As Mr. Spock would often say: "Interesting, very interesting."
Posting the first several parts of my life story evoked an emotional response in me that I didn't fully anticipate; thus the angst. As I've pondered what happened next, (and maybe this is one of the very best things I can derive from sharing my experiences!), what I'm discovering about myself is that, though the "stage" had changed, I hadn't. In some way or another, I was compelled to understand, to rationalize, what was going on: I simply had to find that one simple equation of life that would explain it all. In many ways, I abandoned my heart.
As had been "predicted," I'd been appointed a ministerial servant, just before the fall of 1975. And though I was completely disillusioned with the WTS, and deeply involved with anti-WTS discussions with other brothers and sisters--nevertheless, I stayed on as a MS! Now, how can that be reconciled? Most people would say "Geez, you finally 'saw the light,' and yet you not only didn't leave the WTS, but you stayed on as a servant of them????" What a hypocrite!!
That's a charge against which I can offer no defense.
I do remember trying to justify my continued participation as "I can do more good for the brothers and sisters, my lifelong friends, if I'm still 'in' the Org, than I can if I'm 'out'." To this day, I (and I dare say, many of you) know JWs who themselves have a similar perspective. I'd found yet another temporary solution.
But, on one of the semi-annual CO visits, this particular fellow comes along, a former DO who had (as was whispered in my ear by the PO) been demoted to CO...and did it ever show that this fellow was royally pissed about that. He proceeded to ream each and every single one of us servants, row by row, name by name. The look on his face reminded me of Knorr during that eventful week at Bethel: anger and froth and bile and vitriol, without human compassion or respect for any person.
The next morning, at 6 a.m., I submitted my letter of resignation to another elder (who was one of my closest friends, now deceased).
Now, in my humble opinion it's impossible to imagine that any but the most distantly involved JW could not have known about the seeds of discontent that had been growing for the last 2 years, and I was certainly included in that crop. But to resign as a MS was like sending up a flare, and the "guns" started to turn in my direction. I had several conversations with a couple of "loyal" elders, and I must say, it seemed that their intent was simply to lovingly assist me through some trying times: I would gladly sit down with them today, as long-lost friends. No action was taken.
Another CO came through, and we had similar discussions. I was very open about my disappointment in 1975, and disagreement with the teaching about 1914, and disbelief about the WTS in general. Much to my surprise, he totally agreed with me! I was flabbergasted. How could he agree with me, and yet have the gall to tell me to ignore what we both agreed was the truth about these matters?
It was the same old thing: "Wait on Jehovah."
Well, instead, I decided to test Jehovah.
This was, in probably every respect, a truly adolescent effort on my part: how often had I ever tested the God of the Universe? In my bumbling, I chose a ludicrous case-study: using tobacco. By this time, I'd been studying Greek for several years, and though by no means an expert, I'd come to know enough to know that the WTS outlawing of tobacco (based on their unique application of the Greek pharmakeia) was wrong. So, I went down to the local quick-stop store, bought a pack of cigarettes, came back and sat on the front steps of our apartment, said a prayer to Jehovah to protect me from the demons (in case I was wrong about all this), and had my first smoke.
Nothing happened, other than it made me feel good in a way that I'd never felt before, not even with alcohol.
Thus began phase 2 of my "transition."
PS: fwiw, I promised you all that I would be honest about my experiences, be they good or bad, intelligent or utterly stupid-headed. So here you are having it, warts and farts and all.