Hello, all!!
Several folks asked to hear my story, so here goes - I hope you don't fall asleep!! *grin*
It's a story that's been told many, many times - I was pretty much raised as a Jehovah’s Witness (my Mom was baptized when I was 6 years old), and I simply followed along and accepted for years what I was being told. Going through school, I just learned to be “different” (which, in some ways, is a good thing… I’m hoping that will make it easier to break free). Needless to say, as I went through High School, I never dated, or went to any social gatherings with “worldly people”. Anything that was a question for me, I would simply “wait upon Jehovah” for increased “light” from his Organization (sound familiar, eh??). Years went by, and I was treated poorly and unkindly by most of the kids at the Hall (mostly Elder’s sons), and we lived in a remote area, so my teenage years were pretty dysfunctional, so life as a JW seemed pretty normal to me!! ;-)
In 1975, I was baptized at the age of 13 years old (much TOO young to make such a life-long commitment). Actually, in some ways, being a JW served as a protection – I didn’t get in any trouble as a youth. However, I also didn’t get to go to college, and I didn’t get any experience in dating and relationships with the opposite sex (which would cause a major mistake later on in life!!)
Fast forward to the age of 22. All of my friends (Witnesses, of course) were getting married, and I was kind of “set up” with a young woman by some of my friends. She was fairly nice during the courtship, but since I wasn’t experienced, I couldn’t see the “warning signs” of what was to come. As you can guess, what happens when two JW’s of opposite sex date? Right!! They get MARRIED!! We studied part of the “old” Family book with an Elder (which really didn’t help much at all). Years later, a lot of folks told me that they could see even before we were married that we were ill-matched, but few tried to intervene. Actually, only on family did, and they did it in such an offensive way, that it made me cling to her all the more so! Also, at that time I was of the mindset that “if we are both worshipping Jehovah, and if He is in our marriage, then we are BOUND to succeed!” Idealistic, to say the LEAST!!!
Within the first month of marriage, she was raging and yelling at me (my parents NEVER raised their voices to each other). I was confused, angry, sad, and felt trapped (remember. “Till death do you part” still rang in my ears), but I didn’t want to bother the Elders with it (since I figured they had enough REAL problems to deal with, and I didn’t want undue attention brought to my situation). Also, for years I had heard jokes about husbands and wives fighting, so I figured this must be the “norm”. Maybe it was Mom and Dad who were “different”. So, I endured the verbal and emotional abuse for years, and learned to yell back, and things just got worse. All this time, we were both “exemplary” in the congregation, she was a pioneer, and I was a MS. During so many years, I would never even consider divorce (being a good JW), “…for better or worse… til death do you part”!
It seemed that, no matter how hard I tried to please her, it was never enough. I worked hard so that she could pioneer. I became a Ministerial Servant (to please Jehovah, but also to make her happy, too). I never felt comfortable as a “role model” within the congregation, but I diligently performed my assigned tasks. During the time she was a pioneer, the abuse got worse and worse, until she finally agreed to get some counseling. After month and months of expensive sessions, her therapist (a very BAD therapist) simply allowed her to blame her Mom for everything, but didn’t have her work on NEW, HEALTHY thought patterns. As a result, everything eventually came back to the way it had always been. While we were dating, she knew that I love music and that I loved playing guitar. But, as soon as we were married, she let me know that she thought that such activities were a waste of valuable time (“living in the last days, time is short... yadda yadda yadda… blah blah blah”). So, needless to say, I sold most of my instruments, and put all of my musical aspirations “on hold” (for the sake of peace in the household). Yet another sacrifice to try to appease the “goddess” – my wife!! Unfortunately, no mater what I did, nothing ever made her happy…
Then, around 1989, her sister and all her friends were beginning families, so she decided she wants a baby. I thought to myself, “She’s not emotionally mature enough to be a stable mother to a child!” But, then again, I thought, “Well, maybe this is what she NEEDS to make her feel happy and complete”. Wrong!! It just added to the burdens we already carried as “good-for-nothing slaves”. So, she became an unprepared, immature mother, and I, in addition to my MS duties (talks, Sound Room, Maintenance, etc, etc), was now thrust into the role of Father – totally unequipped! Then, 21 months later, along comes number two!! I love both of my sons dearly, but having two babies in the household put a LOT of pressure on us both. And, trying to make it on one income (and, a lower income as I was without a college education), and you get the picture! I felt like I could never be everything – like I was a failure! No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough: I couldn’t please her, I found my patience short with my babies, and ultimately, I had to step down from being a MS – it was too much to try to keep my duties AND tend to my sons when they needed attention.
Along about this time (1994), I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I couldn’t sleep at night (I felt as if an elephant were sitting on my chest), and would have to have several drinks to calm myself down. My sister (who was also battling stress and emotional problems) gave me a book, which helped me a LOT!! (even though it wasn’t from WTBTS of NY Inc!!) So, I started the long road to recovery. I was suffering from very low self-esteem (following Paul’s words to “beat and pummel your body” and considering myself a “good-for-nothing slave”, along with a few childhood issues). But, with a lot of work, and “reprogramming” my tapes, I started feeling much better, and started regaining control of my life. I still felt trapped in a loveless marriage, and, I couldn’t figure out why someone who claimed to love and serve Jehovah could treat her family so terribly. However, during this time, I also started seeing things a little more clearly, both within the congregation and within my home. However, we just limped along and hopped for things to get better. We tried couselling, but it didn't help. She simply thought if I would only do what a "christain" husband SHOULD do (take the lead in field ministry, family study, etc) then all would be fine. Well, no matter what I did, I could never make her happy... and, I never really felt completely loved by her.
About two years ago, in 1999, we had a particularly bad argument, and she struck me several times. Then, as I was leaving, she called 911. Long story short, she was arrested for assault on me. Even though I begged the officers not to take her, due to our state laws, they had to. After the arrest, she began going to a therapist (but not really trying to change her behavior – it was mostly for show to the Courts). When her case came to trial, I didn’t press charges, of course. But, now she has a record of violent behavior, which worsened as time went on.
We continued to limp along, trying to keep things together, but never reaching that special heart-to-heart “connection” that all successful relationships seem to have. There was always something in the way, some way that I wasn’t pleasing her, or something in the way. In her attempts to be the “perfect Christian”, and to maintain appearances, she has developed significant “deception” skills. She can study and prepare for all the meetings, answer and smile, and go out knocking on doors, but she really doesn’t reflect “the fruitage of the spirit” which I believe is what is most important – the putting on of the “new personality”. All the underlining of answers and knocking on doors is useless if we don’t become Christ-like in our life! I believe Paul referred to it as being a “sounding piece of brass” if we did all of these things, but didn’t have love. And, I believe our leader Jesus referred to the Pharisees who would “strain out the gnat and swallow the camel”, even calling them “hypocrites”! All of this has given me an ever worse “taste in my mouth” regarding the so-called “truth”. But, if humans don’t live up to what the Bible says, do I fault the imperfect human, the “organization”, or the creator that caused us to be or become imperfect?
In the intervening time, she had several anger-related incidents on her job as a school bus driver, to where they had to change her routes, and even require her to attend group anger management sessions. And this is WHILE she is on Prozac! Why would a woman who was raised a JW have such anger and hostility? Well, her mother suffers from bipolar disorder, depression, and chemical imbalance. Yet, while her childhood was less that ideal, at a certain point a person needs to take ownership of their issues and actually DO something about them. She’s 41 years old, and has been away from home for about 19 years. Yet, all the prayer, study and field service (remember, she used to be a pioneer) she is still as ill as ever.
Fast forward to two months ago. In a fit of rage against my youngest son, she physically hurt him on the arm, bruising him. This fact she hid from me (“Christian deception”?), and the only way I found out was that a teacher at school saw the bruise, and asked my son about it. Quickly the Principal and Child Protective Services were involved. In some ways, I feel this event was “divine providence”, because Jehovah knows that I wouldn’t have made her move for just verbal and emotional abuse – it would take something more serious. Yet, I also believe that He protected my son from greater harm – as bad as it was (and, bad enough to leave a bruise), she could have hurt him MUCH worse! I mean, a large, angry woman could do a LOT of damage to a small, eight year old boy! It frightens me even to THINK about what could have happened!
So, here I am now at a crossroads – a separated father, with a moderate to severe “crisis in faith”. I’ve seen enough of my friends disfellowshipped (or, being pressured to disassociate themselves as in Robin’s case), and I find that practice abhorrent! There are so many different things that concern me, most revolving around lack of love. As I post, you will note my “signature” quoting Jesus regarding his followers having “LOVE among themselves”. Within the congregation, there is often a lot of judgment, fear, guilt, and lack of love. I’m discouraged (I haven’t got “door to door” in years because, as I told a couple of Elders during a shepherding call, “I can’t very well go out and sell something that I’m not sure I even believe anymore!”), and having some serious doubts about the whole JW “gig” anymore. But, right now, I am going through enough stress that I am just going to “go through the motions” for a little longer until the divorce is final. Once I make that “step”, I know that I will face a LOT of pressure from friends, elders, inlaws, etc. Actually, at this point, I’m tentatively planning to “fade away” slowly after the divorce. But, once things are settled down, I’m hoping to be able to think more clearly, with her out of the picture, and see what my perspective is at that point. Sorry for the lonnnnnnnng story, but once I started, it just kind of “poured out”! *blush* Thank you for listening, and for caring. Taking it one day at a time, I’m feeling better every day!! ;-)
Take care, and have a wonderful day!! ;-)
Pooh