Why don't victims tell about their abuse.

by Lady Lee 45 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

• 

  safe4kids

  Lee,

  Another excellent essay about the dynamics of child abuse. You stated:

  Victims also dont tell because they are afraid, of losing their family, their home, and even a certain safety from the outside world. Lets face it, if your own family abuses you then what can you expect from strangers who are supposed to be even more dangerous?

  This is so very true, and is greatly exacerbated when the child is in a JW home. After all, we were taught that the outside world was extremely dangerous and that no real help was available there. Added to the crushing burden of guilt, shame and fear that an abused child carries inside, is the constant barrage of messages that Jehovah will protect his people. In that situation, I came to the conclusion that obviously, for some reason that I could not understand, I wasn't worthy of being protected...how many other children have carried that same burden?? You also shared the following:

  I beleived that he was more important to her than I was so knew she would get rid of me and keep him. When she did find out by walking in she did exactly what I thought she would do - sent me into foster care and stayed with him. Kids aren't stupid. We might not have all the facts but we know our parents and how they react to things. And we stay silent if we think telling will make things worse.

  This was also true in my case, altho I wasn't sent out of the home. I told my parents when I was around 7 or 8 years old, but the abuse did not stop. It was swept under the rug and never talked about again until I was an adult with my first child, and it was only brought up then because I was beginning to deal with it, I was beginning to get angry and think that maybe, just maybe! I hadn't done anything to be ashamed of. That was the beginning of my healing. However, in the end, my mother chose to believe my abuser rather than me. Fortunately, by that time, I had been in therapy long enough and had a wonderful network of support from healthy people that I was able to recognize the incredible sickness and dysfunction in my family of origin and remove myself from it.

  Dana
• 

  freein89

  I'm plumbing the depths here. Why is it that I never told. Here is one reason. When a child is abused trust is shattered. But it is not the obvious. If the perpetrator is known to the child, that trust is obviously gone, but when a child is not protected the trust of the parents is gone. How can a child unprotected trust its parents? From the time I was very young, under five, I knew I couldn't trust my parents. They just weren't there for me. I ALWAYS felt alone. I always felt shame. After we were adults, my sister and I told Mom. She didn't believe us. She sure would not have believed us as kids. Am I surprised, not really. I always knew there was no help there. I just knew.

  Also, children live in the now. Right now, right this minute. If nothing is happening to the child now, that is good enough. I have never been a planner, so much of life has just happened to me. I really wonder if this is a hidden result of what was done to me. It just hit me as I wrote that children live in the now. I feel a revelation here. Right now, right this minute. I have been searching for years for the answer. I am afraid to plan, and when I do, I seldom follow through. I have never been able to think about the future, as if some evil dwells there. I need to explore this idea. I need hold it up like a template and see if its true. Wow, I am lost in wonder. Could it be that simple? DID I FIGURE IT OUT??????
• 

  Lady Lee

  (((aspiration)))

  So many kids believe and some are told that if they do what the abuser wants others will be safe. It is such a con. And children believe it because they need to believe the problems they are tolerating at least have some noble purpose. Most of us would tolerate it if we thought it would protect others

  No wonder we fight harder for others than we do ourselves. It's part of the training.
• 

  Lady Lee

  (((Dana and Freein)))

  We know. Plain and simple. We knew then and we know now how they will react. Why on earth would a child tell somethiung if they think they will not be believed. They want things to get better not worse. We think silence is our friend. And the sad thing is that even when we grow up and our safety is no longer an issue and we disclose they are still unwilling to listen, believe and help.

  Freein

  That is a good point you bring up. How does a child who has to live each day trying to protect herself from danger even begin to contemplate a future except escape?

  While children do live in the now there is an element of their play which is future oriented. While other kids are playing at being actresses and doctors and mummies and daddies and policemen we are trying to be safe. We never develop the skill of planning ahead. We sit and wait for things to happen. What planning we are able to do is usually sabotaged by the adults around us. So many give up and just wait for the day they can leave.

  This is part of the victim thinking and it can be overcome. Especially now that you realize it is an artifact of the abuse.
• 

  Lady Lee

  Lately I have heard that the reason many survivors of abuse don't talk is because it didn't happen to them. It was a "suggestion" from someone else. Sending this bttt to answer some of those questions
• 

  Nosferatu

  And some victims dont tell because they have been threatened with death or further harm.

  I threatened my abuser a few times that I would tell the elders. Her response was, "Go ahead! I'll make it worth my while!"

  So you talk to the elders and trust them when they say they will take care of it.

  In my case, the elder simply made excuses for the abuser. "Well, she's a very spiritual person and I'm sure that Jehovah is helping her improve".
• 

  Big Tex

  It was a "suggestion" from someone else. Sending this bttt to answer some of those questions

  Good for you Lee. I'm glad you did. I've taken a bit of a break lately after someone "suggested" something about me. Don't let them get you down.

  We need intelligent, wise and experienced voices like yours to drown out the hateful denial generated by those who want nothing more than silence so they can perform their work. Hang in there. You've got a lot of people on your side.
• 

  Frannie Banannie

  Thank you for all your wonderful posts, especially on this topic, Lee! You are so well-informed and sane in your descriptions. I didn't tell for a long time....not till after my Mom died....because, like many others, I was told that no one would believe me and actions were taken against me to insure no one would believe me...and also, because I didn't want my Mom to be hurt....so I waited till about 4 months after she died. When my step-father remarried. I made sure his new wife knows about it, whether she chooses to believe it or not.

  Hugs,

  Fran
• 

  Lady Lee

  Fran a lot of people were "convinced" by their abusers to remain silent. Sure glad you aren't anymore.

  I too warned my father's new family when he remarried. It was a warning they appreciated because there were some weird things happening in the house and there was a teenaged girl and visiting grandchildren.
• 

  Billygoat

  It does shatter the trust. It's terribly contradictive too, because as a child you WANT to trust. Anyone. But you can't. Like you said, if you can't trust mom and dad, how can you trust anyone else. I remember fantasizing that someone would SEE the marks on my legs and back and just KNOW and would very dramatically take me away from my parents. Once my art teach asked me what the bruises were on my arms. I said I fell off my bike. She looked into my eyes a long time before she responded with "Be careful." She knew I was lying. To this day, I know she knew. And I remember thinking, "Why did you lie you idiot! Here is help!" But I was too scared to even be truthful to someone that WOULD have helped me if I'd told her the truth. My art teacher loved me and I adored her. She was one of the ones I would fantasize about taking me away from it all. *sigh* I still wonder what Mrs. Logan is doing nowadays. Amazing how memories like this can bring back so much hurt. I need to remember this whenever I feel like missing my dad. Hell will freeze over before I see him this summer.