FROM: New Heavens
TO: Earthly Chieftain Class
DATE: Year 2, after Armageddon
RE: Notes for Newly Resurrected Ones
Brothers, Please review the following items with those newly
resurrected. This information has been compiled based on reports we are
getting from down there on the Earth. We need to get some control here,
brothers.
1. When you were resurrected into your new body, you were in the buff
and clothes weren't part of the package. Well, now that you're
breathing
again, please put some clothes on. You are excited to be alive again as
God intended, but please - this may be the paradise, but it isn't the
Garden of Eden. There are six million others here, and the image of you
running around with the wind whistling through your ... whatever ...
please cover up.
2. Now that you're here, you're anxious to build yourself a new home,
and that's commendable. However, there are some guidelines we all must
adhere to for the benefit of all, and this particularly applies to
those
of you who formerly lived in certain parts of the United States. NO
TRAILERS. Does everyone understand that? Houses can be made of wood or
stone, but no mobile homes. After all, trailer parks were one of the
reasons why God wiped out the old system.
3. With regards to food, we must ask you newly resurrected ones to
please get over the idea of eating meat. This is particularly important
in view of all the animals walking around now. NO, you cannot have a
hamburger. Again, we don't mean to target certain ones of you, but NO
SQUIRREL either. Or fried chicken. You will have to leave the dogs and
cats alone too. Look, everyone is going through adjustments to be here,
it's not just you. After a while, you will get used to vegetables,
really.
4. Many of you are anxious to get in touch with long lost loved ones,
but you're going to have to be patient. There is no email anymore, so
those of you who were alive in the last days of the old system, you're
just going to have to rely on word of mouth and letters for now. You
can't go into chat rooms anymore either. We don't have any plans for
anything resembling the internet until at least after Satan is removed
from his abyss and destroyed, so you're looking at least 1,000 years.
Now you can appreciate how everyone else lived before the 1990s.
5. While we're speaking of technology, for those of you who lived in
the
1900s, television is also out for now. Do you know how ugly the New
World would look with antennas sticking up all over the place? Have you
ever seen a satellite dish in any of the Society's New World
illustrations? We promised to get you here, and you made it - that's
great. But you're not going to be able to catch up on all the episodes
ER that you missed after you died.
7. One of the blessings of the new world is peace with the animal
realm,
so it is sad that some are engaging in practical jokes. On at least
three occasions, friends have evacuated the water and beaches of the
shore when someone on land thought it would be funny to yell "Shark!"
This put a good scare in everyone until they realized that sharks are
now as timid as minnows. It may have been funny watching your brothers
and sisters run from the water, but this isn't loving is it?
8. This may be the New World, but no, you still cannot fly. Anyone
attempting to do so by jumping off a high cliff will not be saved by
angels. This warning is the only one you'll receive, so please don't
try
this. The Master has stated anyone who does this will NOT receive
another resurrection.
9. In the old world, almost everyone, when asked "What do you want to
do
in the New World", has said, "learn to play an instrument." Therefore,
many are doing this today. However, please realize that you're not a
very good musician yet. Can you keep it down please? Close the windows?
Shut the doors? Turn down the amp? Someday you may perfect this, but
you
will not be perfect for at least 1,000 years, and neither will your
playing.
Consideration people - that's all we're asking.
10. Finally, we're all happy to be here in the New World and there is
much work to do. Everyone is required to work, and we do have
sufficient
time off to rest and recreate. Yet, it has been reported that some
brothers have attempted to call in and take SICK DAYS. Brothers, there
are NO SICK DAYS. This is the New World, remember? No one will say, "I
am sick." You may have been able to use this excuse for your worldly
employer, but it won't be accepted here.
Now, we hope everyone will cooperate with these points for the benefit
of everyone.
***********************
Dont they see just how stupid their reasoning is,
'sharks are now as timid as minnows',
oh gawd!!!
