Can you be "just friends" ?

ScoobySnax

OK This one is 2 fold....

Tonight I was chatting to my ex on the Internet and despite 5 years elapsing, he wants to go out for a beer. He was a creep at the time we split, good looking and all the rest, but prone to violent outbursts and had this knack of making me think I didn't need any other friends (I gradually dropped them all) whilst all the time becoming more controlling........it messed up my head at the time. (like a dumb twat I even gave him all my Visa cards as he said he'd be better at managing "our" money) Apparently he is now a changed person, and I am too, no longer as gullible as I once was. He is moving away, and wants to meet up one more time, and we did have a laugh at other times..........although I honestly feel nothing now

In October this year, a friend of mine from work and me are getting a mortgage on a house together, I'm sick of renting, and so is she. It makes perfect financial sense, and we have become the best of friends. We are so relaxed in each others company and have a great time together.

2 Questions

1. Is seeing your Ex again just asking for trouble?

2. Can a gay bloke and a straight girl really make it together?

Silly I know.....but just questions going through my mind tonight.

Scoob

EvilForce

Seeing your ex can be two fold. Don't see him so you don't have to relive that misery. Or maybe do see him and you'll realize why you left him....

Keep it to a public place for coffee or a drink and say your goodbyes is my advice. No "one last sexual fling" though!!!

Coming from a gay man yes you can make it. I think the most important thing that we as Ex-Witnesses and those of us as homosexuals have to do is build our own families. Since I am estranged from my family due to "da troof" and my "lifestyle choice" as they put it....my friends have become my family. They are there for me when I am down. We have holdiays together. They are there for me when I am up. We scream, we yell, we love, we are family. We all need our support structures.

I have 3 female friends that are closer than sisters. And 6 or so good male friends. These are my "brothers and sisters".

ScoobySnax

Thanks for that EF.

I guess it takes one gay guy to understand another. Ain't it weird to be a minority in a minority!!

Scoob

GetBusyLiving

Hey it works for Will and Grace..

GBL

ScoobySnax

.....its not that I'm saying you are. Its just that it would be great to hear some stories of those who have grown up in the Truth who have had to deal with this particular aspect of their lives. I don't mean the ones who picket Conventions with gay and lesbian posters, that just turns my stomach a bit.

You know just "ordinary" ones.

Scoob

fairchild

The answer to your first question is simple. Since he is moving away, it probably wouldn't hurt to go out for a cup of coffee together, but ONLY if YOU want it too. If you have doubts, don't go. As has been said.. keep it to a public place.

The answer to your second question is not all that simple. I couldn't help seeing a little red flag in my mind when I read the word 'mortgage'. When it comes to friendship, there is no distinction between male, female, gay, straight, and what not. Friends are friends and a good friend can be more precious than anything else I can think of. Many friends become roommates, or rent places together... but to buy a place? You have to understand that there is no guarantee that either one of you will remain single forever. What if either you or your friend gets into a serious relationship and wants to move in with this person? This is one thing you need to consider carefully. Something equally important you need to consider is the relationship between you and your friend. Are you absolutely sure that she considers you a friend, and no more than a friend? Is there a possibility that she might hope for something deeper than friendship to develop down the road? What if she does hope for such thing and it doesn't happen? I am sorry for asking these questions, but it is important that you answer them to yourself. If, after considering everything, you decide to go for the mortgage together, I'd definitely suggest that you wait a while. When you say "we have become the best of friends", you seem to be talking about a relatively new friendship. Take the time to get to know your friend through and through before you decide to buy a house together.

the_classicist

2. Can a gay bloke and a straight girl really make it together?

Yes and no. As noted by Fairchild above, a lot of girls are extemely attracted to gay men. I wouldn't worry about it though, if a straight bloke can be friends with a straight girl, I don't see why not.

EvilForce

Well, I'm not sure how "ordinary" I am...LOL. With the JW's stand on hating gays and every other meeting or so talks from the stage about how Homo's were pedophiles and what not I tried to not be gay.

Because of my sexuality I tried so hard for God to fix me. I remember when I was 12, 13 and 14 having an interest in boys and feeling ashamed and dirty because of it. I got baptized at 16 and swore off any sexual contact of any sort. I went almost 18 months without masterbating. I prayed EVERY morning when I woke up...when i went to bed...and many times in between. I went to high school and auxillary pioneered. I went to every meeting. I got lots of responsibilites in the Congo. I just wanted my "gay" feelings to go away. I was told over and over that praying would help. I did everything in my power to make these feelings go away. I was an early bloomer and had full sexual development by about 13.... so not having sex or masterbating at 16 was a huge burden. I HATED myself. Apparently God hated me too cause he didn't fix me. I would cry myself to sleep. I did everything He asked me to and everything the WTS said to do. I went 4 years from baptism before I gave in and had sex with another boy. I got tired of feeling worthless and alone.

I couldn't tell my parents or witness friends what I was going thru because they'd turn me in and I'd get booted out. I saw this happen to a good friend of mine going thru the same thing. This was the start of the end for my believing. Why would God make me with these feelings? I wasn't abused as a boy....I wasn't sexualized at an early age... it was who I was to the very core.

I have to laugh at anyone who says being gay is a choice. No one would choose this if they had the option growing up. But now I'm an adult...healthy, happy and well adjusted. I love who I am. I have learned to love the part of me that likes men. I am blessed beyond means. I now know that God doesn't judge people based on whom them fall in love with. For those people who say it isn't natural I have to point to the over 90 different species of animals with documented homosexual relations.

ScoobySnax

Fairchild.........Never have I read a post on here that got to me like yours did. I don't really need to say anymore, except to say that what you said made so much sense.

We have talked about that eventuality (finding partners) and it all seems like "Ahh no we'll be ok" but I do worry that when mortgages and money are involved it could prove to be more complicated than we let on now. Its just that I always found straight women so much more reliable than gay men. Maybe there lies the crux of my problem!

Thankyou Fairchild for that post. I'll have to think alot about your points.

Scoob

cruzanheart

Maybe instead of hating you, God was trying to tell you that you were fine the way you were. I prayed a lot too, EF, to be shown the real truth about everything and I think my prayers were answered -- not the way I thought they would! Seemed like every time I prayed that the elders would do something else really stupid and mean and un-Christlike, and finally it hit me one day that I just hadn't been seeing that the truth wasn't with the Witnesses.

Scooby, I consider you a friend but I wouldn't share a mortgage with you because I value our friendship enough to not let money come into it at all. Money is the source of most arguments between people who like or love each other, and I think you're taking a very great risk of damaging or losing your friendship, not to mention the house, if you buy it together with a friend. Save that for when you have a committed relationship with someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with -- then you have something to build on along with the house.

As for meeting the ex, you've had a lot of good advice that I agree with: public place, no sex. And don't give him your Visa card. (See, there we go again about money!)

Hugs,

Nina

Can you be "just friends" ?

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