Hi all. Sorry for not posting much lately, but I have been doing really well with the old JW issues until now.
I am in tears tonight because of a memory I had of my childhood. I used to open up my lunch-box at school and find my mother had sliced my radishes to look like rose petals. Wasn't that a really loving thing to do? She didn't have to take that extra time and trouble, but she did. As a special treat she would include walnuts inserted inside of dates as a desert.
You see, I had a lot of health problems starting in grade school, so I was put on a special diet. No school lunches were allowed by my doctor. So mom packed my lunch every day and included lots of healthy lunches. Peanut-butter and carrot on whole wheat was my favorite sandwich, even though the other kids thought it was gross. It was really good!
In some ways she loved me and cared for me so much. My health problems, in hindsight, were due to a very deep depression. I had several issues going on, not just the JW thing. The JW thing just exacerbated these issues and made them even more complicated to resolve. As a 10-year-old though, you just don't have the right tools to cope with them. Hell, even as an adult it can take years of therapy to start to recognize what was going on and how to dump the JW garbage and start dealing with the real issues.
But tonight, I feel like a really terrible person, because as much as I loved my Mom and as much as she loved me, I couldn't be a JW any more... and she couldn't not be.
For so long I was angry with her for loving her god more than she loved me. I felt guilty about blaming her. But I also blame myself. Part of me needed to rebel, and I did so in a manner that in hindsight must have been very hurtful, even though I didn't mean it to be. I was 35 and acting like a teenager in my defiance. I tried to be understanding and sympathetic, but I was also adamant, selfish, and self-centered in expressing my desire to break out of my JW chains and live what was left of my life.
I haven't seen Mom for almost 12 years now. I don't know how much longer she has left before she dies. She's 78 this year. I heard she is ill with a rare form of Parkinson's. I doubt she will ever read this, but I am really sorry for taking her baby away from her. In a different world it wouldn't have had to happened, but life in this world is so unfair for a parent and child who love each other, but are so diametrically opposed in their life paths.
Tammy