by UnshackleTheChains 20 Replies latest jw experiences
I disassociated from the WT empire to make a statement when I was younger.
Now, I kind of regret that I went out that way, instead of a slow fade, which to me now seems to be the less harmful way of pulling away.
The impact of losing my whole family has been devastating.
While losing your family isn't ideal, they are toxic and many that decry disassociating as "playing their game" are playing all kinds of games to keep that toxic family. Also, shunning as a JW is a super difficult thing to do. It's one of the things that helped wake me up, having to shun my brother. What if some of you are unwittingly playing their game by A. not taking a stand and B. not forcing your loved ones to do something that might actually force them to wake up in time?
What would the impact be if all the faders disassociated and all of those families had to face the ugly realities of their cult instead of people passively accepting and condoning their garbage?
I did disassociate and will give my answers later when I get home.
How long did it take you to decide to disassociate?
About 6 months. I was debating whether or not to fade or just leave and claim my life back. I kept deciding whether or not to believe the term of playing their rules.
How has this impacted on you?
I have never been happier in my life. I have achieved many goals and my family life is much better.
Has your mental health in any way been affected since you disassociated? Eg if being shunned by family.
I have no mental health issues. If anything I am far more stable knowing I do not have to fear death.
Do any of your current JW relatives associate with you? And if so to what degree?
Yes. They beg me for money and then disappear when they dont get it.
Do you feel your life is better now that you are completely free of the watchtower?
Yes. I have my entire immediate family with me. I make the money I like. I go places I want to go and I am living my childhood dream as a farmer
Do you ever get panic attacks about Armageddon or that you left "the truth"?
Never. When I realized that it was all a giant made up pile of horseshit and that the bible is as valid as the adventures of spiderman episode 78 I had no fear
How long did it take you to decide to disassociate?
Well, that's hard to answer, but let's just say less than a year. It all kind of happened organically. We made the decision to travel and visit my disfellowshipped brother and took a stand which made both my family and my wife's distance themselves from us. You might say shun, especially on my wife's family's part. We visited him in May I think. We disassociated in September. We had talked about it before and just wanted the stench of the name Jehovah's Witnesses off of us the more we learned about the organization, and the more we learned about emotional and mental health and how detrimental that environment was for many, including us. We knew we didn't want to even be mistaken as a JW anymore.
So for us we didn't want to play games. We hadn't been to a meeting in over a year during the process of waking up more and more and made a pact that if elders started calling on us for any reason we'd just disassociate. They called, we didn't answer. They then came by the house. We disassociated. We took a stand when we got baptized and went in, and we took a stand when we left.
How has this impacted on you?
It's like instant freedom. You never have to look over your shoulder, can celebrate whatever you want, can be whoever you want, and you don't have to play their stupid games. No more pretending.
Has your mental health in any way been affected since you disassociated? Eg if being shunned by family.
Yes. I was a depressed and anxious JW and after disassociating that pretty much all went away. I still get anxious from time to time, as is my nature, but living in that JW environment and being inauthentic to keep up appearances and everything is mentally and emotionally unhealthy. My wife is much happier too. I remember a client of ours noticing my wife one day and he remarked that she just looked lighter, like she was carrying a heavy backpack and put it down.
Do any of your current JW relatives associate with you? And if so to what degree?
No. My dad died 6 months later. I was invited to see him one last time at hospice. JWs refused to be present if I was there and left when I arrived. I wanted to show my mom and dad a good example of real love and to be the better person. It felt good in the moment but as soon as I left that building I was instantly shunned again. I was not invited to the funeral service. In retrospect I regret going. It was just a mind fuck. My mom will die without my participation in any way. I'm dead to her already. So let's just call it what it is, it's over unless she wakes up someday.
I saw my brother and his wife at a concert. I walked up and said hi. He and his wife said "h", couldn't quite get the "i" part out, turned blood red, and then both turned their heads to the side. So yeah, total shunning.
My wife and I sent goodbye letters at the same time of our disassociation letters. My mom replied to mine in a pretty good way. Nobody else replied. My wife never heard one peep from her family since we saw my brother that one time. Nothing. No response to the letters she sent or anything.
Do you feel your life is better now that you are completely free of the watchtower?
Absolutely. Our lives are wonderful. Sure, there are new challenges. We both have to figure out who we are outside the cult, how that impacts our relationship, etc. But we get to be us. We get to be free to figure things out. We have so many friends we can't keep up. We've had so many people rally around us, so many beautiful experiences. I am a better person, and so is my wife. Just letting go of the judgment of being a JW, the constant chatter in your head about what you're doing and what others might think or that you might get in "trouble", etc. is so freeing. We can spend our weekends as we like, work when we like doing whatever we want, go on trips when we want, don't have to answer to pushy JW family for anything because they have no boundaries, and so much more.
I've also taken my experience and shared my story on one podcast, and now I started a second one where I help others to tell their stories of being shunned. I have a Facebook group with friends of the podcast in it and we encourage one another and help one another grow as people, and support people that are leaving. In fact, one member just disassociated over the weekend. We all celebrated with him. I'm looking at becoming a professional coach to help even more, and have people wanting me to look into starting a foundation to help more people, which I'm also looking into. I'm turning a negative into a positive.
Do you ever get panic attacks about Armageddon or that you left "the truth"?
I'll be honest here. When I disassociated I did so because of the organization, but on some level I still believed they had Biblical truth. Sites like this helped me to dissect that over the next 6 months. I'm now an atheist and I've been out 3 years. Anyway, so although I couldn't buy that Jehovah was going to destroy me in a fiery Armageddon because I thought they were a bit too strong on their perceptions of that, I still had those programmed fears in me. My first instinct was for my brain to ping and bring up fear when something like a situation with North Korea or something like that would happen. It was more the "what if they were right" phenomenon. Over time as I dissected the beliefs, then the Bible itself, all of that went away. As I said, I'm naturally an anxious person anyway, so I'll admit to having some instant twinges when something would happen but certainly not panic attacks, and they were just programmed responses that took a minute to get past. I no longer feel those whatsoever.
I'll finish with this. Disassociation is a bell that you cannot un-ring. In the end, I don't think that most people are ever truly ready when they do it, but it pays off immediately. Even when we did it the act was nerve wracking which is why most people won't do it. They use all kinds of reasoning to get around it, and I get it, not everyone can take that stand. Some would rather keep playing the game to keep family. If their families are that great and accepting of them then more power to them. If they're not, more power to them anyway. It's their life, their decision. This is your life, and it's your decision.
I am an advocate for disassociation unless your family is willing to accept you celebrating holidays and being you in every way as you explore life. If you have that rare breed of JW family, then by all means do your thing and fade away. Some can. Good for them. If your family can't tolerate you not being, or at least pretending to be, a carbon copy of them, they are toxic and you can't live your life for other people and be truly happy. Have no fear leaving them behind. It's not without pain, but neither are the benefits of exercise or a budget or many other things that are good for us ultimately.
I didnt dissociate but i'd just like to thank every one who took the time here to tell their story, they were really moving and insightful. Its not always easy to, I know, as it can bring up some painful feelings.
Thanks all,☺ you're the best xxx
DIOGENESISTER:
I didn’t disassociate either, but am many years ‘faded’.
But, I love reading the courageous stories of those who did disassociate. I’m glad they did because it’s a big F.U. to the JW religion, especially when somebody disassociates loudly and publicly. Good for them and let the religion take note that people want out. Bring on the stories!👍🏻
I didnt dissociate but i'd just like to thank every one who took the time here to tell their story, they were really moving and insightful. Its not always easy to, I know, as it can bring up some painful feelings
Well put Diogenesister.
The stories speak volumes. A great big thankyou to everyone who has shared their experience. I really appreciate it and has given me insight on some of the journeys made after leaving watchtower 👍👍👍
Hi there. This is a pet peeve thing with me. I don't use their language. I resigned from their cult. They chose to disassociate with me.
How long did it take you to decide to disassociate?
After coming back from my missionary trip to Cameroon, I decided to leave. I stayed long enough to see if my ex-wife was worth trying to rescue. I quickly enough realized that she wasn't.
How has this impacted on you?
I have 10 years of posts you can look up on the effect it had on me. But it has been worth it big time. I have a life of my choosing, hard fought but well worth it.
Has your mental health in any way been affected since you disassociated? Eg if being shunned by family.
Only at the funeral of my grandfather, which I attended at a KH and caused a 10 minute paralyzing panic attack. Then I got pissed and walked out defiantly before the song. Everyone's mileage will differ on this, but my JW family isn't the lighthouse for my mental health.
Do any of your current JW relatives associate with you? And if so to what degree?
None.
Do you feel your life is better now that you are completely free of the watchtower?
HELL YES.
Do you ever get panic attacks about Armageddon or that you left "the truth"?
No. I had a panic attack before I married my ex JW wife, and at my grandfathers funeral. That was about it.
I had been having doubts for years but certain things caused me to finally take action. I just wasn't going to take the lies anymore.
I stopped attending every meeting and little by little stopped reporting hours. Elders wanted to meet and I basically told them to hit the road I didn't need anything. If I needed them I knew where to find them. Moreover, I told them to never come around unexpectedly unless I called them.
I never formally disassociated but lately I have heard if you simply walk away and become inactive they treat you as if you were disfellowshipped. I could care less being that many friends when they see me still say hello and what not. This goes back to how I treated everyone when I was active. I was real and there was no phoniness.
Walking away from all those conditional friendships although they were conditional, was still hard but I knew it was necessary. I knew they'd follow the NY maggots and not their conscience in terms of humane treatment especially when no immorality or other biblical sins were committed.
Been like this for years and I couldn't be HAPPIER!!!!
It does however, break my heart whenever I see the friends going door-to-door or during cart duty. Because I know they are trapped either mentally or physically or both. And I know the mental anguish and mental strain it can have on people that know it's bull crap and can't leave or those that really believe it's the "truth" and are wasting away trying to earn their salvation fearing for their life.
How long did it take you to decide to disassociate?
I had serious doubts for a long time but it was after I had a child and realized that I couldn't raise her in the religion the way I was. I didn't formally write a letter. I just stopped going to meetings and as I became more able, I was more vocal about not wanting to be a Witness.
How has this impacted on you?
I had a lot of conflict about it. I'm a 3rd gen on my mom's side and a 4th gen on my dad's side. So, all of my immediate and extended family were attached to it in some way. My husband is still an active member. It's been hard on my marriage, and I did a lot of therapy in order to have the support to work through my fears and anxieties. Now, though - some 15 years or so later? No anxiety or depression meds, and I'm very comfortable living my own truth.
Has your mental health in any way been affected since you disassociated? Eg if being shunned by family.
As mentioned above, at first I dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety until I was able to de-program that inner critic constantly condemning me for the decisions I'd made. It took awhile for me to verbalize my feelings about leaving to my mom and she definitely pulled away from me for a long time. My step-dad pretty much cut me off. I was living in a different state from my other relatives, so the distance made it easier to move on.
Do any of your current JW relatives associate with you? And if so to what degree?
My mom is getting up in years and will associate with me -- I think she sees it as my duty to be there for her and she has to allow that. I think because I didn't formally write a letter, I'm not "officially" (in her eyes) disfellowshipped or disassociated. It's all semantics but the formality (or lack thereof) of my leaving has allowed the door to remain open.
Do you feel your life is better now that you are completely free of the watchtower?
Yes. Even though my husband is still active, we've come to a place where he doesn't discuss the congregation or issues around the religion, and I don't ask. Religion is not a subject we engage in discussion about much. I went to college in 2006, completed a BA, then an MA, and am working on a PhD now. I feel like I'm living my authentic self now and, even if he doesn't think I'm right in leaving the religion, he can see I'm more happy and satisfied with my life now.
Do you ever get panic attacks about Armageddon or that you left "the truth"?
I did at first but when I went through the major depressive episode that led to being in therapy and working through my "stuff" - much of which was my feelings about the organization and not wanting to be in it anymore - those panic attacks dissipated. I don't believe that Armageddon is "around the corner" and I refuse to live my life in a constant state of fear. So, the panic attacks went away too. It took a long time to let go of the fear that being a JW asserts into your life. That kind of fearful anxiety is not normal.
