1. On a scale of one to ten, one being the lowest, how do you rate the importance of trust in your relationship?
these days, it's still high, probably 8. i haven't really thought about it actually. i mean sure, it's important, even in platonic relationships. i trust her to look out for me when i am not around, because i do that for her when she is not around. and she knows that i would never keep a secret from her. so, like tonight, she knows it was a girl from work who invited me to the neil young tribute concert. i don't think she's pleased per se, but at least i don't sneak around, right? we told each other that we don't love each other any more, but that does not negate trust.
2. One to ten, intimacy?
in general, it should be high, about 9 or 10. but in my current "marriage", it is like a 5.
3. One to ten, honesty?
...10 - we're good at this part, LOL.
4. Does your partner trust you? Why?
yes, in everything except spirituality. because i am a trust worthy guy, i guess. but with regards spirituality, she doesn't. i get the impression that she thinks i want to hurt her spirituality. but i mean, even with regards spirituality, i am a trust worthy guy. i will try to help her with JW doctrine somedays. and on other days i try to get her to think about the concept of god from outside a paradigm. neither of these ever work because she doesn't trust me. i let her down spiritually when i DA'd myself. oh well, so be it.
5. Do you trust your partner? Why?
yes, mostly. she is very trustworthy. she's a good person, even though she's a witnoid. but, she has been talking about kids the last couple of weeks. this has always been a non-issue for us until now. the thought of little tetrapods running around makes me queazy. so, i mean, i trust her person, that she will not vandalize the relationship that way, but i don't trust her biology, and that maternal insctinct to have a baby around now. so, this is the only area i have taken precautions becasue of a lack of trust.
6. What does it take for your trust to rebuild? Is it time? Certain actions of your partner?
hmmm, never had this issue. we have never had trust or honesty issues. but ya, if it were, time and actions would be the key. it's weird though, at this point she could break my trust in certain things, and it would not seem like a break of trust. since we have agreed to split up fairly soon, it wouldn't bother me if she met another guy and slept with him. as long as he's not here when i am. actually, that would be kind of a relief for me. but i don't think it is going to happen, she is a JW, and actually remarkably strong willed for being such a sweet girl.
7. For you, what is the ultimate trust-breaker? That is, if your partner betrayed you on this, you could not rebuild your trust?
at this point in my relationship, honestly not much apart from trying to kill me or sucker me in with a pregnancy. i honestly don't think either would happen. she was a very good wife while it lasted. but if we were still together, hmmm... ... i would have to say that my answer is still the same. even of she slept with someone else, honestly, it would not be irreparable. in my worldview, we're just animals. and animals are animals, and they have sex with each other. big deal, get over it, you know?
8. Has your partner ever told you that you must adjust your attitude and forgive them?
no, we have never been in this situation. too bad we fell out of love, it was all working pretty maturely.
9. Has your partner ever diminished your feelings of betrayal, for example, saying it's not such a big deal?
never been here either.
10. Anything else to add? (My favorite question)
trust...hmmm...
i just asked my wife if she trusts me. she said "not entirely." LOL, there goes my theory, LMAO! i asked "why?". she said, "because i know you are going through some sort of midlife crisis these days, and i don't know really what to expect from you..."
i had to LOL because she is such a straight shooter, and because i can only imagine how she must see me in her ultra-moral and boring JW life, where i am the evil atheist who is screwing up his life and throwing caution to the wind and has a purposeless existence. which is all true, i may add. lol. but ya, i can see what she means. i have had a lot of surprises for her in the last year. and probably coming out of the closet as an atheist that had been praying to a non-existent jehovah, and closing in a non-existent jesus' name, and commenting at the book study about stuff that i thought was total BS for months and months, was a blow to her trust in me. it seems silly to me, but it's obviously not to her.
more on trust... i guess i sort of trusted her intellectual honesty, and thought that she would leave the truth too when i did. i mean once you open your mind up to both sides of any story, it means you're being intellectually honest, and she simply is not being so. she refuses to be intellectually honest. this is big for me, and part of the reason i fell out of love with her. so she broke by trust in that way. i thought she was more robust mentally. but that's about it.
thanks again jgnat, it's nice to get these things off my chest. i would also be interested to answer some viewpoint questions for research purposes regarding the social aspect of being an UBM. like, friends then and friends now, and how the two people in the relationship balance all that stuff, when there is shunning involved, and new worldly friends coming into the picture, and by extension the family. i don't think you have covered that?
TS
