How does the DF process begin??

by Camay 12 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Camay

  Question its seems like for the past 3 weeks by JW boyfriend stays
  after the bible meetings for a long time. Last week they kept him
  almost till 11 at nite. He has let me know he is leaving at the
  end of the month.

  What do they do after these meeting? He claims they want to "talk"
  with him. Do they do this every week until you do what is expected ?
  Is he on his way to being kicked out ?

  He makes damn sure the continues to attend these meeting like 3 times a week (including sunday)?

  I promised him I would not bring up anything more about the Watchtower or the hall because it always leads to him getting
  upset.

  Does anyone out there know what is going on..Dinner is already cold
  and its 10 pm ?? =(
• 

  HalfWayThere

  I was disfellowshipped once though i confesed before the elders found out and i refused to meet with them to discuss the details. However i did get called into the "back room" a few times over the years. Generally there will be two or three elders talking with him to "encourage" him - or in other words get him to turn back from his sinful course, which i understand in this case is living with you?

  So basically if they win him over - you lose. They can be very persuading by what they say, and if your boyfriend has family that are witnesses too he has alot to be fearful of by being disfellowshipped, which could easily happen if they deem him unrepentent and/or have reason to believe he is engaging in un-JW behaviour whilst living with you.

  I hope things work out for you two :)

  Owen (HalfWayThere)
• 

  tergiversator

  Hi Camay,

  Sounds like he's getting called in for judicial committee meetings. Whether or not he gets kicked out, publicly or privately reproved, or nothing happens depends very much on the individual congregation. How well connected is he (ie, elder's son/nephew/3rd cousin twice removed)? How "repentant" is he? How much do the local elders care about whether he is repentant vs. setting an example for the rest of the congregation?

  Since he has been going to all the meetings, and willing staying afterward for these "talks", he is showing that he wants to stay in. Anybody's guess if they'll let him.

  And as far as the length of the committee meetings go... all I wanted to do when I met with the elders was announce my intention to leave, and it still dragged into several hours on at least two different occasions. (At the time, I was still a little too polite to just walk out on them.) And there wasn't much to talk about in my case - no "sins" to dissect in gory detail, no "injury" to the congregation's reputation to devise suitable punishment for. If he's actually seeking "advice" from them... you could be in for a lot of cold dinners.

  Pity being thoughtful toward you is not a criteria much looked for as a sign of "repentance"...

  Hope this helps,
  -T.
• 

  Scorpion

  Camay,

  Pray he does get kicked out. It would be the best thing for you both.

  In my personal situation, the elders and PO could not wait till the meetings were over. Now they wish they would have just left things alone when I decided not to return. It is a long story.
• 

  Prisca

  He is having these meetings with them hoping that it shows that he is "repentant" because he wants to stay in their good books. As he's been away for so long, they will want to make sure he knows what is expected of him if he returns. The first thing being, he has to cut off his relationship with you. He obviously has a lot on his mind that he isn't able to discuss with you, so no doubt he is talking with these guys to get some advice.

  Consider his leaving to be a blessing in disguise. I'm sorry that you've wasted 4 yrs with this guy who can't work out want he wants in his life. You obviously still care about him as a friend. It's a shame he doesn't understand what unconditional love is.
• 

  Winston Smith

  Camay,

  The other posters have given you a pretty good idea of why he's been late at the meetings. I hope you don't mind if I add something to the discussion.

  As long as he either stays a JW, or tries to get back in if he is DF'd, your needs and opinions will always take a backseat to those of the tower. If you eventually marry(which I would guess is the ONLY way he could be a JW and retain any kind of relationship with you), you can expect to be the subject of recruitment, sometimes subtle, sometimes overt, but always there. And you will be looked upon as spiritually defective - perhaps not by him, but by most of his JW friends.

  Is this the circle of people you want in your life?

  As I mentioned on another thread you started, I feel for the time lost that you've put into the relationship. Cutting your losses now will give you the oportunity to develop a relationship that you deserve, and save you from years of heartache.

  All my best,
  -Winston
• 

  BugEye

  Hello Camay

  What do you want to happen?

  dave
• 

  myMichelle

  Hi Camay,

  Quick background, to give you the point of view I'm coming from. I'm a nonJW with a JW spouse. My husband was raised in the organization, left it as an unbaptized teenager (still attended the Memorials and the occassional meeting at the request of his mom). Nine years into our marriage (about 12 years as a couple), and two kids later, he decided to get baptized. Had quite an effect on the marriage.

  I agree with the posts so far, except this one. Scorpion said:

  Pray he does get kicked out. It would be the best thing for you both.

  
  I'm not so sure. I've read a couple of your posts, and from them it seems your b/f likes to point the finger of blame upon everyone but himself. I'm willing to wager that if he is kicked out that he's going to blame you. You will be the forbidden fruit that he just can't resist, and the cause of his "downfall". "Of course" this is your fault, and he's risking eternal life because of you.

  I tend to agree with Prisca's statements:

  Consider his leaving to be a blessing in disguise. I'm sorry that you've wasted 4 yrs with this guy who can't work out want he wants in his life.

  
  From the tone of this and your other posts, it sounds like you agree too.

  He has let me know he is leaving at the
  end of the month.

  
  It's gonna hurt, but (forgive how cold this may sound) you need to weigh the investment you already have in the relationship versus waiting a few more years, marriage, kids, etc. The hurt now versus the hurt later. You haven't mentioned kids, hopefully that's not a factor now in the situation.

  As for your question, yeah, they probably are talking to him "encouraging" him to stregthen his spirituality. There's also the possibility that along with those conversations that he's just spending as much time away from home (and you) as possible. Distancing himself, avoiding a confrontation, etc. Time to put the cold dinner in the fridge, and let him fend for himself.

  Good luck, wishing you the best out of a bad situation.

  Michelle

  The most deadly of all sins is the mutilation of a child's spirit. -Erik H. Erikson
• 

  LovesDubs

  Cam...he has made his choice. He is choosing the Jehovahs Witnesses power cult over his relationship with you. With the JWs it doesnt matter if you are doing the dirty or not. He cant A) Have a relationship with a "worldly" (read "under Satans Rule" nonJW) person like yourself, and B) He cant even stay ONE night let alone several no matter what you are or arent doing inside there because it has the "appearance of evil" and is "conduct unbecoming a Christian." The meetings are to make sure that he is understanding beyond a shred of a hint of a doubt that they will be watching him. For him to show true repentance he must kill the fatted lamb for them, and that would be your relationship.

  If he has been gone awhile, they may be in fact studying JW indoctrination material with him again...which they often do with people who have been gone awhile to "re-strengthen them spiritually" before allowing them privileges again...those privileges include answering questions at meetings, or speaking at doors or even carrying a microphone, or saying a prayer on behalf of the congregation or book study groups. With this organization they are the supreme being...God has very little to do with it. You play by their rules or they take your family away from you and denounce you as DEAD and FILTH to the rest of the JWs, who in turn must avoid contact with you or be dead and filth themselves.(disfellowshipping)

  Flat out it would not be in your best interest to stay with this guy as long as he is a cult groupie. You will ALWAYS be second in his life, as will any children, no matter what you do. And as long as you remain a NON JW you will always be considered as NOTHING...and there will be scant to no invitations to go anywhere as a couple because his friends are not YOUR friends and you and YOUR friends CANT be friends of JWs who are just too damn sexy and holy for their bookbags to associate with the likes of us.

  Help him pack his bags, then join a singles club sweety. You deserve better than what I GUARANTEE will come from staying with this guy. You dont get just the guy and and the inlaws in this arrangement...you get the whole congregation and the whole freakin organization in your business for the rest of your life...and I do mean IN your BUSINESS...like them asking him if you ask for oral sex, or if you celebrate holidays, or if he had a vasectomy, or WHY he wasnt at that meeting or WHY he wasnt out going door to door or if YOU are trying to discourage him from going. It will be CONSTANT pressure for him to comply with their rules.

  Get out while you can..have pity on him...but dont continue this.

  Loves
• 

  Camay

  You guys are really nice here. I really do appricate all the advice
  you all give. Here is the funny part.

  He confessed but still smokes & drinks (that includes pot)he is still
  trying to fornicate.

  When I asked what does he do after the meeting he says the elder was
  showing him scripture on marriage.?? Now that is interesting because
  I have NO INTENTION on becoming a JW. So whats the point.?? He asked
  me if I would like to talk to a a "sister" if I did that I would
  only try to show her my findings and that would go no where. Its a
  waste of time.

  I have found so much scripture that I am now almost as good as any
  witness flipping around my Bible. For everything they say I have at
  least 4 scriptures to counter what they say.

  I do agree that they are trying to keep him out, of course he deny's this. He claims that no one interfere's with your life unless you confess and needs to repent.He started talking about Lot. Until I said
  "Dude are You LOT !!!" says my research is sh@# ! He makes me feel
  foolish so thats why I am researching EVERY thing. Even the CRoss issue. (They say Jesus was nailed to a stake) there is tons of scripture that say the man was crucified. Gal 3:1 Mat 10:38 16:24
  Lk 9:23 14:27 Gal 2:20 Gal 5:24 6:14 I could go on. But to what end ?
  I just hate not knowing the bible forwards & backwards like him, so I do my research. Anyway I guess I will go surf eat the leftovers and who knows.

  Again thanks a BUNCH to you all. I am going to Jamicia in JUNE I need a good vacation.. HEY NOW MON...

  And no I do not have kids and I am well under 40 yahoooooooo..I still have time to enjoy the good life. = )

  Bye