Feeling desperate................

by nicolaou 35 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  nicolaou

  Please listen

  There is nothing anyone can do to help. I’m not the first to go through this, I won’t be the last.

  I was raised in the ‘Truth’ as a result of my Mum starting a study when I was 4 years old. That was in 1968. The hysteria of a 1975/Armageddon was just beginning to take root and the sister who studied with my Mum was 100% sure of it. [I know, I’ve listened to her talk extensively about it over the years].

  I recall no birthdays, no Christmas parties and all the embarrassment of being ‘different’ at school. Being a kid wasn’t much fun!

  Once I approached my teens a profound change took over me. Unlike many of my friends in the congregation, I took the Truth very seriously. I studied. I prayed. I formed a really close relationship with my God, Jehovah.
  I used to hate myself for my weaknesses. I only auxiliary pioneered for 30 straight months – I knew I wasn’t as ‘spiritual’ as the Regular Pioneers.
  I gave in to masturbation. More self-hatred. I was a wretch, weak and pathetic – how could Jehovah even look at me? Being a teenager wasn’t much fun!

  At 19 I met a sister from a congregation some 20 miles away. Her father, the Presiding Overseer, refused to acknowledge me for more than 6 months. Why? He wanted his daughter to marry a nice English brother not some foreigner.

  Well we dated by the rules [more or less!] On our wedding night in 1986 we were both still virgins!! I had fallen deeply in love with that young girl and she can still reduce me to a babbling fool whenever she wants to.
  We have been blessed with three gorgeous, talented and balanced children.

  I have found more happiness as a husband and father than I ever did as a child/teenager/single man.

  Now everything I have worked hard at over the past fifteen years is under threat simply because I have learned to think for myself.

  I stood down as a Ministerial Servant over two years ago. I put my last field service report in 16 months ago. I have taken my two sons off the ‘Theocratic’ Ministry School and tonight I will take my name off as well.
  My ‘brothers & sisters’ look me upon as ‘weak’. The elders see me as a dangerous threat to be watched closely. My family are no longer invited out socially. My wife, who has done nothing to deserve it, often cries herself to sleep for fear of what will happen to us.

  I live a life of deceit for her sake, fairly regular meeting attendance, a few bland comments at the group study – all to avoid being cast off.
  I want to protect my family. I don’t want them to be abused by the system we grew up in but I cannot see a solution.

  My children no longer carry the ‘blood cards’. What if anyone finds out?
  I have stated openly to my wife that I no longer believe this is the ‘Truth’. What if she confides in anyone? I cannot discuss my fears with anybody face to face and neither can my wife. This is hell.

  My children ask me questions. I always answer them honestly but I fear for what they may say to their witness friends.
  The future looks bleak. I am sure I will become cut-off from my mother, brother and sisters. My wife’s family will disown me and I will become known as the guy who split the family.

  No more family barbecues in the summer. No more meals out on anniversaries. My wife does NOT deserve this.
  What do I do? Everyone that ever meant anything to me is still in the ‘Truth’.
  I have never felt more alone.

  Nic’

  . http://communities.msn.co.uk/altJehovahsWitnesses
• 

  doubtingsister

  Nic,

  I'm really afraid too, but it's only a matter of time. I can barely keep from pointing out inaccuracies at the meetings or just walking out in disgust, but I endure to help ease my daughter out due to her friends and reliance on them. I've told her we'll decorate eggs this year for fun and she's totally excited about it. Your kids will thank you someday for getting them away from this lifestyle.
  Please let your wife know how you're feeling. Showing sincerty and anguish over this to her might mean a lot towards convincing her. Let her know you love God and you love her, and that's why it is hurting you so bad to hide what you know and feel.
  It would mean a lot to me if my husband and I were in the same situation. I'm fortunate that he was never a Witness, but then, sometimes I wonder if he thinks I'm crazy for some of the things I say or have done.

  Do fun things together with your wife and sign up for dance lessons or something that will help the two of you meet new friends in a wholesome setting. Indulge her with LIFE and if you have to, make her a deal. Tell her you'll attend some meetings if she goes on dates with you and then appeal to her fun side and get her involved in things that you know SHE'LL enjoy a lot and will even consider missing a few meetings for. Maybe some of the things she never has time for, but always wants to do.

  Sorry if the advice is lame or frivolous sounding, I'm not really able to understand all you're going through, but I feel for your situation and hope that you can come through it with few bruises.
• 

  Esmeralda

  Nic...

  First of all, *hug*

  You asked:"What do I do? Everyone that ever meant anything to me is still in the ‘Truth’.
  I have never felt more alone."

  Please realize that while you may feel alone, you are not truly alone. We are listening, and even though
  we are limited by being able to offer you words on a screen, there are real people behind those
  words, and we all hurt with you in your pain.

  I think that all you can do now is to take things one step at a time. If you worry about everything that could
  happen, it will cloud your resolve to listen to your own heart.

  You may very well lose a lot of the people in your life by leaving the organization. But if your family
  is anything like mine, you will realize that it can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. That if you tried
  to assert your newfound thinking abilities with them still in the picture to a large degree, you wouldn't
  get very far. They'd stomp every new discovery out with the soles of their sensible Field Service shoes.

  I wish I could offer more than understanding. I wish that I could spare you going through this
  experience that so many of us have suffered through. All I can tell you is that you can, and WILL
  get through it. Take things one step at a time, and remember to be true to yourself.

  You may have moments where you think it'd just be easier to 'go along' with keeping up the facade
  for the sake of your family. But I warn you, doing that takes an incredible toll on your soul.

  Please be kind to yourself. Keep your gaze straight out in front of you and remember that while
  the life you knew may be ending, you have the freedom of mind now to build your future from the ground
  up to be exactly what you want, with your own two hands.

  *hugs* keep posting, and have courage! You're not alone.

  Esmeralda

  The Four Agreements:
  Be Impeccable With Your Word
  Don't Take Anything Personally
  Don't Make Assumptions
  Always Do Your Best
• 

  waiting

  Hey Nic,

  You've been given good advice. I think one of the major fears upon leaving is our families. But the advice on making friends with your wife and kids is great. How did you get your wife in the first place? Do that again. Give her a comfort zone - hobbies are great, particularily when shared.

  And it might take some give & take - but it would be worth it.

  As for the picnics, etc. Yes, they're great with large families. But they're also great with your core family also. You might have to take up the slack - and provide her with this companionship. But it would be worth it.

  In some ways, when you're children are grown, you and she would have to go through the same family restructuring. What do you talk about when the kids leave? Who do you talk to? Sometimes we haven't really had our mates as companions in years - takes effort to get that back.

  I hope it goes well for you - and if that's your goal, I'm sure you can reach it.

  waiting
• 

  zev

  NIC,
  Your not alone, I am feeling similar thoughts, feelings.
  Last night I was in such a state of depression I actually
  went from sorrow to rage, in a seconds time. I can't even
  begin to express to my wife what I've learned, been looking into
  and studying about. Read Ray Franz's book, c.o.c. in a week.
  I'm feeling the reasons he called it what he did, Crisis Of Concience.
  I carry it with me everywhere. Leave it on the front seat of the car.
  Our storys are alot alike, yours and mine. Although I have no children, I still feel
  the pain for those that do. I can imagine what your going through.
  Being able to turn here for support, confirmation and uplifting
  has been a big help. Keep doing it. I will also. I have a friend I can trust
  that I instant message with often. That helps. Its a big help.
  Unfortunately that friend is going to be the taker of big emotional swings from me,
  but thats what true, good friends are for. Be strong, turn to Jehovah.
  Remember its not him where the problem lies. Its with this man controlled organization
  that calls themselves his conduit. Over 6 million have been fooled, you wern't
  the first or last. We are here for you.

  Your Friend from across the Pond...

  __
  zev
  Sitting on the Wrong Side of the Fence Class
• 

  TR

  Nic,

  Some great suggestions above. Maybe your wife will slowly get curious about your views and do the same as you. Avoid arguements about religion. If she asks, then maybe tell her how you feel or what you know in a very calm manner. When I was a JW, my wife(non-JW) would ask questions, but sometimes it would descend into a heated arguement. In retrospect, I can see where I went wrong with my arguements; I was too dogmatic and unbending.(typical JW thought process!)

  I like doubtingsister's suggestion about dance lessons, and getting out to do fun things. My wife talked me into swing lessons. It was fun! Now we can go out and actually dance! I'm sure you do, but continue to show her that you love and cherish her, and that your feelings about the WTS aren't her fault.

  TR
• 

  jeffory

  nicolau,
  sounds like you have a wonderful family.you have to fight for it.
  in wt world the tactics are a little different. for instance making sudden moves is bound to draw negative attention that is detrimental to the well being of the family. i am not saying that one should never make a move away , but only that one should make a move only when they are sure of where they are going and how they will get their. i think that when one is single or with no jw relatives that mean anything to ones well being it is'nt so critical but when you have children one needs to be sure of where you step.
  the consequences are too severe , the stresses placed on families by df'ing or da'ing are too much for many to survive as an intact unit.
  gurilla warefare is my answer rather then conventional warefare tactics to their power. make your move when you are ready,you be in control rather then giving them the "stick".
  just my 2 cents
  god bless jeffory
• 

  mommy

  Nic,
  I really have little words for you that haven't been said better earlier in this thread. I do want you to know that sometimes all the love in the world will not change your loved ones heart.I am so sorry for you and for the feeling you are enduring. ((((HUGS))))
  We will be here for you, please know this, that there are others that have gone down this road. And they are willing to hold your hand as you go as well. Please keep us informed, writing out your feelings is such a great cleansing.
  wendy
• 

  trevor

  Nicolaou,
  I have a lot of sympathy with your situation.

  All the above comments are very good and written by people who have experienced the pain of leaving the WT. Leaving does leave a hole in your life. My advice is to not fight it, ignore or avoid it.

  Stare into that hole with courage, peace and dignity. Work each day to put one more building block into place. Build a newer better life. There will be pain but don't dwell on it - all change causes some discomfort. In time you find that there is no room for the WT mindset in your life and you will then be truly free.

  Then you will have grown and realized the true purpose of your brief time on earth and know that it couldn't have been any other way except the way you have chosen.
• 

  perfectpie

  Nico,

  The life of a true hero is never easy. Your story tells of a man who has too much good to be held in a weak "Society". Carry your cross, tourture stake or whatever, with pride and may the unseen courts say to you as Pilate to Jesus "Look, the Man!" 3.14 chow