Something I've never told you........

Tinkerbell4125

I've really been struggling over the past few months.

When Craig and I got married, I didn't invite my dad to my wedding. Six weeks later he takes his life. Now I realize that he didn't kill himself because of that one thing, but I do feel like it contributed to his suicide. It continues to haunt me. At that time, I felt that my reasoning for not invited him was justified, but now, I wish I had done things so differently. It kills me to think of how he might have felt while me and the rest of the family were celebrating my wedding. I know it really had to hurt him. I had resentment towards him for the abuse my siblins and I recieved from him growing up. Even though we were on civil terms when he died, I still had and have alot of anger towards him. I am so fustrated that I am approaching the 7th anniversary of his suicide and I still suffer like I do. When does this stop! I feel I haven't even addressed my mothers death because I'm so busy struggling with dads death. I feel the wts played a hugh roll in his suicide. The j.w's treating him like crap because he was the *worldly* husband. Mom was a j.w. Craig tells me I've come a long way, that I can't see how far I've come, but when I get in these waves of emotions, it's difficult to see that.

Why can't I forgive myself! Why can't I forgive HIM! Why can't I just accept that I CANNOT control everything in this life! I'm sorry to dump all this on you all.

I know this may be very difficult for some of you to read and for that, I am sorry. I don't mean to upset anyone, but I know a few people here have lost someone to suicide. I know all too well what a unpleasant subject suicide is.

I feel that all those around me feel that I should be well over all this! I may be wrong, but it's something that is never brought up. I feel so along in my grief sometimes.
I just get so tired of putting on a happy face, when deep down inside I am suffering so.

Sorry for being such a downer. It's just a tough time right now. Thanks for letting me get it out and venting.

Tink

Gamaliel

(((((((((((tink))))))))))))

tinkerbell82

Lots of love and good wishes from one tink to another

frenchbabyface

(((Tink4))) Take care of YOU ...

happyout

We are all here for you. Sometimes the only thing to do during rough times, is ride them out. Things will get better.

(((((( Tink )))))))))

Happyout

Lady Lee

(((Tink)))

Survivor guilt is one of the hardest things to deal with.. It reaches down to a part of us that says "Maybe if I had done just one thing different XXX would be alive today". And the "what ifs" are endless.

And to make matters worse not only do you have survivors guilt you carry victim's guilt (which is the guilt an abuser forces his victim's to carry for him)

First see about getting some counseling for trauma survivors. Also check out your local bookstores - a large chain might be better. There are some newer books written for survivors of suicide (the family and close friends). I know I have seen them on the shelf but don't have the titles.

Next, good for you for asking for support and info. Sharing is a good way to try to release a lot of the guilt. You were not responsible - not for the abuse and not for the suicide.I can't say that enough.

You were not responsible

Then try to find something positive that has come from this. As his day comes closer, take extra care of yourself. Talk, post, write, go somewhere and scream, beat pillows. There must be a real jumble of feelings about all of this - anger, pain, guilt and a lot of others. There might even be a part that still loves him. We need to embrace all of it because they are all important.

I'm sure many others will come in and post. Listen. Take what works for you and ignore the rest - or at least ignore it until you need it.

Be kind to yourself

I will be thinking of you

Nosferatu

Hello Tinkerbell (with a capital T :) )

I have an issue I'm struggling with right now. I'm getting married in June 2004, and I would prefer not inviting my father. I could almost see him taking the same route as your dad. The thing I've realized is that all the unhappiness that my father has, he brings upon himself. I'm just trying to move ahead in life, and he's not happy about it at all. He's thinking of not coming to my wedding if I invite him. Any move I make to improve my life makes him unhappy. However, I'm not responsible for the way he feels, I'm only responsible for the way I feel. If my actions make me happy and a better person, that's all that matters.

Your father was entirely responsible for his own actions. He's the one who caused the resentment you had towards him. Also, he's the only one who could have prevented his own suicide. Nobody encouraged him to take his own life, he brought all that encouragement on himself.

I highly suggest you read the book "Toxic Parents". It has helped me quite a bit deal with my parents.

Valis

*finishes lunchables*....Ahem...well Tink, you have to decide whether it was possible for you to confront him when he was alive about the issues that drove you from him in the first place. If you couldn't because of the emotional damage then you have nothing to blame yourself for and let it go. Remember pleasant memories and get rid of the rest. Just like LL said, IT ISN"T YOUR FAULT. Maybe you could have confronted him, but would the result have been the same? You say your peace and go on with your life just as you have...the very likely scenario. It might help you to help others though. Perhaps there is a woman's shelter or a simmilar place for abused children you could do some volunteer work at. It might help you come to grips with some of your feelings and give you a different perspective. Just a thought. Take care and have a good day...

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

xenawarrior

These folks are right- It's not your fault hon.

(((((((((((((((((Tink)))))))))))))))))

Stacy Smith

I know a little about guilt and you have no reason to feel any guilt at all. This honestly was out of your control. I know you felt some resentment towards your dad and it seems that he earned it. So he made his own bed. You aren't responsible.

Whenever some sad thoughts come to mind over this I suggest working hard to think of some happy times. There has to be some happy times.

Something I've never told you........

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