I am sitting here reading posts & trying to decide how to leave the organization. I really left years ago- but three years ago got reinstated because my dad was dying of cancer- and needed to be around him. (Great reason, eh?) I have slowly faded- probably only gone to 5 meetings since I got reinstated. I thought I could quietly fade- no label, still see family, but the constant barage of 'FRIENDS' who stop on Saturday to try to encourage me, and my family emailing & calling trying to get me to go to meetings, and the constant GUILT that gets associated with it- I just want it over. It is almost better being disfellowshipped- then they can't get their claws into you! Too bad you can't just say- hey- I am not interested- you just can't. You have to be disfellowshipped or disassociate yourself to make a clean break. I wrote THREE letters today to the local body of elders- asking to be disassociated- but deleted them all. I don't know which is worst- the DAILY emails & calls from family full of guilt, but still being in touch- or the once & for all over with! Just got an email from my mother saying "You don't love Jehovah" I get so tired of defending myself. I hate it. There is no honorable way out, is there? Even if SOMEHOW you make a break- there is still guilt & mind control for years. All because you get babtized. Wow.
No honorable way out
by Perfection Seeker 14 Replies latest jw experiences
-
-
obiwan
Hi perfection,I'm sorry for your anxiety on the matter but there really is no "clean" break sometimes in life things come down to the nike saying "just do it" you will constantly fight yourself because there is no easy way out.But you do have the comfort of your friends here always,let us know how your doing on this matter soon.
-
SpiceItUp
I was never baptised so I can't really relate but I do believe you have the strengh somewhere deep down inside you that will allow you to be who you need to be.
My mother for all the crap I got growing up layed off a bit when I turned 18. I think the nicest thing she ever said to me was "I am glad you are not pretending to be something you aren't". This of coarse totally surprised me. Now and again she will ask if I want to read the newest magazine. I used to politely tell her that I didn't have the time. Now I simply say that I don't want to.
All in all...deep down they will respect you for being your own person (even if they won't admit it). Not to mention that you will respect yourself much more when you are.
I wish you strengh and luck with how you decide to follow through with this difficult situation and wish I was able to offer you more than just words of encouragement. But I have faith in you.
Spice
-
Perfection Seeker
Ever notice the people on this website, even though "strangers" are more supportive than any "friend" you ever had in the congregation? Thanks so much for your posts. This website is the first, and last, and about 50 times in between- thing I do each day. Only found it a few days ago- but already feel I am pulling "strength" out of it to help on the journey ahead. Thanks so much.
-
erasescars
Perfection Seeker....a commendable goal, but unrealsitic. But, you are absolutely to be admired and encouraged for seeking it. I believe that when you strive for perfection and settle for no less it will end up crashing down on you. At some point one has to weigh the cost of seeking the unattainable, perfection, against that which is reasonably acceptable in view of the circumstances.
So it is with your search for perfect escape. It is not going to be possible to find a perfect answer that contains all that you either need or desire. Instead, out of necessity for your mental and physical health and well being and your overall happiness, I would suggest you consider settling on a path that brings you the most peace. I suggest that in doing so you consider only your own well being, only your own future (not past) life. Consider what impact disassociation will have solely on you as you (and husband and children) go forward in life....not anyone else. It would not seem difficult to list the pro's and con's (even relative to individulas like your mother) in the context of different scenarios for your life...look at them, think about them, weigh them like you might a chess move relative to each factor you consider significant....then make your decision and go and don't look back. Don't worry about what you might have done different, your decision will have been carefully weighed and made and will be the very best you know how....perfect??...NO, but a VERY GOOD decision and as close to perfection as you are able to get. AS perfect as anyone could expect. And don't lose site that there is no dealine, there probably WILL be a tomorrow and if there isn't your decision not having been made won't matter, so take your time making the decision....there is no rush except as it affects your own health.
-
dustrabbit
If I could go back and leave they way I should've...it would be hellfire and brimstones:
I'd walk into the KH in the middle of the CO's visit. Dressed in Black, giving some sort of Neo/Matrix type speech like he does when at the end of the movie....then give the middle finger and walk out -
SPAZnik
honourable. yeah. that's tuff.
i think there is honour in bearing up under the difficult situation for reasons like supporting your father like you did/are.
i also think there is honour in being honest.
be true to yourself in this quandry. decide what matters to you most.
and where you are unsure....take your time.
there's nothing wrong with not having all the answers.
humility is honourable too.
i think it's honourable to make the best decision you can
then follow through with honesty and integrity.
i guess what it boils down to,
is that you need to decide what would be most honourable
in your mind and heart. try to set aside what others think. there will always be someone bashing your honour...no matter what your choices. even if you stayed.
SPAZ -
Sirona
Hi,
I don't think you have to DA yourself to be left alone.
Next time one of them calls you to talk about the "truth" say (firmly) "I don't want to talk about the Jehovah's Witnesses" or "I've decided I don't want to go to meetings, so please respect my decision".
This has worked for me. I am not DF or DA. They only mention it now and then. Plus, I have the upper hand. They approach the subject by saying "er...I dont want to bother you, but have you thought about Jehovah?" and I reply, "Yes, I've thought about it and I still don't want to go to the hall".
Over time, they stop bothering you....but you have to be firm. Its no use talking about it with them and letting them think that they're "encouraging" you. They might think that they're getting somewhere and helping you to return. You need to explain that you don't want to return.
I would not DA yourself because it sounds to me like you still want contact with these people. They cannot DF you unless you do something bad or if you voice your views (apostasy). Just simply say you don't want to go to the hall anymore.
Sirona
-
garybuss
Perfection Seeker wrote:
I thought I could quietly fade- no label, still see family, but the constant barage of 'FRIENDS' who stop on Saturday to try to encourage me, and my family emailing & calling trying to get me to go to meetings, and the constant GUILT that gets associated with it- I just want it over.
Hi PS, This is just a phase for many of us in our journey to our own comfort level of freedom. I would suggest that you fight yourself in order to be able to tolerate the JW's long enough to do the research and uncover the issues and beliefs causing the guilt and shame.
This is an inside job. The JW's visiting is probably not the real problem. The real problem is the guilt and shame and probably the fear. Those are all emotions and can be dealt with on a rational objective personal level apart from the individuals in the group.
It is a fallacy to think that if I make *them* go away or shun me, the emotions will quiet down and I can live a happy life. I need to uncover my own core beliefs and objectively look at those I most strongly protect. Those are the ones most likely to be in error and causing the problems.
The people coming around pushing buttons are doing us a favor. If they push a button and we react, we need to write down what it was they said and how we felt and how we reacted and rate that reaction. That is a key to finding the belief in our subconscious. Once we have found it, we can start the process of testing it to see if it is a rational objective belief, or one we accepted because our parents believed it, or because it *fit* with the next belief that we accepted without proof.
It is a process and painful at first. We use our core beliefs to filter everything that comes in to the brain. When we challenge those core beliefs, we sense a loss and realize we can not trust our trained instincts anymore.
The concept is huge. Challenge the unchallengeable, the subconscious. It goes against my nature. I tend to want to protect my core beliefs. They are the very operating system for my life. The results are well worth the effort.
It is sort of like going from DOS operating system for the computer to the latest version of Windows. It took some effort to learn the new system but it was worth it. Same with the brain.
The depressions lift and disappear. We quit fearing our own emotions and the feeling of anger and fear and that nagging feeling of impending doom goes away. We can function among the Witnesses and not be manipulated by them and not fear them. We quit trying to read minds and we realize we can choose our behaviors and we are safe with our own emotions.
Being disfellowshipped or disassociated or shunned will not make it all end nor will it make it any easier. The guilt, shame, fear, anger, and resentment will all still be there.
I hope you do not disfellowship or disassociate. We are just reacting to the way we are reacting. That is changeable by us and has nothing to be with them. It is actually helpful to have them come around while we are challenging our core beliefs as a test to see how we are doing and as a way of discovering new triggers and diffusing them.
I write this from my own perspective of living with Witness parents and leaving group activity when I was 30 years old and being a recovering theist for 28 years.
Best wishes and my support.
gbThe Way I See it http://www.freeminds.org/buss/buss.htm
-
Perfection Seeker
Thanks to all who have replied. LOTS of information to absorb. I VERY much appreciate the time & words. :)