How does TTATT affect your marriage??

Crazyguy

Just wondering of those of you that have left or are fading and have married ones still in, how is it going, is there hope or is the marriage doomed? Wondering what are the percentages. I'm fading fast but wife is zealous as ever and we don't talk spiritual things at all anymore. I have started to tell the kids a few little tidbits at times but nothing too major yet to rock the boat. I am sure when i do things will get rough.

sd-7

Well, some of that depends on who you married. For me, I'd say the relationship was irrevocably damaged by TTATT and has limped along so long as I have held onto a belief that it's only proper to honor my vows. Others have been able to get their spouses out. My wife has come to see it as a crutch and she probably feels she can't consider leaving for fear of returning to her old way of life. Thinking critically seems to frighten her.

It becomes the elephant in the room. For her I'm not sure if she's conscious of the elephant and the fact that it bothers me a lot, or at least of how much it bothers me every second; if anything she probably hopes I'll go back someday or something.

But for me, the way she treated me in the aftermath of it, it destroyed my love and respect for her. It's only because I'm a decent enough person to keep trying to save it all that it has survived. There's still hope of a greater peace someday. But not all that much.

--sd-7

mauiboy

For the most part my experience sounds similar to --sd-7......When I quit almost 6 years ago life became hell for over 2 years....my 'christian' JW wife screamed "I hate you" in tantrums that would last from a few minutes to a few days for an almost 2 1/2 year period. I did my best not to retaliate in kind, but I gave in a few times. I think at one point I had a bit of a nervous breakdown.....I was sleeping alone; she had moved into another room......and woke up jerking around violently in my bed; I could not control my body. Quite scary....when I was finally able to stand I went to the room where she was sleeping and started shaking her hard. Her head was wagging back and forth and I realized I could hurt (maybe worse) her without much more effort. so I collected myself and went outside. At 1 oclock A.M. pacing the driveway for nearly 2 hours I had to tell her to get out of my face, stay away .... I didn't want to hurt her. I wondered how many neighbors picked up on the commotion. Life has never been the same. I have gone thru several stages of feelings toward her.....shock, dislike, vehemnet dislike, hatred, and now apathy. I don't love her anymore. We haven't been intimate or had sex for nearly a year I'm guessing. I care for her welfare, but not much beyond that....sort of like caring for a pet......not wishing any harm on it but not crazy about it either. I have wondered if she is having an affair, but if she is: good for her. I am contemplating the same for me. And thats the hard part of apathy....if there is an emotion, there is something to work with. Apathy offers nothing. But I have too much invested in this......45+ years, 2 adult kids, 5 g-kids, 3 g-g-kids, a paid-off house, no bills, 4 streams of income, cars paid for, etc.,etc........too much to walk away from or to be willing to give a huge chunk away to have .....what??...peace? Maybe, I don't know. So, I too live with an elephant in the room.

I have no advice for you. You have to do whats in your heart, but be prepared for the long haul. It usually isn't easy.

Indian Larry

It is difficult, very difficult. For instance, I have both my wife and daughter have heard me discuss how Rutherford tried to compromise with Hitler, they know that I feel that the blood doctrine as the society defines it is contradictory and not biblically based. They also know how I feel about the problem that the Watchtower has had with pedophiles.

Now my wife is bringing my daughter to the disctrict assembly. Saturday afternoon my daughter will hear a hate filled talk that describes those very issues and calls people who do not believe as they do apostates. My wife and daughter will hear someone whom they belive is part of sole channel of communication from God say I am part of the "seed of Satan" that I am part of the antichrist. I am not nuts about my daughter spending Saturday afternoon hearing someone she respects saying that her father is a lyer and to stay away from him.

Thing is I have successfully faded, I am not DF'd, and I do honestly still belive in both God and Jesus. I do still belive in a earthly kingdom, I don't belive in eternal torment of hell either. However I believe the FDS is a parable not a prophecy and I do not accept these self proclaimed leaders.

Problem is my daughter has a lot of really nice friends in the hall. They are good kids. Honestly better than most others that I personally know. She is not baptized (or even an unbaptized publisher yet) but her social ties are STRONG. Also she is like I was at her age. If I forbid her from going to the hall, nothing could stop her. My wife is totally under influence of the mind control techniques that the organization uses so there is no way to reach her. Any logical argument has no chance. Proof from old Watchtowers means nothing. Her cognitive dissonence is very strong. If I say anything she gets really upset, so I try not to rock the boat.

What that leads to is a very superficial relationship between my wife and myself and to a lesser extent my daughter. I see our marriage on a downward slide. I am not giving up however. One of the things I always treasured in my marrage is that my wife and I always had good communication. TTATT has taken that away. Now we are just going through the motions and I HATE it.

It's not like I am trying to stop her from going to the hall, I just wish she would discuss these issues with me on an adult level, but that will not happen.

I told her if she would prove to me that the men who claim to be the faithful slave really were who they say they are I would forget all my other issues and come back to the meetings on a regular basis. Problem is I told her this over a year ago and she has not even (to my knowledge) done any research or made any attempt to prove it. Never the less that does not stop her from taking my daugher to the meetings to hear how bad of a person her father is. Of course she is never irregular in service either. I have told both of them any Saturday they want to talk to someone about the bible they have an interested person in the house (me), but they would rather go put in "time" going door to door and leave me to be bird food. Honestly that does piss me off.

The other problem is that we can not have a family study because there is so much I disagree with. I tried having a study just reading directly from Romans and Galations but I can't seem to get through one chapter without making both of them mad at me.

It sucks all around.

sspo

In 2005 after 32 years in the Org. i started questioning the teaching and eventually came to conclusion that the watchtower is just another religion that claims to have the only "truth".

Once i spoke to my wife about my doubts, eventually she turned me in to the elders and along with her father who has been in the org. since the 50's tried to get me DF.

Never got DF , just walked away but my 26 year marriage came to an end. My oldest daughter has not talked to me since March 2009. Fortunately my two other girls left the watchtower also.l

GoodGuyGreg

Compared to the previous posters, I've been very lucky. My wife is a strong believer in God, but unlike many witnesses, she actually is pretty Christ-like. Actually, the situation between us was at its worst right before I admitted to myself that I had gradually become an atheist. Once I did, she seemed to know how to handle it, and everything has actually been really good between us.

It helps that she puts her own values above the org's, of course. When they're being stupid about something, she simply sees it as a problem they'll have to deal with in time, but one that she doesn't have to be part of. This, of course, makes her easy to respect, and that's always good for a relationship.

cedars

Crazyguy - I'm sorry to hear your wife won't discuss her beliefs with you at all anymore. I am very fortunate in that my wife was always willing to discuss things from the beginning of my fade. As a result, she is now fading with me. However, you NEED that basic level of communication.

My Dad is still inside. As with your wife, he has told me that he won't discuss the Truth with me because it is too "emotional" for him. Despite saying this, he does make "Truth-oriented" remarks now and then, doubtless in the hopes of pulling me back. Whenever he makes such comments I leap on them, but I'm frustrated by how one-sided the dialogue is in Dad's favor. He dictates the discussion and has chance to prepare for it. I can only react to what is said on the spur of the moment.

If your wife is saying absolutely NOTHING about her beliefs, I would be tempted to ask her to elaborate on why this is. If this really is the "Truth" shouldn't it stand up to the closest possible scrutiny? Or deep down does she know herself that it isn't really the Truth, and she is too afraid to find out?

I'm not telling you what to do or say. You will know your wife better than anyone and will know how to approach this. It may be that my approach would be entirely useless.

Cedars

Ucantnome

it didn't really affect my marriage.

punkofnice

My JW daughter and wife left home, leaving me with 2 teenage boys that do not believe.

I can't discuss it much more......................life is sh1t.

Nuff said.

jookbeard

destroyed mine although we never started too well, should never have got married in the first place, and 2 years into the marriage I started finding out TTATT, I quickly faded and making my feelings known to her and got the usual psychotic responses of fingers in the ears, screaming from the top over voice, violence, and after surviving a JC we seperated after 5 years, strangley she wanted me back and we would meet with me going over to her place and spending the night for a few months, I eventually met someone and gave her the "scriptual divorce" card, she since has remarried. In some ways I kind of felt sorry for her in the time when I had completly left anything to do with the cong, she strived to have a young elder husband that she could be proud of sadly I was never to be me, and I wished her no harm , I was gald to see the back of her but never showed any hatred towards her, I noticed how desperatly lonley she was in the cong week after week of study/FS/Meeting attendance etc.

How does TTATT affect your marriage??

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