Why are breakups so hard

by Octavia 18 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Octavia

  For those of you who have been here for a long time and have supported so many people, I'm sure you've dealt with this and are probably sick of the topic. But I still need help. I thought I was fine; the relationship was not well, so the right thing to do is to either fix it or move on. Well, it doesn't seem to be that easy. There was not even any talk of fixing it. It was like I just started talking about the problems and thought we were going to deal with them at another time and then, the next thing I know I'm single.

  I don't know if it's the person I still miss or the relationship (which was not what it should have been). It must be the person. It just happened yesterday, so it's still fresh.

  It's like, I could see the POTENTIAL of the relationship, but it just never was realized. Do ya'll think maybe Jah's punishing me for getting into it in the first place? It is why I was df'd.
• 

  Joyzabel

  ((((Octavia))))

  break-ups are always hard. Even if you initiated it.

  Please take time for yourself and read M.Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled"

  Also, you need to deal with JW issues. Begin with Raymond Franz's "Crisis of Conscience".

  When you are going through a difficult time it is always easy to blame oneself and turn to magical thinking. But now is the time to look at facts.

  Hugs,

  Joy
• 

  Elsewhere

  Do ya'll think maybe Jah's punishing me for getting into it in the first place? It is why I was df'd.

  (((( Octavia ))))

  Please don't beat yourself up over "what if's".... what if this and what if that.....

  If the relationship was not healthy and happy... then moving on is likely the best thing to do. Being in a relationship is not the be-all end-all of existance. Yes... loving and being loved is wonderful... but not at the expense of your happyness.

  *** Kicks back into normal Elsewhere Mode ***

  Hey babe... come here and let me give ya some love'in
• 

  Celtic

  I'll second Scott Pecks book, The Road Less Travelled.

  Octavia, I'll, if you don't mind PM you tomorrow, send you some encouragement, you hang in there lass and take care.

  All the best.

  Mark
• 

  talesin

  Octavia

  Forget about J*hovah. You made good choices.

  Did you know that you can miss the person AND the relationship? IMHO, they are separate things, albeit entwined.

  So, yes, mourn both. It's okay, sweetie.

  (btw, hugs )

  tal

  (hmmm. thinking about something else, but if I was 10 years younger ...)
• 

  codeblue

  Breakups are very difficult.
  

  No, I don't think you are being punished by Jehovah. The fact is: maybe the relationship wasn't right? Maybe you weren't with the right person?

  I had to tell myself that many times and still remind myself of that fact, after my 20 year marriage failed and my cheating husband was a repeat cheater. Many times we are couples when we know deep down things are not working.

  I agree that you should read: "The Road Less Traveled"....I read it 6 months ago....and I found the very reason why my ex was so defective and why I put up with a cheater for 20 years. I couldn't believe it, 2 pages of that book had my life in it almost to a tee.

  Take care (((Ocatavia))), we are here for ya whenever you need someone to talk to.

  Hugs,

  Codeblue
• 

  Octavia

  Thanks Codeblue. I'm sure you saw it coming. I'm not shocked or surprised; just disappointed. I thought it was gonna be right, but that's stupid when there's so much wrong in my life.
• 

  codeblue

  Octavia, I believe you have the power to change what is wrong in your life....even if you need "help"...it is worth the effort.

  Life can be better...and will get better. Just concentrate one day at a time, or if that is too huge, an hour at a time.

  Hugs,

  Codeblue
• 

  CruithneLaLuna

  Congratulations! I haven't posted here for a wihle, and yours is the thread I felt compelled to reply to.

  We get used to certain people, and everything that goes with being with them. (This can apply to friends as well as lovers, but more so to the latter.) Not only are we used to thenm, but we like/love them, and we value them. Then, suddenly, a particular person isn't with us as much, or at all, and the relationship has changed or gone bye-bye. It's hard to take. We wonder "Is there something wrong with me?" "What could I have done to prevent the breakup?" "WHY did/didn't I do this and that?" "If only this/that/the other were diffferent, I know we could have had a better [/completely terrific] relationship." Nope. Nope. Nope. Don't go there. Look reality in the eye, accept it, and learn to love it. You are FREE now to go out and find a person who is far better suited to you, who genuinely deserves to be with you.

  There IS someone out there for you. I just turned 50, two months ago. I've been through 3 marriages and a few other relationships. I thought my perfect mate didn't exist. Looks like I was wrong. I am now about 50 days into a relationship of absolute bliss. Oh, it does have its problems, but they have nothing whatsoever to do with who we are as people. It's like the proverbial "match made in heaven." If it can happen to me (and I found although not specifically seeking), it can happen to you - and since (statistically) chances are good that you're light-years closer to "normal" than I am, it may happen to you and for you BEFORE you reach the age of 50. Let's hope so.

  Love and regards,

  George
• 

  Nosferatu

  For those of you who have been here for a long time and have supported so many people, I'm sure you've dealt with this and are probably sick of the topic.

  Actually, no. I used to deal with people who have just broken up on a day to day basis. I actually enjoy giving advice in this area!

  I don't know if it's the person I still miss or the relationship (which was not what it should have been).

  It's probably a combination of things. The feelings you get when you're with this person, the things you used to do together, the patterns you used to have because of him, etc. There's a lot that comes with a relationship. It's almost a complete change of lifestyle. Now that it's been removed, you have an incredibly empty feeling. Change is something that is quite difficult to handle.

  Do ya'll think maybe Jah's punishing me for getting into it in the first place? It is why I was df'd.

  Jehovah has nothing to do with relationships. You've been told that everything happens because of either Jehovah or Satan. The truth is things happen because of the way humans react to things or people. This is something that you'll have to learn. First, let's deal with the relationship. Believe it or not, there is a science to the whole dating thing.

  So now I bring you my prescription to getting over a relationship! What you need to do is get used to the fact that you're life has changed. You might not want to face this right away, but the sooner the better. You need to get a sense of "moving on".

  - If you're absolutely devastated by this relationship ending, take a week off work and use it to mope and sob. Let it all out.
  - Next, go out and REBOUND. It's not necessarily going to make you feel any better, but it'll give you a sense of "moving on". You're going to be single anyway, so you might as well start now.
  - Then, go out and get yourself some new clothes, a new hairstyle (or color), a new piercing, or even a tattoo. Do something that changes your physical appearance. This will help you feel like a new person going down a new path of life (which it is).
  - Take some time to spend with your friends. Keep on the lookout for other guys you might want to date. Take advantage of opportunities that arise. Avoid relationships for a while and just date.

  The sooner you work on moving on, the sooner things are going to heal. Good luck!

  I also have to add: before you get yourself into another relationship, deal with the leftovers from the JW religion. I suggest you read some stuff on http://www.freeminds.org