Elder's attitude to dating a non-believer vs acting like a Christian (page 2)

blondie

At least he hasn't said that dating/marrying/being married to a non-jw is kissing a corpse as one CO said from the platform at a circuit assembly

KiddingMe, I would be as confused as you as to when and how that sister would become 'unmarked'. If she had divorced him in order to get back on course, would she not be marked again for that? It doesn't make any sense at all. It is just another control mechanism.

I hope you are right about the possibility that my Dad will be more accepting once we're married. I have almost come to terms with the thought that he and my Mum won't be at my wedding, although there will always be a small flame of hope that they'll act like human beings! The elder's book says that elders cannot encourage relationships between witnesses and non-witnesses by inviting them to their homes etc, even if they are inactive. I will have a look and see what it says about how to treat the couple once they're married. Surely, if I'm not DF'd or DA'd, they can't ignore that I'm married and he is a member of the family.

Narcissistic Supply, why does he have that ahead of him? I'm not like that, and neither is my family. I know the organization is as a whole, but he's nothing to do with it, and I have as little to do with it as possible. I no longer have any JW friends and don't attend meetings at all. I don't believe in any of the crap they spout, especially the stuff they use to control the minions.

out4good3

Give him time Blondie.......

He'll get to it. It'll slip one day.

ItsMyLife

Blondie, I read that somewhere - I was shocked! How can they not see how incredibly offensive they are to non-witnesses? Surely being Christian is accepting everyone as they are, even if you personally disagree or think the bible disagrees with the way they live their lives? Like I said before, they are religionist (is that a real word?) and really do incite hate for non-JW's.

When I pointed out to my ex-friend that I fully expected her to dump me the way she did because witnesses can't have friends outside of the 'truth', she said 'yes we can, we can be friends with studies and interested ones'. She completely made my point for me and couldn't see it. I couldn't do anything but laugh at that point, she is just so brainwashed, she literally had an answer for everything. And couldn't see she was contradicting herself. Poor woman. I do miss her though.

ruderedhead

I don't know if this helps, but parents are disappointed in their children's choice of mate all the time for different reasons. I have neighbors who are wonderful people, and they came to the States from another country. Neither of their children married someone who was of the same heritage, and the Mom was very disappointed. She was not very discreet about it, but eventually came around. I've heard of other stories where this was the case as well, parents wanting their children's mates to be from the same background, and being upset when the children didn't follow that path. Your Dad may come around eventually as well. If you have a good Christian man, you are blessed! Have a good life!

sosad

i am married 21 years to my very Catholic (aka very Christian) husband. I was marked, ignored and otherwise treated very poorly by former witness friends and family....it was actually helpful to my fade. There was a sister who was also marked - members of the congregation thought SHE was dating a non witness and started shunning her at meetings (the funny thing was, she wasn't!) but it made her rethink her belief in the org.

my parents and siblings came to the dance partion of our wedding, not the ceremony. A couple of years later i asked my parents if they actually thought i was married or just "living in sin" and they said no, they agreed i was married....to which i replied, "so God was at my wedding, and you were not." It never came up again.

the attitude comes and goes with them - if they did not need the help of their non jw kids, i imagine we would see/hear less from them

My husband never ceases to be amazed at how they can treat/talk to me under cover of being jw...or how they live their life and the angst they feel but he can defend his faith and belief system and that is a killer for them so they dont ever bring it up to him. As he says, they have always been nice enough to him, but he is shocked how they can treat me.

When i first fell in love, I prayed not to be in love with him.... and i was really upset that he was praying to ST Joseph for God's will to be done. My own JW upbringing kicked in and i thought "how dare you think YOUR prayers are better but i did switch up and started praying for whatever God's will was...and everything worked out in such strange ways for us to be together.

We have a very basic, happy family.

Must have been Satan answering our prayers, right? ; )

KiddingMe

I agree, it is all about control and doesn't make any sense. I see so many similarities in your story. My husband got DF'd for dating me and having a child. I was the unbeliever. We did not marry nor was he was not reinstated until over a year after our child was born. During that year his parents delt mostly with me on a daily basis because they babysat our baby and my other child from a previous relationship. We got along well. His mother would even come over to our place and visit me and the children (their DF'D son, my boyfriend at the time, would stay in the bedroom). It wasn't until I was close to getting baptized that it dawn on me that her visits were also a source to get field service time as she was a regular pioneer. That may not heve been her only intention and probably an excuse to give her husband for visiting and/or it could have been a way for her to check up a little on her son, who knows?-It's warped thinking but allowed her to justify feeding into her human side. My point is, if its enough wiggle room for a JW to use and not bring reproach on Jehovah they may use it. Most parents want their children happy and want to support.

As far as them attending your wedding, I can understand how hard that is. That's another crazy thing, my inlaws attended their bible study's ceremony at the justice of the peace but couldn't attend ours at the justice of the peace, of course he was disfellowshipped but even if he wasn't they couldn't because I was an unbeliever.

This brings me to another point, your other difficult situation, I assume your son is from a believer. That's sort of where I am with my children, trying figure out how to keep them from getting baptized. My husband currently is not aware of my doubts, and there is some pressure for them to get baptized. I'm stilling researching and trying to figure out my own feelings before I can address this but It will not be long before I need to take a stand for their sake. I imagine you will eventually have to do the same. Aside from all the other issues bought on growing up as a witness, If he gets baptized and you are no longer in you will run into the same issues you are going through now if he ever decides to get married, will you be able to attend the wedding? I can understand to a degree what you are going through.

nugget

To go out with a non believer is treated as disloyalty to Jehovah and will result in marking which is one step up from disfellowshipping. It is unchristian and extremely insulting to the other person who is punished as well. Jws do not see that this behaviour makes hem appear arrogant and extreme they are so busy worrying about rules and punishment. The message of Christian love has been buried under a pile of regulations no wonder people from mainstream churches which teach about the grace of god, love and forgiveness are confused and insulted by the witness approach.

If you love one another then that is what counts. If he has a family that doesn't follow bat shit crazy regulations then that is a blessing. It may be that your family will soften their approach later but you can't count on it. However if this man cares for you and is willing to support you through this then be there for each other. Your long term happiness and your life is your own, don't allow people trapped in a cult to determine who you can or cannot go out with.

ingimar

You owe it to this guy to be 100% sure that you will never return to this cult ever again. I married an inactive JW and 7 years later he thought that he would start up again with them. I felt betrayed and totally mislead. I felt like he waited until he had me securely committed to him and our marriage so he thought that it was safe to return. He found out in a hurry how I felt and after a few months of complete turmoil in our marriage and me basically giving him the choice of them or me, he thankfully chose me and he has dissassociated himself from them. He has returned to his old loving caring self. I don't know for sure that he will stay out so I keep myself informed. I have also told the pesty elder that kept coming to the door to stay away. Please do not mislead this man!

XBEHERE

Your father is afraid to be deleted as an elder. If there are others on his body that have personal issues with him or don't like him they could use this as a reason. They can tell the CO that by associating with you and your man he is giving "tacit approval" to your "unchristian" course of conduct. He is not exemplary anymore and therefore must be deleted.

Elders love to throw that word around "exemplary" to qualify or disqualify someone. Yet ask them to explain to you what it means and they wont be able to. Its kind of an umbrella statement to cover non scriptural reasons. lol. so stupid.

Elder's attitude to dating a non-believer vs acting like a Christian

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