Never Allowed to be Myself

by NeverAllowestobeMyself 19 Replies latest jw experiences

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  NeverAllowestobeMyself

  So my handle has a typo, it is supposed to be Never Allowed to be Myself but I'm okay with that because it is kind of symbolic of my situation.

  As a born-in I have always had expectations forced on me, this is what you are to think, feel and do as a Jehovah's Witness. My earliest memories involve being upset that I would die at Armageddon because I was bad. I just never have fit in, even at the tender age of 5.

  As a child I learned quickly how to tell my parents, my friends parents, my friends, the elders, other members of the congregation, my teachers and eventually as an adult my co-workers, friends, children and spouse what they want to hear. It has become so ingrained in my personality that I do it subconsciously. So basically no one on this planet really knows who I am, what I think and how I truly feel about things.

  In my late teens and early 20's I was disfellowshiped and I used that time to try almost everything. In the end my experimentation led to heavy drug use and I destroyed my life. That forced me into a tough decision. So I went back and got reinstated.

  Since that time I have remarried, had children, started three businesses (one failed, two are successful), served as a Pioneer, MS and an Elder. I have also learned TTAT and woke up. So now for the first time in my life I am just going to be Myself.
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  OneEyedJoe

  As a child I learned quickly how to tell my parents, my friends parents, my friends, the elders, other members of the congregation, my teachers and eventually as an adult my co-workers, friends, children and spouse what they want to hear. It has become so ingrained in my personality that I do it subconsciously. So basically no one on this planet really knows who I am, what I think and how I truly feel about things.

  Very well said. I'm sure many here can relate to this, I know I can. I'm starting to learn the joy that comes from being your genuine self and finding people that accept and appreciate you for it. It's so much better than any "friendship" I've ever had with JWs... If I'm honest it's brought me to tears a few times.

  Wishing you the best of luck on your journey! You'll never look back!
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  tiki

  We get it....and I most certainly can relate with the feeling. It is hard for me to open up and show my real self because I learned to build and remain behind a very strong wall growing up and the wall remains intact. Only two people now truly know the whole real me.
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  Divergent

  As a born-in I have always had expectations forced on me, this is what you are to think, feel and do as a Jehovah's Witness. My earliest memories involve being upset that I would die at Armageddon because I was bad. I just never have fit in, even at the tender age of 5.

  I'm a born-in too & I can relate to this part very well! As a kid, I had unpleasant thoughts of dying at Armageddon for the stupidest reasons - biting my tongue & accidentally tasting blood, masturbating, watching porn, celebrating my friends' birthdays at school & other festivals, saluting the flag (I was never good at making a stand when it came to stupid things like these), not giving a witness to my non-JW friends & not calling back on RV's in the ministry (bloodguilt!), etc. A religion who can make a young kid feel bloodguilty is a sick religion!

  On the positive side, I made it out eventually & so can you also. Congrats on your enlightenment & hope that you can make it out soon together with your family! =)
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  Skedaddle

  They did so much damage to us. More than they'll ever know or admit to. The problem you describe has been a big one for me. I'm still trying to get over the fear of being myself after nearly 20 years of being out. That's the problem with brainwashing from babies:(

  Welcome!.. and I love the irony of your handle! It's really fab!

  I wish you well on your journey!
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  Still Totally ADD

  You are right on spot with what you said. As a born-in myself I can relate to everything you are talking about. The nightmares of dying at Armageddon was the worst. Because they did not use age appropriate material at any of the meetings I am sure many adults who are born-ins to the cult suffer with PTSD. I would not be surprised the WT purposely used this technique to control the young ones. I hope you can escape the nightmare. Good luck to you. Still Totally ADD
  
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  DesirousOfChange

  Oh yes..........to everyone on the outside looking in, we had to appear to be the Ward & June Cleaver Family (US TV series -- Leave It to Beaver), when in reality we were the Dan & "Roseanne" Connors clan.

  Doc
  
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  LisaRose

  Good for you for knowing that you must learn how to be yourself. I am sure many people go through life never knowing who they are or what they want in life, they have so buried their true nature they don't even know it exists. It's not an easy path if you have been doing only what others expect of you, but it can be done if you are willing to put in the time and effort and the rewards are great.

  I highly recommend two things for excavating your authentic self, meditation and journaling. Writing three pages in a journal every day is useful to start picking up the threads. No filters, do not edit, just write down any thing that comes to you, what is important is that you write, not what you write. You can burn the paper when you are done if you feel someone finding it might be a problem, it's the exercise of writing that is important. You are looking for some common threads, bits and pieces of your real self that will poke through here and there. Eventually you will start to see a pattern, focus on that and work with it.

  Meditation has proven benefits, it's known to reduce blood pressure and stress and relieve depression. It takes only a few minutes a day, and is not hard. It does take practice, so keep at it every day.

  At first it will be difficult, you will experience difficult emotions and it will not be easy, but keep at it and it will get easier with time.

  Lisa 🌹
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  KateWild

  Wow that's terrible to find out, I probably did that to my kids, but as a convert I always expressed my true self which for a long time was a zealous believer who wanted to follow the GB.

  I understand now what that did to my kids. I feel so sorry for you and also my kids. Thank you for your story. It's opened my eyes.

  Kate xx
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  Village Idiot

  Welcome to the forum Myself. Are you fading right now or completely out?

  You might want to ask Simon about changing your name or, if that is not possible, just come back with a different account with your correct name.