Guilt and Shame(Adult content)

Seven

I am a rape survior. This is my guilt and shame. These are my thorns in the flesh. Some days pass without much thought of it and then there
are days like today where I am so distracted by the images of my past that I am good for nothing. Those around me are oblivious to it all, which is fine by me. I would rather not explain things I'm having trouble sorting out myself. I often wonder how one brief but terribly
violent event in my life could change how I live, love, and relate to others, often subconsciously. But it's always there and always will be. I view God too in a different way. He's still my best friend but when I needed him the most he was nowhere to be found. He didn't hear
me. This was difficult for me to accept but he's here now helping me pick up the pieces. For this I am grateful. I don't know why I'm telling you all this today. I think maybe I just wanted to share these
thoughts with someone I know wouldn't(couldn't)turn away. It's easier to say these things not having to make eye contact.

She cries out to me, the child within myself. She clutches at me, tugging at my thoughts and asking to be remembered. Her...fingers reach through time
and her sad...eyes burn the symbol of her pain onto my soul.Broken Feather,Suzanne Stutman

I found this quote on a site I visit called Escaping Hades. I'm not going to provide a direct click to it because of the graphic nature of some of what you'll find there. But I'll supply the url. Warning: it could be triggering for rape, sex abuse and incest surviors. This is a unique place because it
includes male rape survivors.
http://www.escapinghades.com/guiltshame.html
Thank you Simon for providing a place where I feel safe to speak my heart. Thank you all for listening.
love,
Seven

Edited by - SevenOfNine on 16 December 2000 16:38:20

peaceloveharmony

SEVEN--

here is a big hug for you from me

((((((((((((((((((seven)))))))))))))))))))))

love harmony

waiting

Hey Seven,

Thanks for the url. Being a rape survivor like you, I appreciate having a place to say - outloud in a way - what I feel & think - with very few repercussions to myself as an individual.

Sometimes drab winter days, even the holidays for jw's and non-jw's, make us think more of our families, our history. Too many reminders of how things could have been, should have been - but weren't.

I tend to gravitate to male accounts of incest/rape because of the brutality of my father. Men tend to be more brutally raped, more unforgiving of themselves, unforgiven by society, and more brutal themselves. Women tend to blame themselves and hurt themselves more - they're relentless in their damnation of the little girl. Rape isn't an average sexual act. In most instances, rape is violence acted out through sex.

Such a courageous action to give of yourself in this manner. Statistics as of 5 years ago stated that 1 in 4 or 5 children will be raped/molested. Ranging from fondling to mutilation & death. There are many like us - and as long as one person speaks out - others tend to realize they can speak too. What a gift of freedom you've given.

And when we speak out, some of the myths about people "like us" die. Someone will say "the same happened to me." Or, "I know someone like you, I just never knew what to say to her/him."

And perhaps, someone will say, "I'm going to the police. I know this is happening to my son/daughter/brother/sister/cousin/friend." Perhaps it will stop for someone.

Thanks for telling.

waiting

Seven

PLH and waiting, Thank you for responding to this thread. Hopefully it will make it easier for others "like us" to tell. No more silence.

Seven

RedhorseWoman

My hope for all of you is that in the telling and retelling of your experiences, your pain, your anguish, your fears, they will eventually lose their power to hurt.

My hope is that those of us who have been fortunate enough not to have experienced these things can yet feel empathy and send our love and healing thoughts to help you through it.

My hope is that by your sharing in this way, the horror can dissipate.....can flow to those of us who are stronger right now, and we can pour it out into the ether of time....to give you peace.

thinker

Hey Seven,
You may be interested in my wife's post on Hello,Hello,Hello,...

waiting

Hey TW,

Nice to speak with you. If you've read this thread - you know that Seven and I are both rape victims. Mine was coupled with incest by my father for decades.

One thing I've learned through therapy is that a child who has been abused by one person for some unknown reason will usually attract the attention of other abusers. Even people who just recognize something's wrong and use that as an excuse to dismiss the victim as a human being in pain. Like a red flag pinned to our backs.

I'm sorry that your family couldn't be of more help to you. And that you fell into the hands of another abuser. As many victims - there's that many abusers, so it seems. Some families - as units - buy into the victimization of another, perceived weaker or "used" person. Women, particularily sisters, fit the bill perfectly. We're taught that we're weaker and many - many - feel that a single girl/woman not a virgin is "used." I'm assuming that you're around 35? (married 17 years). That would still have been in the time or memory of scream/rape, no scream/no rape doctrine of the WTBTS. And the concept of the pure white virgin reigned supreme in the minds of ignorant men and women.

You've done well to find happiness for yourself. Congratulations. That's no small feat for a rape/incest victim/survivor. Many go from crappy marriage to another crappy marriage their whole lives. And pass the rape heritage on to their children. You deserve applause.

And you're right, the more we speak out - the more we give the ok for another person to speak out. We find out that we don't die from the shame. We can say "It wasn't my fault" and start to visualize a time when we'll actually believe it.

waiting

thinker

Dear Waiting,
You will never know how much I needed to hear that today. This has been a day of many tears and emotional unrest.
I am so very sorry for your pain. I wish I could reach out and hug you and just hold your hand.
As for me, consider it done. You have given me a gift today, that assuages some of the pain.
I have been through therapy, which has given me stability and self worth. I know it wasn't my fault.
I was scared to death to get into another relationship. But I knew good things were out there, and I deserved them. Someone saw fit to direct me to the wonderful man I am with. (I'm not sure how it happened) But he is my most wonderful and precious gift. He is giving me the strength and the will to move on to the next stage of healing.
Thinkers Wife

Seven

Hello TW, Welcome, to another one "like us." I believe you and waiting have progressed to where I can only dream of. The goal I have set for myself in therapy is to be able to trust people again. I have the stability and self worth you talked about but I have a long way to go in the trust department. I have a tendency to keep people at a distance, not letting anyone get too close. My family and I aren't on the best of terms and even if we were I doubt if they would offer much support. I have found a few friends here who have helped me more than they'll ever know. I love these people. There is nobody who understands what it means to be a JW like another brother or sister-EX or otherwise. There is a part of me that only they can relate to even though my worldly friends try their best.(Thank you C.)I can never repay them. To waiting, rhw, path, frenchy and kis, without your support through icq and emails I would not have had the courage to stay in therapy long enough to see if it "worked." The first time waiting told me to go back to reform school, you little nosepicker, I knew I had to listen to her suggestions on the subject. The point I'm trying to make to you TW and others and lurkers, if you find yourself in our situation come on in. There are many here who will listen and share their experiences with you. Don't stay away. Talking can be painful but silence is a slow death.
*
For newbies: I'm a 25 year old college grad. I have my own business and home that I share with 2 dogs, 2 cats and a few other interesting
creatures. My family are baptized Jehovah's Witnesses. I never took the plunge. It's great to have all you new ones here.

Seven

waiting

Hey TW

Someone saw fit to direct me to the wonderful man I am with.

I asked my theapist about this same thing. Seeing that rape/incest survivors have a quasi-flashing light on their backs for sex, why did I first marry jw jerk-turned-to-scum, and then a very good jw honey?

Her answer. No body knows. But it seems that victims/survivors either marry sinners or saints. Guess we got saints second time around.

I, however, have never told my husband this antedote. His head is way too damned big as it is. A man who doesn't marry till he's 38 has nearly convinced himself of his own perfection. I see no need to add to his fixation. Thankfully, I've forcibly mellowed the poor guy within the last 20 years.

howdy seven

Thank you for starting this thread - and your most recent response. I wasn't raised a jw - so I don't know the fear of isolation that you and TW face. It shouldn't be that way - but that's the way it is in reality. Hopefully, dogs, cats, and cute honey make up for it a little.

waiting

Guilt and Shame(Adult content)

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