nicolau,
Please check your e-mails.
Your friend
Latte
Feeling desperate................
by nicolaou 35 Replies latest jw friends
-
-
Tina
Dear nic,
My heart goes out to you,you are not alone as many of us have 'been there'.......different strategies work for different people. While some may say ease out,I take the unpopular stance and suggest to not continue to torure your conscience,compromise you personal integrity, live a lie, and honestly set about leaving. The sooner you do ,the sooner you can go about restructuring your life and go about the business of living and enjoying life to the fullest. I think our own fears can keep us from doing what needs to be done. Re-socializing isn't such a monumental task,as you will find many many kind,intelligent and compassionate people out there...it starts out with a simple 'Hello'.....Educate yourself on the dynamics of mind-control techniques. Once aware of the strategies used on you and your loved ones,it becomes less difficult to combat them....... re-create family structure and rituals,,,time that once was used for empty wts rituals can now be used to truly get to know one another ans share in worthwhile pursuits....... make an effort to learn about and rejoin your community...there are many good activities going on,many volunteer and charitable ones that do make a difference in the world around you......and most of all,,,education,education education. You and the kids can find activities to learn and grow together whilst having fun doing so!!...... all the above are part of the the pro-active stance that I found personally freeing....... there really is nothing heroic about living and perpetuating a lie,the personal,emotional,psychological and physical costs are just too great.......just MHO,wishing you the best and freedom,Tina -
RedhorseWoman
Nic, ****HUGS***** I am so sorry to hear that you're going through all this.
You need to do what is best for you and your family. Take your time and don't rush anything. I tried to hang on for years. Of course, I kept thinking I would someday make it back to the "truth". The time that was spent on the fringe was not good. I was neither JW nor truly an ex-JW.
By the time I made up my mind totally, I just made my inactivity permanent. By that time, I didn't care enough about the JW rules to play their DA game. The benefit to doing this is that you can preserve your relationship with your JW relatives, although you will have to put up with endless conversations beseeching you to return.
Some people find that the clean break of a DA letter is what is needed to allow them to begin to live once again.
In any event, everyone is different. Don't rush your decision, but follow your heart and your intellect. You cannot control what your JW relatives do. They may surprise you by cherishing the value of family. They may, however, determine that their "spirituality" comes first. THEY are not your concern here, however. You, your wife, and your children come first. Do what's best for them. Don't allow yourself to drown.
****HUGS*****
-
expatbrit
Nicolaou:
You are certainly not alone. I can't give any better advice than has already been given in previous replies. Indeed, I'm going to try applying some of it myself.
I don't know about you, but sometimes my mind goes around and around in tighter and tighter little circles, desperately trying to figure out a way of escaping the WT while preserving family relationships intact the way they are.
But there isn't a way! Accepting that things must change; facing that it may not be a pleasant change, is a necessary step to take. The alternative is to keep trying to bottle up rage and bitterness until one day it explodes.
Not that you must be precipitate. I think most of us in this kind of situation are trying to fade slowly. Better the future beseeching to return than enforced isolation. It is tempting to say "screw it". And for a few, this may work and be the best path. But for others, a gradual withdrawal presents the best solution. I've reconsidered my decision on attending the memorial for just this reason. It avoids a "crunchpoint" and gives me further room to manoeuvre and stay in control of the situation.
So stay strong! Remember that this an ongoing process. There are friends here passing through the same trials you and I are. We must help each other get through.
Expatbrit
-
nicolaou
Thank you all for your kindness it really has been overwhelming, nothing I read was “lame or frivolous”. I’ve seen more compassion on this board in 24 hours than I would experience from those ‘loving elders’ in 24 months.
I have been in several online communities for the past few years but have never shared my experience with anyone. As several of you have indicated, that’s a mistake. If anyone in a similar situation is reading this, please speak up!
Wendy said; “writing out your feelings is such a great cleansing”. So true, I should have done this ages ago.Thanks also to the rest of you. Your suggestions will take a while to digest – you have all given me a lot to think about. I think the most valuable contribution I can make, the most important thing I have learned is this, don’t be a loner. Don’t bottle everything up and fear that no one will understand. It’s clear many do.
Humbled
Nic’ -
BadAssociate
- thanks for sharing your heartrending story
nic the emotional through line right down to this point in the thread has been eloquently & passionately played out by all prior posters
lets cut to a different scene now
the score so far here seems to be
WTBTS - 4 (u + wife + 2 kids) if i read right
Nic - 0they say that perception is reality
what do you think happens in the mind of an outsider when you declare to them that you are a jw and remain a member of that organisation
do you think they are splitting hairs discriminating which of the jw policies you do and dont believe?
i think it would be fair to say that by declaring to an outsider that you are a jw - and by remaining as a member of the jw's - in their mind you are an adherent to the full gamut of jw policies
however limited that outsiders awareness of jw policy may be
in the minds of the masses declaring you are a jw
and remaining a member of the jw organisation
is tantamount to tacit agreement to all jw policies
i'll take this one step further and venture to say
remaining within the wtbts ranks is tantamount to tacit agreement to their policies
it also substantiates the effectivness of their policies
which as we all know amount to nothing more than cowardly fear tactics
right now, if you dont mind me being so frank, you are right where they want you
and what for?
contrary to popular wtbts opinion this is not about religion or god or jesus or the bible
when scrutinised all those sources serve to do is underscore the inconsequential irrelevancy of the wtbts in the light of what they claim to represent
the reality of the wtbtsocieties prime concern is the perpetuation/ maintainance of a very small group of mens power base and commercial enterprises
the secret to their success is simple
isolation and repitition
at the core of every one of their mentally/spiritually deadening sterile policies you will find one or the other or both of these forces at play
why are you desperate?
because you are in conflict
the longer you remain with the wtbts the worse this conflict within yourself will become
you can carry on rationalising this reality away -
but why do people have breakdowns?
i'll leave that one with you
(the thumbnail you've chosen is an alarm bell to me)
you are possibly living in more and more misery every day you remain a JW -
you may feel you care passionately for their cause
rallying to their defence when called upon
but reverse the situation for a moment
how much of your life have you devoted to them?
and now in your time of need how concerned are they with you?
lets face it - if i interpret what you've written correctly
in repayment for your devotion -
the boys are in the back room sharpening their knives
right now
to facilitate the most expedient insertion possible into your back
thats the kind of thanks they have in store for you and all the faithful
(i found the witchunt mentality - the natural by product of legalisms/policies - within the wtbts totally discouraging
nic the way i see it either
you win or they do
it's obvious to me whats at stake here and who has the most to lose
and right now it aint looking like the wtbts
you wont be over this today
you wont be over it tomorrow
you wont be over it in a year
you may not be over it in five ten fifteen twenty years
but whats the alternative option?
you can rationalise away the voice of your misery and desperation as being of no import
the cry for help we hear screaming for attention loud and clear between the lines of your post
but sooner or later your misery and desperation will let your rationalisations know who is the stronger
do you think the bro's will really care -
if your depression leads to a breakdown
bit hard to go selling watchtowers in that condition
and bro's who dont sell watchtowers - lets face it - deep down they're just spiritually weak
i had friends in a similar situation committ suicide
in consolation for all their years of devoted service to the wtbts all they got was their bro's and sisters coming out with stupidities like quotes from proverbs about how the deceased shouldn't have isolated themselves from "gods organization" and so forth
it's get even time for you now nic
but as all here agree you are not alone
practically every post on this site is confirmation of
all those secret doubts and fears you've been forced to keep isolated within for so long
imho it's time to let yourself feel
as angry as you are
it's time to let yourself feel as hurt as you are
it's time to let yourself feel all the grief stricken upset you can muster
it's time to let yourself feel the entire width length and breadth of the deception you've been dealt for so long
it's time to fight fire with fire
BADASSOCIATE
-
thinkers wife
Dear Nic,
I don't think there is anything I can add to this out-pouring of love and concern. Every time I read of a situation where the WT makes it so difficult for families, it breaks my heart. How sad that their control can actually threaten the family structure.
Do follow your heart though, Nic, because if you don't you may have it "all" but not be true to yourself and that in itself will make you miserable.
The suggestions about rebuilding your family structure on a different foundation is excellent. Good Luck!!! If you and your wife have what you described, I have high hopes that this might work out for the best.
Simon and Angharad went through a similiar situation. You may want to email them and ask them for suggestions if perchance they don't see this thread. I understand she gave Simon a very hard time for awhile. But she is behind him 100% now.
Take heart, we are all feeling and rooting for you.
TW -
joelbear
I also agree with those who recommend keeping your family busy with new things. Do a lot of stuff together as a family. Find another family in your neighborhood who shares your interest. It doesn't take a lot of people and/or activities before your life is full, wonderful, fun and rewarding. The busier you are, the less time you have to worry and mope about the past (giving this advice to myself at the same time I am giving it to you.
hugs
Joel
-
Moxy
I am currently in the same situation, sans kids.
may i ask about your wife's view on things? does she worry about your having been influenced by demons, of being prideful? does she worry about being in paradise without her husband and kids?
or does she try to see things from your perspective despite disagreeing with it?
i would like suggestions just as much as you, but knowing how she looks at things might help me make better suggestions myself.
mox
-
Angharad
deleted