Polyamorous/Open Relationships (page 3)

joelbear

Sex is a biological function that brings pleasure. Similar to eating and sleeping.

Societies created social institutions and rules for their benefit, not the benefit of individual humans.

Man's animalistic tendency to what to take more than is given, keeps sex (and food and comfort for that matter)
from being able to be shared.

Giving, true giving is the only thing that separates us from the animals.

Giving defined as the transfer of something to another with no gain for the self.

www.joelbear.com

Joel

i think the problem here is that despite a whole lot of words spoken... someone almost always does get hurt. I have friends who cling to the idea that it COULD work depite many many years of pain and disapointment.

The only time I've ever seen a polyamorous thing work was when there was no romantic love at all. Merely friendship with sex. Even then, it was swimming in dangerous waters! There was some hurt involved, but it was fairly minor... especially compared to the level of pain I have routinely seen in these relationships.

There is also the exponentially increasing risk of disease from each additional party involved... I think it is a bad idea, but I don't think I need to live other people's lives for them. I do feel sad when I see my friends repeatedly hurting themselves, but I try not to judge. If that makes any sense.

~Witch

Xena

What is more hurtful...knowing your husband is going to be with another person...being aware of the situation and making sure he is taking no health risks with you or himself OR having him cheat on you?

Men cheat pure and simple...you would be suprised at how many, I know I am...I am sure women cheat too but I don't have as many of them hit on me I would rather know where my man is and who he is with....and have the same opportunity to experience other people that he has.

Trust and honesty is the underlying factor in making these types of situations work. And I believe that SAFE sex is a given...

Seeker4

Interesting thread, and certainly some ideas I've done considerable thinking about.

I'm not sure, given our culture, that the polyamorous life can be successfully lived. And I want to emphasize what I'm saying here - not that it's a biological or emotional impossibility, but simply that our culture has made it extremely difficult to think and act in those terms. Given a different culture, jealousy and how we think about someone we love might be quite different than how we see them now.

I want to thank COMF for the reference to AM Lingbergh's comments. There is a great deal of wisdom in what she wrote: the ideas that we don't want relationships to change and evolve; that we hunger for some wonderful moment of the relationship that has passed, which makes us fail to enjoy the different moment of the relationship that is happening now; that our fundamental error as humans - what robs us of so much pleasure - is that "we all wish to be loved alone" continuously. And it can never happen, and there comes our jealousy.

Her answer: Focus on the "one-and-only-moments," for in reality, that is all we have. Those moments when it is just us and that other person: our child, our mate, our parent, our lover, our friend. And don't get caught up in feeling that that moment, and the feelings of that moment, have to last forever. Totally living THAT moment, with THAT person, seems to me the very essence of the successful life. But for many of us, how much of life do we waste regretting or wishing to repeat moments that have passed, and worrying about moments that not only haven't yet happened, but will actually NEVER happen?? Thinking of what "isn't," we often miss "what is."

Hey! There may be a whole lot more depth to Stephen Stills "Love the One You're With" than we could ever have imagined! Some good thoughts in this thread. Thanks.

S4

Edited by - Seeker4 on 21 August 2002 15:50:10