alive and well! What I'm trying to say here is you are learning to think and feel - finally - after a lifetime of having your thinking and feeling dictated to you. You wrote:

  I cant think or anything. I hate living outside. I know I was miserable in the org but I was safe.

  You probably look back now and feel you were "safe" then because you didn't have any choice as to how to reason, think, feel, experience TRUE friendship, make independent decisions, trust your own instincts, take risks, explore your inner longings or desires... perhaps you have not yet experienced any measureable intimacy with another trusted friend or lover in your young life, if you're newly "out" of the organization... one way that us humanoids get to know ourselves is through deep, meaningful and safe connections with others...

  No wonder you feel like a "robot", flower; you have been been raised on a steady diet of robot-promoting reflex conditioning. You unfortunately will have to unlearn these responses. I wish it took only a short while but it will take an enormous amount of courage, will, and determination to push on towards becoming - well, becoming YOU, and discovering ALL of the potential you have to explore.... (this is a never-ending journey, btw).

  The woman you seem to be from the small amount of reading I'm able to do on the board seems to have a HUGE amount of will, guts, compassion, empathy and character. It will be cool to watch you evolve. So many people who post here have proven that it does happen - and there are thousands of stories that capture all of the resulting joys and bumps and undescribable grief and calmness and conscious awareness.

  It's probably not out of line to presume that just about everyone who posts here has had to push through the difficult and lonely period that you're describing so well. I know I have; it has not been an easy thing to do at all but one day, I knew I was "over the hump" of the mountain and on the way down (much easier). The peace of mind, and depth of joy I feel at times now are worth all of the effort it took to climb up. Times ten times a billion times a kazillion.

  You are not alone, and you are going to feel better, but right now it's clearly difficult for you. Here's a big support hug to you. Let us know how things go for you, please?

  Take care, love, lauralisa
• 

  maxwell

  flower,

  I was raised a JW. I've just left. Actually I expect that they will announce my DF tonight. But I've felt some of the exact same things. I felt like an outsider to the world and an outsider even in the congregation during my later teens and onward. I had a few good friends growing up, but they all faded out of my life. Not only do I feel like an outsider because of those circumstances, but I was shy and I was pretty much a nerd in high school and college. Still somewhat of a nerd, I guess . Like Matty said, we have to try and cultivate friends that will like us for who we are. Hopefully you have some resources for finding some people to get to know and make friends with. I'm in a big city, and although I may have some learning to go through with making true friends, I think I'll make it.

  Fortunately, I do have a few hobbies and things that I like to do. Museums, bicycling, basektball, playing music are a few of them. If you don't know what you like, then maybe that's a good thing. You can be open to trying a lot of new stuff, which isn't a bad idea for anyone. You'll probably run into something that you like. And depending on what you try, maybe it'll be somewhere where you can meet some people. I go bicycling on the trails here and sometimes people will stop and talk at water fountain on the trail. Maybe I'll try to hook up with a bicycling club I've heard that people join a gym and they meet people there. If people ask my opinion on things I haven't done, I just say, I haven't done that before. Maybe they'll invite you to try it with them. If it doesn't scare you try it. On the other hand, if it does scare you, maybe you should still try it. Maybe one day I'll try snowboarding. I've never even seen a ski slope, but I'd try it if I had the right circumstances. Maybe I'll try ballroom dancing. I've never been a good dancer of any kind. But I'd try it.

  I'm simply suggesting to be open to doing things you've never done before. You might find something you like, and you might meet some other people who like it too, who may develop into friends.

  Maxwell
• 

  Valis

  Some of us are luckier than others when leaving and have been fortunate enough to have helpfull surroundings after. Some not. My cousin went crazy 2 years or so ago and ended up killing himself in a standoff w/police. I blame several things for his final descision. One would be his lack of maturation to the world. He was never able to make real friends, at least not the kind that wouldn't get you in trouble. He also had seemingly no moral/ethical compass. The concept of right and wrong went out the window. His mother and siblings all shared differing levels of support for the WT, so he had no one to help him become a whole person outside the org. He pretty much shunned himself from all of the family, jw or not., which I regret as I had no chance to help him. Its almost like leaving a small child to his own devices. Sooner or later something bad will happen. Don't be the small child. Be the inquisitve one and share your opinons with those around you. It might be that you are just being overly shy and don't give yourself enough credit. Challenge yourself to be a part of the mix as it were. That's the thing I bet that is foriegn, as you said previously that you were safe in the org. There is no mix...just the monotone of no self expression. Its really like coming to this forum and exposing your views and postings to public scrutiny. It isn't a bad thing, just different, which may require that you turn on the charm and take off that robot getup. I'm not dismissing the depression and anxiety issues at all, just trying to offer some encouragement. If you need counseling or therapy for those issues then by all means seek out a professional, or find someone that will really listen to you. Aha! One of those things you might have to persue in regards meeting new people. Wish you the best...

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
• 

  Cassiline

  (((((( Flower )))))))

  Hugs to you.

  I believe that one of the reasons we have problems interacting with others after we have left the org is because it was drilled into our heads over and over that the "worldly" people will die, they are wicked, do NOT get involved with them or you yourself will soon perish too.

  After this brainwashing we (I believe) no longer looked to the people outside the org as people just objects (not humans with feelings and hearts and souls) soon to be a part of the great tribulation. So when we find ourselves in a position where we have to interact with those we once believed evil, demonized, and marked for death it makes us anxious at first, thus causing our anxiety.

  I was appalled at myself when I finally came to this conclusion. How cold we once were to all outside the org. I still find myself even after 11 years out having anxiety and feeling of doing wrong. Where or why that is still there I do not know, except to say its one hell of a cult.

  Its hard to open yourself up when we lead such sheltered lives and learn to trust those whom we were told to hate for years. We listened to the society for so long we no longer know how to listen to ourselves and let out heart guide us instead of men.

  It will take time for the walls that have been built up to crumble but they will and you will feel free emotionally. Its not an easy ride but one day you will feel peace with yourself and those you choose to interact with.

  Hugs to you again Flower. I have a shoulder here for you to cry on and to support you if you like.

  C

  When the pain of being where we are, becomes greater than our fear of letting go...we will risk and heal and grow.
• 

  Imbue

  flower,

  Some of the symptoms you have mentioned are the same symptoms that children of alcoholics experience. Some people go to the Adult Children of Alcoholic program because they have similar family issues. It's called ACOA. Religiosity can be an addiction and have the same effects on children as alcoholism. They have meetings that are free and you may make some good friends locally.

  I would recommend a book by John Bradshaw "Family: the Revolutionary Way to Self Discovery” I have no doubt that you will see yourself in there as I saw myself. He does discuss addiction to religon in this book.

  "Not part of the inner circle class"-Larc
• 

  joelbear

  Dearest Flower,

  I had a horrible panic attack last Thursday. I woke up screaming and sobbing. I was home alone because Mitch was out of town, far out of town in Virginia.

  I called him but became incoherent. I finally sobbed myself to sleep but woke up about 6 and started panicking all over again. I made it to school and went to the counseling office.

  They sent me to the doctor.

  He has diagnosed me as possibly manic depressive and has prescribed medicine that so far seems to be helping.

  I told my mother about it tonight on the phone and she said. I never thought you, of all the people in the family, would have these kind of problems. I told her, Mom, I have always had problems, I just never told you and Dad about them.

  My sister in law called me last week and talked at me, not with me, at me, for an hour last week. She will not have much to do with me because she cannot accept that I am gay. She will not allow me to mention Mitch or any of my friends. I just sat there feeling like a nonperson for an hour.

  I am a nonperson because I am no longer a Jehovah's Witness. I have not yet learned how to be me and be loved for being me. I keep falling back into trying to be something that people will love and all the time hating myself.

  Will the new medication fix this? Not by itself, but I hope it will allow me to be calm enough that I can think through the situation and improve my life.

  Right now, I am still a nonperson, looking at the world and wondering how it feels to be a real person.

  I may never know. I hope that I will, but I don't know if I will ever be able to overcome having to completely bury me under the shell of what people insisted that I be.

  BIG HUGS

  Joel
• 

  seven006

  Flower,

  Congratulations, you have graduated from stage one, "What in the hell am I doing?" and moved on to stage two "Now what in the hell do I do?"

  The answer is simple, any thing you want to do. Since you have just come out of your cocoon you might look around to see what some of the other butterflies are doing. If it looks safe and fun give it a try. Summer is coming, that means parades, forth of July concerts in the park and all kinds of things you can do with your son. You can also leave him with a sitter once in a while and do older people stuff.

  You might want to take a couple of night classes at a local community college like wine tasting or Oriental cooking, Kung fu, water color painting, or something that is cheep but has a lot of people in it. Once you develop some friendships with people in your class you will start to get invited to gatherings. You will meet other people there and begin to develop some group friendships.

  Anything that involves a class or repetitive group gatherings is a great way to meet people. When I first got out I joined a health club. I hung out with people from that club for many years. We went to outside concerts, clubs, parties, boat rides, art galleries, etc. After a while you will find that people can be a great source to cure depression. As long as you keep active you will be able to fight depression. Most groups have people with kids. Doing things with other people and their kids is always fun. When summer is over, you can go back to being depressed. That's what winter is for. If you are lucky, you will find a nice guy to be depressed with you during the winter. That's what fireplaces and white wine are for.

  Take care and cheer up, life is just beginning for you, go out and kick it's butt.

  Dave