Relationship guru's needed

Imnostranger

Hello Folks

I'm not really a newbie - you guys know me by another name. I used another screen name for purposes of anonymity. I want to get some advice on a sensitive issue - and appreciate your wisdom - but you just never know who's reading. When you figure out who I am PLEASE don't blurt it out for the whole world to see.

Here's my delema: I've been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for the past 2 years. She's kind, considerate, smart, etc. We have actually never had a fight or argument. Never. I have always had some hesitation about moving forward with the relationship and moving in or making a committment. The only real problem in the relationship is that I don't feel a sexual connection and we rarely have sex. When we do - it's not very satisfying to me - but I do love her and want her to be happy - so I do my best in that area. I just don't feel sexual about her - although I do find her quite attractive - which is so confusing to me.

The second part of the problem is that I met someone recently that I am attracted to and it is very distracting to me. I would never, ever, ever cheat - in fact I cut off contact with the person so that I can focus on my relationship without being so distracted. I really would not feel good about leaving my girlfriend for another girl. I want to get clear on whether this relationship is for me on its own merit - not because of other influence.

We've also started couples therapy - and my girlfriend knows about my attraction to the other girl. What she doesn't know is that the girl is attracted to me also.

All opinions and advice are welcome. Is therapy a waste of money? Are we doomed? Am I scum for being attracted to someone else?

THanks guys

Incense_and_Peppermints

We've also started couples therapy - and my girlfriend knows about my attraction to the other girl. What she doesn't know is that the girl is attracted to me also.

i don't see how therapy can work if both participants aren't completely honest with each other. she deserves that. i was involved with someone for a long time, then found myself attracted to someone else, so he recommended therapy. i told him everything about this other person, because it was my moral obligation. of course, the man i was interested in stepped off immediately, and i lost him. i don't blame him... personally, i think you should commit wholeheartedly to your girlfriend, or let her go and explore the new girl.

i'd rather know if my lover wanted someone else, so i could dump him immediately.

~janette of the intolerantofcapriciouslovers class

Imnostranger

i was involved with someone for a long time, then found myself attracted to someone else, so he recommended therapy. i told him everything about this other person, because it was my moral obligation

Did your relationship work? Did your attraction eventually go away?

Why do you think she needs to know that the other girl is attracted to me? We have agreed to no contact with each other. I think that's important.

Incense_and_Peppermints

why?

because it's one thing to know that your man is attracted to someone other than yourself. knowing that she shares the attraction creates another dilemma. wouldn't it make a differenece to you, if the situation were reversed? your girlfriend has no "control" over this other variable (the other girl), but at least if she knew she reciprocated the attraction, she could attempt to deal with it in some way. you can't fight what you don't know. (if it were me, i wouldn't bother but that's just me...)

no, my relationship didn't work out. and the man i was attracted to moved in with some other girl, so the attraction died out of necessity.

beebee

Honesty is important but I'm convinced that telling someone to clear your conscience at their expense, when it doesn't resolve the issue is just plain hurtful, so I really don't see a purpose to you telling your girlfriend that the attraction is mutual.

I think it's far more important to get down to the nuts and bolts of whether or not your current relationship is meeting your mutual needs, if not, is it repairable, and deciding whether or not fixing it is in both of your interests versus moving on. Evaluating when to stay or cut bait can be tough when you have so much good.

I guess my question would be, if sex is your ONLY significant problem, would improving that area bring your relationship to the point where you both want it to continue? Underestimating the importance of sex in a LTR or marriage is a huge mistake. Both partners need to be on the same page here or the marriage is missing an important connection that helps keep people together through rough times, not to mention the emotional connections, stress release, etc. of a good, compatible sex life.

Have the two of you discussed it? What would it take for you to be more sexually attracted to her? Have the two of you experimented? I find that if you are both capable of relaxing, and just playing, nature tends to cure such issues. However, other issues, such as religious upbringing, sexual attitudes instilled in the person from their parents, or abuse can make this difficult. Also many women, especially younger ones, have a hard time expressing what they need and many, quite frankly, don't even know themselves. Books and/or a sex therapist may get you past this.

I was in a marriage with bad sex. He was large (both weight and ummm his..you know) and it was often uncomfortable. He preferred positions that increased my discomfort, and often had a rough tough with foreplay issues. If I tried to redirect him, he'd get mad and roll off. His ego couldn't accept that perhaps he needed to know ME, and that he didn't already know it all.

I finally got to the point where I didn't want to have sex much, though I loved him and at times still had a sexual interest. He got so "in need" that I couldn't as much as touch his shoulder or kiss him without him assuming it had to lead to intercourse. Of course this created a lot of pressure for me. I finally stopped trying.

If he could have backed off and took it slowly, removed the pressure and allowed us time to just touch and explore and learn each other, we might have pulled it off.

Now that wasn't why we divorced or even the biggest problem, however it was huge and would have only gotten bigger with time. I would never recommend a couple stay together if their sex life isn't good BEFORE marriage. Marriage tends to change things and passion can grow if it has good seeds, but bad seeds tend to wither...

How much of this have you discussed with her? Would improving the quality of sex make her more sexually attractive to you? Would that be enough for you to be happy? What does she need/want?

Good luck.

SixofNine

How does your current relationship compare with relationships of your past (sexually and otherwise)?

pettygrudger

If you have been with this girl for 2 years, and have never been sexually attracted to her, you need to think seriously about breaking this relationship off, before it gets to marriage & children.

Honesty is paramount here.

She deserves to be with someone who is sexually attracted to her and wants to make love to her, along with all the other wonderful things in a relationship. You also deserve the same.

It will not be fair in the long run, to either one of you, to just *deal* with the lack of sexual attraction. It may seem *small* now - but I highly doubt you could live with the lack of sexual attraction forever. It WILL lead to other problems down the road, and God forbid there be children involved at that point in time that will have to go through a divorce.

kat2u

Have you EVER been attracted sexually to her? Relationships do go thru ups and downs even in that area.

pettygrudger

The only real problem in the relationship is that I don't feel a sexual connection and we rarely have sex. When we do - it's not very satisfying to me - but I do love her and want her to be happy - so I do my best in that area. I just don't feel sexual about her - although I do find her quite attractive - which is so confusing to me.

This seems more than a lull to me. Which is why I feel if you really care about this girl, it is unfair to her to keep her for yourself when there are men out there that she could be with who truly wanted her - in every way.

And you also deserve the same. There is no guilt here - you are not at fault. As much as one can't make themselves *love* another person, one cannot force themselves to feel sexual desire either.

JustTickledPink

As a woman, I find women attractive, but I don't want to have sex with them. Just because you think someone is pretty, good looking, or drop dead gorgeous, doesn't mean that you have sexual chemistry. Most men lust after models, yet if they were to spend weeks with them, might realize that they like the picture, but have no sexual or chemical connection.

You like her as a person, you love her a person. Maybe really you are best friends. I don't see how couples therapy is going to help you have hot passionate monkey love if you've had 2 years together already. I'm not sure you can force that to happen, I am not even sure what makes passion what it is, when you can't really define it, and can't really explain it, how do you capture it with someone that you like and "make" it happen???? Passion happens naturally. I do believe some of it has to do with our chemicals in our body, our sense of smell, and how we react together. It's just so phuking fantastic when it happens that I can't imagine myself settling for a mediocre passionless life with someone.

I once dated the sweetest guy who adored me for over a year, but nothing he could do ever made my toes curl. So finally I had to walk away. But thankfully we broke up as friends, I didn't cheat of leave him for anyone else, we talked and we understood each other. Life is a journey, you are looking for something you don't have.

Passion and great sex is out there. I don't believe in selling yourself short or living a half life. But you need to decide what to do.

Relationship guru's needed

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