Hello again all of you. In case you read my other thread regarding my existential crisis and how it was making my life miserable and left me feeling hopeless, purposeless and joyless I though I'd share what's recently happened to me and my way of thinking and how I've for the time being resolved my existential crisis.
I write every day in a journal. I've been doing this for years. I'm an introspective type and I'd rather write my thoughts down to get them out than to try and discuss all this stuff with another person..... So what follows is a direct quote from my journal from a few days ago, hope you enjoy it and I sincerely hope it helps someone else. Also, thanks to all of you who gave me advice in the other thread.
And now...... existential crisis resolved.
So the other night -- "I went to bed and I did something I haven't done in a long time. I prayed. I basically said that I need god. I'm tired of being mad at him or blaming him. And it's true, I do need God in my life. Not in the JW way or any other religion's way but in my own way. And honestly I really feel that in order for me to continue on with life I have to find a way to include the idea of god. Why? Because to my mind without something greater than myself there is no hope, no point to any of this. The best I can think of for now is this: I don't have all the big answers, no one does, they are in fact unknowable, thus those answers must not be meant for us at this time. In other words, it doesn't belong to me to know the answers. All I can do is look around me and enjoy the beauty that life has to offer and go on day by day trusting that something greater exists and that someday I will have the answers. I mean when I die either that's it and it's over and I won't even know it anyway (and if I exclude the idea of God then I miss out on the wonder and beauty of this one life) or something does happen and then I will know at least that one answer: what happens after I die? Also, it felt very good to pray. I cried. I felt comforted. I felt heard. I don't know if any of that is just a figment of my imagination or a process unique to the human mind or what but it's something. I got some peace from my existential crisis and some small amount of hope. I can't focus on THEN, if I do that I'm simply doing the same thing I was conditioned to do as a JW, I must live for the now, and appreciate the time I have here now. Life is short and it's flying by, it will all be over before I know it, so why not enjoy the ride. Take pleasure in the simple things. A warm beautiful day, walking and talking with someone I care about or find interesting, being kind to others, petting an animal, seeing the fish in the ocean, watching the sunset, breathing in the sea air, etc.... there are a million things to enjoy and to love and take pleasure in all without hurting anyone else. And if I include the idea of God then I also have someone to talk to and to thank and to rely upon and to give me hope for something after, something better, greater, or at least something. So that's what I'VE decided to believe. To exclude him would be suicide for me. I know this. It's too much a part of who I am as a human. Maybe it's all bunk, but the alternative is worse, much much worse....no hope, despair and misery. So therefore He's in. :) And I'm happier for it. I will keep my eye out for his answers and his voice and I will try and let him lead me, even if it is just my own mind or consciousness influencing the universe and electrons around me, whatever it is it FEELS real thus for me it is real. End of story really. Glad that is taken care of to be honest. I have been dying inside over this quandary and I'm now okay and much more at peace with everything. Just like that."