Hello! This is my first time on a message board relating to anything JW. I haven't posted anything in the past because I still held to the fear that it would be betraying what I was taught, betraying my family, betraying God. This is precisely my life as it is now. I was raised as a JW from birth. I never got baptized and stopped going to meetings about 8 years ago. But until about 2 years ago, I never actually went so far as to seriously doubt or research anything. I just stopped thinking about God. My life bacame empty. I knew at that point that while I was unhappy with the JW's, I still wanted God in my life. So I started thinking I would just 'find' a new religion. It was really a half-hearted experiment that I never made public (my family would have a fit!). Everytime I walked into a church I'd get this eerie, guilty feeling ("Satan controls other religions, they are evil"...I was taught). I would walk right back out and think, "No, I have the Truth". So for 2 more years, I held to the unquestionable belief of the JW's. Then about a week ago something inside me, I don't know what, it just hit me. Next thing I know I am on the internet reading all of the things about the WTBTS and JW's that I was never, ever told. Do you know that I never, ever knew who translated the NWT? I never realized it was even different! I was told it was just translated into modern language by a huge, scholarly committee, but that nothing was changed! I read about Russell and Rutherford, etc. I read about ex-JW's experiences. It was like a movie scene...the poor unsuspecting woman has her whole world turned upside down in the blink of an eye. But then I realized...none of this upset me as much as I thought. In fact, these new realizations made me excited! It was then, at that moment, that I realized that I'd known for quite some time that I wanted to 'get out' but kept on being ignorant for fear of losing my family, my only way of life, etc. I needed this little 'kick' to open my eyes. I had never really allowed myself to be on the outside looking in--I was always told that Satan would be responsible for any doubt or self-searching...that I shouldn't give in to doubt. Always had those shades over my eyes. Now, a week later, after many, many hours of reading and comparing Biblical scriptures, I can honestly say that I am past the 'doubting' period and into the learning period (re-learning the bible as it was written). But here's the problem...I cannot seem to move on! While one half of me says that there is no question about my new decision, the other half is saying "oh, you've done it now...you've betrayed Jehovah and betrayed your family...Satan has you now"...it's so illogical but I can't help it! I am a very spiritual person by nature. Even as an active JW I would always get goose-bumps and feel awe when hearing stories about miracles and guardian angels...(My dad, who was never a JW, told me wonderful and, true-to-him, stories). I know that I haven't lost my faith...just the doctrines of the JW's. I am hesitant to bring up this subject because I don't know how many ex-JW's are practising religion or faith of any kind. The few I have spoken to have either lost faith altogether or believe that church of any kind is corrupt and unneccessary. I don't fit either category. I still believe in Him, utterly and completely. I still want to openly worship Him. But I don't know who, exactly, He is anymore. I can't even pray properly--I keep slipping up--saying Jehovah--then apologizing...I am so messed up. Is there anyone out there who never lost faith in God even after realizing that JW's were way off base? How in the world were you able to cleanse your mind and start again? Every time I read a scripture which I think I have understood, I go back to thinking "what do I know?" "who am I to interpret this?". My self confidence in finding my way on my own is shattered. Out of respect for the group---I am not looking for someone to tell me what religion to join, or that I shouldn't join any religion. That is solely up to me and I don't wish to cause debates among the group. I hope I have not offended you as a whole due to my defensiveness in that last remark. It's just that I am so tired of watching my family knock down any organization that is not JW--I am tired of people telling me that every other religion out there is evil...I just don't buy it. I want to make up my own mind--I am coming here for help because I can't clear my mind enough to even consider other things. That's where I need help. I am still resisting basic things that, while they are as clear as day in the Bible, I can't seem to grasp. I keep thinking back to my Mother saying that only the JW's interpretation is right. No one else's.
Anyone out there who has been in my shoes? It's only been about a week since I really opened my mind, but my newly-found determination and excitement is neverending. I feel like I've been given a chance to start fresh, to be happy and fulfilled, at last...but why am I so uncomfortable at the thought of 'betraying' the JW's? The thought of actually going to a church frightens me to death! It's considered a major sin in my family. I am fighting it tooth and nail for some unknown reason. I wish I could just wake up one morning with a clean slate.
~Kat