In love with disfellowshipped JW

by Amberlou 20 Replies latest social relationships

  • Amberlou

    I started dating a coworker who is a divorced JW. Found out he was disfellowshipped, and he was trying to figure out how to make things work. I am not a JW, and his family is not supportive of the relationship. They want him to be reinstated, and while he isn’t really interested, he doesn’t really have a choice if he wants to keep his family. We decided to just be friends so he can do what he needs to do; however, it is proving to be difficult. We both have strong feelings for each other, and have talked about a future together. I love this man, and I want to be with him. Because I love him, I want him to also have his family. I want what is best for him, but we can’t stay away from each other. Is there a way for him to be reinstated and then we begin officially dating? He has explained that a JW can date and marry a non JW, it’s just frowned upon. I’m just not sure what to expect because he is disfellowshipped. I could use some advice and guidance, because I am not very familiar with the religion. I do not believe in the teachings of JW, so I do not want to convert. I am a non-denominational Christian. Aside from this issue of him being disfellowshipped and his family pressuring him, we are perfect for each other. This is just such a difficult situation to be in. Help, please!

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath


    i was only thinking yesterday--we havent had an " i love an exjw" story on here lately--weeks even--then yet another pops up.

    same modus operandi--same author ?

  • smiddy3

    Whether you are genuine or not ,have nothing to do with this man ,it can only end in disaster for you .

    And if you love misery then keep doing what you are doing .

  • BoogerMan

    Welcome Amberlou. My advice to you is this: if you continue down this road, it will only get harder and more stressful. You may want children in your marriage, but do you really want to see your offspring indoctrinated and marginalised by a cult which will exclude them from normal, everyday pursuits like sports & higher education?

    Listen to the alarm bells now, and don't wait until you are in a divorce court arguing over custody of the kid/s.

    As someone who has researched, woken up & escaped, I can assure you that JW's should be avoided at all costs.

    If you'd like any information/questions to ask your boyfriend, I'll gladly PM them to you.

  • Half banana
    Half banana

    Amberlou, welcome to the site. Sorry to say but however attractive your friend is, he comes with toxic baggage.

    One of the methods of the JW cult is to enforce compliance by guilt and by family ties. Your lover will be getting the cold shoulder from his old friends in the religion and especially from his family. If he has few friends then be suspicious, he may be looking to you to resolve all of his troubles most of which will have stemmed from being a JW.

    The JW religion teaches however that family come second to loyalty to the religion. Should you get together you must recognise that at some stage in the future when things are tough, his indoctrination might surface again and he desires to go back to the cult. This is very common -- and where would it leave you?

    So just a gentle warning, before you proceed in your relationship, for your own safety and peace of mind, do make sure that he understands that the JW religion is a negative force within families and has deep psychological pull on those who have been there. Otherwise you are hitching up with an unreliable partner likely to ruin the relationship because of his earlier indoctrination.

    Sorry but that's the JW experience.

  • joe134cd
    Often we have people turn up in a similar situation to yours. The majority here will advise you against forming a relationship with this person, and for good reason. My advise would be to sit your boyfriend down and discuss the below link. Depending on his reaction will be a good indicator of how the relationship is likely to end up. For example;If he just refuses to watch it or says “These are apostate driven lies, motivated by Satan.”
    Can openly discuss these concerns and acknowledge that these are people who have been seriously hurt by the culture with in the group. Then this will be you answer.
  • Sea Breeze
    Sea Breeze
    I am a non-denominational Christian. Aside from this issue of him being disfellowshipped and his family pressuring him, we are perfect for each other.

    Even if he is reinstated, if he ever starts attending another church, he will be disfellowshipped again. If he stays in his current condition and starts attending a different church with you, he will be permanently shunned. He'll never see his relatives again. This WILL impact your relationship/marriage. Be prepared for depression & drug or alcohol dependency issues to dull the pain, temporarily. If this drives him to a quality rehab, he might actually start to see how God can help him. Anything can have a good ending. But it will likely be a rough long ride regardless with no guarantees.

    JW's are very effectively innoculated against receiving historical Christianity, or Christ himself as a Substitute for their own lives for that matter. Best Advice IMO - "marry only in the Lord".

  • phoenixrising

    First off its a cult and don't think it its not. Second as long as he plays with the fringes it is damaging to him and you. He needs to make a break and tell his family he is living his life and if they can not accept him for who he is then that is their choice.Very few JW family's who are really in the cult will let a former member have a relationship with a family member and not be advancing in the cult. He has to make a choice. If he gets reinstated it will be much harder for him to do that while dating a non JW. It will be seen as not having the right mind set.

  • Vanderhoven7

    He is defined by his religion as long as he still believes the religion is the truth. Time to abandon ship before you sink girl

  • RubaDub

    Amberlou ...

    I think the children thing is the big issue here. I don't know your ages, but if children are on the horizon, then stop. Growing up as a JW is hard enough with two strong JW parents. I, and many others here, will agree. Putting a child into the situation in schools is VERY tough unless you are both one way or the other.

    There is no middle-ground in JW world. If it is what you want, go for it. But getting into that situation will be very difficult. Think of a devout Muslim family with a new Jewish family member. No matter how you slice it, unless you convert, there will be pain. And a lot of it.

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