Grew up in east LA in a bad neighborhood to a black mother and white father. I never knew my father because he died in a car accident when I was a few weeks old. My mother converted as a JW soon after when two sisters came to her door and offered her comfort, which was something she needed. She later expressed to me that she attempted suicide at the loss of my father and it was the peace of the witnesses that gave her comfort. I respect that.
I know now that she only wanted the best for me as all mothers do, and guided me to "do more" for Jehovah. I was baptized at 12, totally unaware of the consequences of my actions. During that time, an elder in the hall befriended me and took me under his wing, soon becoming a father figure, that I so needed. It was a "blessing from Jah" as my mother used to say. But this was no blessing. The man who we trusted and I felt was the father I never knew molested me at the age of 13, only a few months after I was baptized. But out of fear, I hid the truth from everyone. This fear kept me from growing into a man and damaged me forever. When I finally got the courage after opening up to a close confidant, I was 17 and he was in the hospital in intensive care nearly dead from liver cancer. In my blind compassion for him, I decided to wait until he was better before I went to the elders about the situation. It was too late. He died a few days later and I felt it best not to say anything, to keep this secret with me until the grave.
To move on from that, I continued to "do more" and became a servant at 18 (again, unprepared and unaware of what lay ahead). I was constantly bombarded by everyone in my congregation to go to bethel and it started to eat away at my soul. I wasn't sure if this is what I wanted to do my whole life since my musical career as a singer and background dancer was beginning to flourish and opportunity lay ahead while in Cali. My mother became worried when I stopped pursuing the goal of going to bethel as everyone expected of me and told her that I did not want to become an elder, like ever. At that time I already had doubts if this was the truth but little by little I began to see that this was not Jehovah's organization. Hell, it wasn't even Jesus' organization. Changing doctrines every few years when they saw their story made no sense. Placing rules and laws on men like the men Jesus condemned. Using unscriptural teachings like shunning and dis-fellowshipping to keep people from thinking and asking questions. Misquoting scientists, professionals and others to fit their agenda. Even changing verses in the bible to better fit their doctrines and then calling it "better translation" of the original scripture. I knew one thing, and that was I was not going to continue climbing this ladder and I told her like it is. She was so upset.... It broke her heart...
Then the day came when I had an opportunity to sign a big contract with a huge talent agency in LA. It was something I always wanted and dreamed of and this once in a lifetime opportunity came when I was not expecting it. I decided to take it at the dismay of my mother. She cried for days after she found out about it, as if it was something really bad and evil! For once in my life I felt that something was going right. I tried to reason with her that it would not change the way I feel about Jehovah and that I needed to grab the opportunity while it was there. She did not agree and told me to find my own housing. I didn't move out immediately as I had no money saved up to get an apartment and the money from the contract would also take a while. My mother gave me the cold shoulder and shunned me in her own house. I felt unwelcome.
At the next meeting, two elders approach me and say they want to talk with me about something after the meeting. They didn't say what only that it was important. I agreed.
After the meeting, in the back room they sat down and started to talk about my goals. I told them the truth about my musical career and the big contract I was offered and that I would take it. They must have been prepared and knew about it from my mother because they had printouts of all sorts of Awake and WT articles about witnesses who had promising careers in music or sports and gave it all up for Jehovah. I told them I am not leaving the truth, only that I want to take this opportunity while it was still here. They told me that if I chose this "path of Satan" that I could no longer be a servant and possible not be able to go out in service or give parts on the meeting. I was shocked. Just shocked to see these two elders who were close friends of my mother and I, turn into cold & callous monsters. The look on their faces even changed, in the way Stephen Lett looks like an evil old demon in his JW broadcasting. And they were serious.
That night I prayed to Jehovah and cried my eyes out. Every night for a week I cried my eyes out and asked him for guidance. I swear that my hair began to fall out of my head. The emotional stress was almost too much to take. I even asked my mother to pray with me. She gladly did. But there was nothing. No response. No surprise visit from a random missionary sister who accidentally rings my door bell and has the right words to say to change my mind. No feeling of holy spirit or power from above. No articles that fly open for me to read. It was just me and my thoughts. But I knew how my mother felt and she meant the world to me. She still does. I am a part of my father that she misses. How could I disappoint my mother?
The next day I went to the offices and told them I could not take the offer. They were shocked. They thought I was joking and waiting to say it was a joke. But I was serious and they knew it. Even the lead agent who is the owner of the agency and a big name in the industry came out and asked if I was taking some sort of mind altering drugs. I didn't answer. I just walked out. I felt sick afterwards. I knew that I gave up the opportunity of my lifetime, to finally get out of this bad neighborhood and make something of my life and make my mother proud.
Three years later, here I am. Still going to meetings, pretending that I believe I have the truth. I don't know where to go except to find people like me who are forced to stay in this religion but know that this is not Jehovah's organization no matter how many times Anthony Morris and David Splane and Stephen Lett and Co say it is.
And with that I say hello and nice to meet you all. I hope to find some friends here.
I know now that she only wanted the best for me as all mothers do, and guided me to "do more" for Jehovah. I was baptized at 12, totally unaware of the consequences of my actions. During that time, an elder in the hall befriended me and took me under his wing, soon becoming a father figure, that I so needed. It was a "blessing from Jah" as my mother used to say. But this was no blessing. The man who we trusted and I felt was the father I never knew molested me at the age of 13, only a few months after I was baptized. But out of fear, I hid the truth from everyone. This fear kept me from growing into a man and damaged me forever. When I finally got the courage after opening up to a close confidant, I was 17 and he was in the hospital in intensive care nearly dead from liver cancer. In my blind compassion for him, I decided to wait until he was better before I went to the elders about the situation. It was too late. He died a few days later and I felt it best not to say anything, to keep this secret with me until the grave.
To move on from that, I continued to "do more" and became a servant at 18 (again, unprepared and unaware of what lay ahead). I was constantly bombarded by everyone in my congregation to go to bethel and it started to eat away at my soul. I wasn't sure if this is what I wanted to do my whole life since my musical career as a singer and background dancer was beginning to flourish and opportunity lay ahead while in Cali. My mother became worried when I stopped pursuing the goal of going to bethel as everyone expected of me and told her that I did not want to become an elder, like ever. At that time I already had doubts if this was the truth but little by little I began to see that this was not Jehovah's organization. Hell, it wasn't even Jesus' organization. Changing doctrines every few years when they saw their story made no sense. Placing rules and laws on men like the men Jesus condemned. Using unscriptural teachings like shunning and dis-fellowshipping to keep people from thinking and asking questions. Misquoting scientists, professionals and others to fit their agenda. Even changing verses in the bible to better fit their doctrines and then calling it "better translation" of the original scripture. I knew one thing, and that was I was not going to continue climbing this ladder and I told her like it is. She was so upset.... It broke her heart...
Then the day came when I had an opportunity to sign a big contract with a huge talent agency in LA. It was something I always wanted and dreamed of and this once in a lifetime opportunity came when I was not expecting it. I decided to take it at the dismay of my mother. She cried for days after she found out about it, as if it was something really bad and evil! For once in my life I felt that something was going right. I tried to reason with her that it would not change the way I feel about Jehovah and that I needed to grab the opportunity while it was there. She did not agree and told me to find my own housing. I didn't move out immediately as I had no money saved up to get an apartment and the money from the contract would also take a while. My mother gave me the cold shoulder and shunned me in her own house. I felt unwelcome.
At the next meeting, two elders approach me and say they want to talk with me about something after the meeting. They didn't say what only that it was important. I agreed.
After the meeting, in the back room they sat down and started to talk about my goals. I told them the truth about my musical career and the big contract I was offered and that I would take it. They must have been prepared and knew about it from my mother because they had printouts of all sorts of Awake and WT articles about witnesses who had promising careers in music or sports and gave it all up for Jehovah. I told them I am not leaving the truth, only that I want to take this opportunity while it was still here. They told me that if I chose this "path of Satan" that I could no longer be a servant and possible not be able to go out in service or give parts on the meeting. I was shocked. Just shocked to see these two elders who were close friends of my mother and I, turn into cold & callous monsters. The look on their faces even changed, in the way Stephen Lett looks like an evil old demon in his JW broadcasting. And they were serious.
That night I prayed to Jehovah and cried my eyes out. Every night for a week I cried my eyes out and asked him for guidance. I swear that my hair began to fall out of my head. The emotional stress was almost too much to take. I even asked my mother to pray with me. She gladly did. But there was nothing. No response. No surprise visit from a random missionary sister who accidentally rings my door bell and has the right words to say to change my mind. No feeling of holy spirit or power from above. No articles that fly open for me to read. It was just me and my thoughts. But I knew how my mother felt and she meant the world to me. She still does. I am a part of my father that she misses. How could I disappoint my mother?
The next day I went to the offices and told them I could not take the offer. They were shocked. They thought I was joking and waiting to say it was a joke. But I was serious and they knew it. Even the lead agent who is the owner of the agency and a big name in the industry came out and asked if I was taking some sort of mind altering drugs. I didn't answer. I just walked out. I felt sick afterwards. I knew that I gave up the opportunity of my lifetime, to finally get out of this bad neighborhood and make something of my life and make my mother proud.
Three years later, here I am. Still going to meetings, pretending that I believe I have the truth. I don't know where to go except to find people like me who are forced to stay in this religion but know that this is not Jehovah's organization no matter how many times Anthony Morris and David Splane and Stephen Lett and Co say it is.
And with that I say hello and nice to meet you all. I hope to find some friends here.