One of the thing I appreciate most about this site is reading other people's experiences while in and out of the cult. When I read other people's stories, it helps to validate my own experiences. I rarely talked to anyone else besides my husband concerning my doubts, and so for the entire time that I was in I thought I was the only one having these negative experiences with the brothers in the Kingdom Hall. I thought I was the only one that saw the inconsistencies in the literature and, basically, all of the BS that was spouted from the platform.
And now I realize that the sister who gave me study, my "spiritual mom" also had doubts and was unhappy with her life as a JW. I remember our conversations. She is a very very smart woman. They have offered her the position of head nurse of the pediatric center where she works. Her kids are basically geniuses. But she shared with me that she has a huge battle against "independent thinking." Because she is so intelligent, she relied on her own reasoning and understanding to get through the day in her personal and professional dealings. She did not need to rely on Jehovah. She did not have to "wait on Jehovah." What's wrong with that? Well, when you start thinking as a Witness you become unhappy. You can identify the BS. You see it in the literature. On the platform. You know that you are limiting your children, yourself, your husband. It is a sad scenario. My "spiritual mom" suffers from cognitive dissonance, too. And she releases her pent-up frustration by remodeling the house... I am making connections beyond myself. Now I see it in others who were in the cult with me. I was not alone before.
Another point... One of the things I had a hard time relating to was those who shared their health difficulties, physically. It makes sense to me that one would suffer emotionally from the spiritual abuse put upon the R & F by the higher-ups. My personal experience is a testament to this. I suffered bouts of depression during my time in the cult, and I now understand that jwism holds the brunt of the fault there. I guess I didn't understand the physical health part (chronic fatigue syndrome, etc.) that some share because I did not experience it personally nor with anyone I knew while in the cult. Until recently...
My "spiritual mom's" husband suffers from strange bouts of sickness to the point where he needs to be hospitalized. The doctors have NO IDEA what is wrong with him. They have ran every single test you can think of. He catches 103/104 degree fevers that require hospitalization because they will not go down with standard, over-the-counter medicine. His joints become stiff and he can barely walk. The key here is: the doctors do not know what is wrong. I will repeat: they ran every single test imaginable. And last night, it occured to me, out of the thin blue sky, that perhaps, this man might be suffering physically from the extreme cognitive dissonance of being a 3rd generation "born in" inflicting this cult upon his family.
There it is. I now understand.