Should I let my kids visit my JW parents?

by NAPPY ROOTS 51 Replies latest jw friends

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  blondie

  12/8/97 Awake p. 12 Child Custody—A Balanced View ***

  Christian grandparents may offer the children spiritual instruction and wholesome activities, but they must be respectful of the parents’ decisions about religious training, for it is the parents , not the grandparents, who hold the moral and legal authority to make these decisions .—Ephesians 6:2-4.

  1/1/83 WT

  p. 31 Questions From Readers ***

  Another sort of loss may be felt by loyal Christian grandparents whose children have been disfellowshipped. They may have been accustomed to visiting regularly with their children, giving them occasion to enjoy their grandchildren. Now the parents are disfellowshipped because of rejecting Jehovah’s standards and ways. So things are not the same in the family. Of course, the grandparents have to determine if some

  necessary family matters require limited contact with the disfellowshipped children . And they might sometimes have the grandchildren visit them .

  Under no circumstances would I let a child of mine be alone with its grandparents. They are verbal and emotional abusers. Your children will be subject to spiritual abuse as well as your parents try to convert them to being JWs, all being well-intentioned.

  If they want to associate with their grandchildren, it should only be under your close supervision.

  Blondie
• 

  acsot

  Blondie to the rescue! Use their own publications on them - you are the parent and you decide what's right for your children. They will take every opportunity to "witness" to your kids, thinking it is their obligation and that the eternal well-being of their grandchildren is at stake. Is that what you want?

  Teach them yourself about Jesus' love (if you still believe in it) and let them see how JWs don't practice what they preach. Kids are smart - they'll see through any deception. Best of luck to you.
• 

  garybuss

  
  
  I gave Witness relatives access to two of my sons and both were taught by the relatives that I am bad association and they were counseled to limit contact with me until they could dispense with my financial assistance. As soon as my sons could, they moved out and they have shunned me since.
  
  My two younger sons, the Witnesses did not have access to, are my friends today, and they are not involved with the Watch Tower Printing Corporation at all.
  
  I would not let a Witness who ostracized me or anyone important to me, within 100 miles of anyone I cared about. No way would I let anyone who shunned and snubbed me have access to my children.
  
  
• 

  DJ

  So I cut off all association with them

  Nappy,

  I think that the above sentence is key.
• 

  Buster

  Remember the term Theocratic Warfare? Since your dubbie family is fanatic enough to shun you, then you can count on the fact that they consider fair game any tactic that'll get your children into the fold. For young children, it starts by subtly undermining your position in the children's eyes. For older children, its more direct.

  But you need to have a certain position in your children's eyes to raise them effectively. Your goodie-two-shoe, meddling, conditionally loving, cultist parents will take any shot they have to lower your standing. Shoot, you're not even good enough to have lunch with. Kids are brilliant at seeing this stuff. They don't need another issue to sort out thru their adulthood.

  I see it this way: Anything they do that undermines your children's opinion of you makes your job raising the children more difficult. Anything that gets in between you and your children raises the risk that you will have less control when you need it most. Any wedge they can put between you and you children will likley stay, and just get deeper.
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  Kaethra

  Gawd...thanks for posting those quotes Blondie. The double-speak therein is so typical.

  As to the question, I agree with the other posters who say NO WAY! If your parents are that hard-lined about not associating with you, they for sure will not respect any of your wishes regarding not indoctrinating your children behind your back...they kinda feel like they have to do that, you know?

  Besides, wouldn't you be teaching your children that it's ok for you to be treated like dirt? That would be so wrong and so confusing to them.
• 

  calamityjane

  Hi Nappy.

  Ok. My husband and I left the borg in 1994 and up until last year I allowed my parents to see my kids. They are now 13 and 11.

  My daughter who is 13 is the one that my parents zeroed in on . My son, however, is the one they never liked from the beginning. He reminded them too much of my hubby, and of course they blame hubby for me leaving the borg. Over the years of us leaving in 1994 I allowed both of them to go visit my parents over the weekend, even allow them to take them to meetings. Although after a weekend my daugther would come home with candy or clothes that were just newly bought (but never anything for my son) so naturally there would be some sibling rivallry on their return home from the visit. It would eventually come to my son not wanting to go to see his grandparents. So we allowed the daughter to go. Well that wasn't any better, it just got worse. When she came home she would be showered with gifts from them, but there was nothing for my son. Again attitude we would get from my daugther. It would take days to get peace back into our household. Finally last year, there was a dilemma, in our household.

  My daugther ended in the hospital with an awful crushing to her ankle. Okay she jumped out of our 2nd story window house. Totally crushed her ankle to smithereens!. The doctor had no idea how to fix it. He was an awsome doctor, cleaned out the bone fragments, put pins in it and we hoped for the best. We had no idea at the time whether she would walk normally on it.

  While in the hospital my daughter asked to see my parents. I thought how could I deny her seeing her grandparents. So I made the dreaded phone call. Leaving out details I told my mom that my daughter had severely injured her ankle and wanted to see her. Big Mistake.

  My mom over the days in the hospital pumped my daughter for information as to how this accident had happened. My mom gave her the opportunity to leave home if it was that bad at our place. (she jumped out the window at the age 12 because she wanted to meet up with a boy and we didn't allow it, because she was too young) She wasn't trying to hurt herself, she thought she could land on our balcony below and get away. Well, surprise!

  Anyway, at that point I knew I could not trust my mom with my daughter, giving my daughter the outlet that if it is so bad at home she could run to them at any time. Not going to happen.

  You see I have a long story with my parents, it just doesn't end with my daughter who is 13 now. I have a 23 year old daughter. that they gave the outlet to run away anytime it got tough here. She would always end up at their house. They loved it because, they thought because we left the "truth" that is why we had so many problems with our girls.

  Well to make a long story short, life is easier that my children don't have contact with my parents as it causes too much stress.
• 

  Xena

  I can understand the idea of not wanting your children to be influnced by your JW relatives....and I feel for the people who have lost their children to this cult....but it just seems to me that when you teach your children to shun the relatives that shun you...well you are just keeping the cycle of shunning going,,,

  There are exceptions to every rule and no circumstances are the same, but my thinking is that if you can allow the association and there are no adverse consequences to it beyond the hurt you might personally feel at being shunned (which believe me I know can be intense), why not try to rise above it and teach your child the correct way a person should behave? That shunning someone is not how to win them back to you and not the way to treat family members and people that you love.

  Please don't get me wrong I would NEVER judge anyone who does not allow their children to associate with family members who shun them....this is a hateful hurtful practice (the JW shunning that is) and there are as I stated before circumstances and exceptions to everything...I just wish...lol I to be honest I guess I just wish it was something we didn't have to deal with...I wish I didn't have to teach my daughter these lessons...

  Xena of the I just wish life was easy class.....
• 

  Warrigal

  Amen to Blondie's comment...they are abusers of every sort. Don't turn your children over to the grandparents without your supervision.
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  joannadandy

  On the other hand...will your children be upset with you later in life if they feel you kept them away from a relationship with their grandparents? Instead of realizing it was for their own good? Just something else to think about.

  There is a whole spectrum of beliefs when it comes to JW grandparents. I know my parents spend lots of time with my nephew when they can. They also know that religion is out-of-bounds. Now my nephew is only two, so it is easy to avoid. My mom has said when Jack (my nephew) gets older and he asks questions, she plans on telling him what she believes. My parents...pretty liberal tho. They have never shunned me or my sister even after we faded and they had every right to do so. (according to the JW's)

  I dunno...I have hard time, and I know, because of everyones own personal experiences (those who have had it MUCH TOUGHER than I have) it will be hard for them to see where I am coming from, but seeing how happy my parents are with their first grandson is very touching. I can't imagine anyone wanting to seperate children from grandparents because of doctrinal beliefs. Just because they shun you, doesn't mean you have to shun them. Be the bigger person. I worry that when people cut communication off there is no hope of reconciliation.

  Again, this is your personal choice. You know your parents, and your children best. But if it just punishes everyone to be away from each other who does that help? Don't use your children as a punishment tool for the wrongs your parents have done to you.

  I do agree with other posters here tho, set up the ground rules for them to visit with your children. Do what seems comfortable and best for you.