Something I wrote one troubled night, perhaps it can help....
I lost my heart when I used my mind
It is a road many have traveled, an uncertain path wrought with fear and adversity, yet a journey that for many must be completed or they will never feel at peace. When a person has heart, they may be described as motivated, a leader, a person who draws others to their cause. Such was the case with I, everything, every fiber of my being was immersed in dedication to a cause I felt was the only sense that could be made of life as we know it in the world we live in. As all humans are given a gift to find or when discovered to use to feel fulfillment in life, so was I given a unique gift I discovered at a young age and that was to teach. I found great satisfaction in being able to impart in creative ways knowledge that would in turn motivate many to expend themselves in what I thought would be the best way of life. So many lives I have touched with a smug satisfaction that over time has evaporated into despair at realizing I was used as a tool to waste the lives of so many. Somewhere along the way this creative mind I was given began to turn against my heart, my motivation, everything I placed as important in life. How could it do this to me? I fought for years to forget, suppress and simply not think of troubling issues, but my mind could not be lobotomized into motivated activity without reason. It was a battle, a war with all the pain and anguish that destroys the innocence of young boys who go in with a noble cause, then come out forever changed after enduring the results that war produces. Very similar was my battle, not with guns or bullets, but instead, with heart and mind, an internal conflict complete with charging victories and withering surrenders that exhaust the body and torment your soul. Would it ever end? Would I destroy myself before a victory could be found? The only solution I could find was to make a decision, as indecision is what wastes a person’s sanity. I must set a time, a limit as to when victory would be declared one way or the other. Whatever the consequences I would accept and move on with my life. I gave it a year, as that year progressed my mind began to bombard my heart with the heavy artillery of reason. The harder I tried to work, the heavier the blast of trying to find the reason why. I could feel my heart beginning to concede, my joy, was no more. The very thing from which I drew the most pleasure, teaching others creatively, became a heavy load that came to the point of feeling physically ill when I approached the platform. I did away with all notes, research and study, it was too painful, I just spoke from my heart, a heart that was losing the battle, yet would fight courageously like a loyal knight defending the honor of a corrupt king in a cause he knew he could not win. Finally the battle ended, like the eerie silence that drifts over a war zone at the end of the day, there was no celebration, no party, no jubilation, instead a sad realization it was finally over.
My mind had won a hard fought victory with excellent strategy and complete superiority had destroyed the enemy. But this was not the enemy, it was an old friend, something I had dispatched so handily in the heat of battle, now lay before me slowly dieing with nothing but pleading in his eyes for me to save him somehow. An old friend who had came through for me so many times, who always had my back when trouble threatened, who picked me up when I was down and kept me going. Even though he was misguided how could I have hurt him so?
I feel I must gently pick him up, take him to a safe place, and carefully nurse him back to health. He must be saved for he is my heart my motivation for finding a cause to fight for. You see even though my mind won the battle, without my heart I lose the war.
It is a long process, much like a wounded soldier, the rehabilitation is a slow and arduous progression. The trust is no longer there, the will to fight, while still a twinkle, quickly gives out when too much is asked. I recall the saying, “sometimes it just takes time to heal.” I know I must not give up on it, but I feel my heart will never be the same and I hope that change will be realized someday as for the better. Perhaps this story can be a reminder to remember to not lose your heart when you use your mind.
