by dissonance_resolved 44 Replies latest jw experiences
My worst memories and lasting damage came as a born in. I had no protection?. We faded quietly. My extended relatives created the fiction that we were still active?
No one knows the way for another. Losing my relatives would cut me to the core. They risked eternity on paradise earth?
I have a toddler. My wife takes her to the meetings, and she loves it. People dotting on her, all the other little kids (just a few but still...).
But she is just a toddler. I am still wrapping my head around how I will make sure she thinks for herself. It seems I am going to have to be somewhat connected to these two worlds for the foreseable future. So I am making my game plan now.
Ultimately my daughter will be responsible for her own life and her own decisions. We all are. Even being indoctrinated at a young age, we ultimately have to stand up and take responsibility for what we did, what we believed, and who we are.
I sympathize with your situation. Maybe it is a little selfish. But then again, would your kids (not knowing their ages), know enough to know what is really going on? How would your husband react? Would the JW family love bomb the crap out of the youngsters and they would turn on their mom? I can only imagine the embarrasment and shame from that phone call. No judgement here.
The slow and steady win this race. Be a good person. Love your kids and think in their best interest always. Its the long game you are playing here, not the short. There may be some pain or problems short term for the long term good. What else can you do?
If you don't want to tell your kids about the terrible religion while they are attending, and your kid is already treating the doctrine seriously, it is my opinion that you need to get the kids outta there as soon as possible.
Make true excuses if necessary. "They are having some trouble and need some time out from the Kingdom Hall."
It's not like you are hoping to be a good example so you can regular pioneer.
Is a slow fade being selfish when you have kids?
IMO - Yes it is!
No, I do not think a slow fade is selfish when you have kids. It all depends on the circumstances. In my case, it's the opposite of selfish. The kids have had good relationships with their extended JW family which, due to a few bereavements over the years, has become considerably smaller. These connections have been precious and it would have been cruel to rip those apart or create MORE disfunction by causing a scene over our problems with the religion.
While they've been growing, we've made sure they've had a watered-down JW experience - quietly 'celebrating' their birthdays, taking some Sundays to have a picnic in the park instead of going to the meeting, giving them interesting things to do during the meetings, pursuing their interests and talents, homework or early nights coming before meeting attendance, not active in the TMS, never becoming publishers in their own right, sleepovers with their school friends, participating in as much as possible at school, contact with DF-ed relatives, etc. - and they have become aware of some of our difficulties or ambiguities with JW teachings and the position we, as a family, are in. As the kids get older and become more independent, they'll be able to maintain (or otherwise) their own extended family relationships irrespective of what happens to us. They will remain free. That's been the plan anyway.
Having said that, we are aware that due to our balancing act, a heavy burden has also been placed on their young shoulders. They too have had to learn how to live in two worlds - what to say and not say in front of whom. School can be very hard - there are other JW kids there too - it can be a logistical nightmare dealing with the conflicts of interest, and a cause of great stress at certain times of year.
Only time will tell whether we made the right call or not and to what extent we've screwed them up!
You have a tough choice to make
1) fade slowly and risk your son becoming hopelessly indoctrinated with fear and intimidation
2) fade abuptly and risk damaging your relationship with your husband beyond repair
You are in a similar position to me a couple years ago. I tried to talk with my wife about different things but all I succeeded in doing was showing my cards. She was all in and would entertain no such idea of daring to question anything that is taught. It all came to a head when my 5 year old told me that I hate Jehovah and love Satan. I had had it. For the sake of giving my children a normal childhood free from the mental shackles of a dangerous and controlling cult......I decided to hasten my fade and up the anty. I began talking to my children and telling them that the bible does NOT say that birthdays are bad. I began to reason with them based on logic....whereas before I basically kept my mouth shut and allowed my wife to indoctrinate. My stance infuriated my wife and I knew it was only a matter of time before the shit hit the fan. That happened quickly. My wife left. Custody is still not settled but at the very least.......I can and have reached my children in a number of different areas. They both want to celebrate their birthdays. Neither of them thinks the idea of God killing billions of people for not being in a particular religion is beyond unreasonable and cruel.
For me.....my wife basically gave me an ultimatum. Shut my mouth, watch my children grow up as JWs and maintain my marriage........or try to give my children freedom and watch my marriage crumble. It was tough for a while......but I made the right choice. Kids need a normal childhood. That's not to say that they can't figure things out for themselves when they are older. You did. I did. A lot of people did. But dammit.....how much better would it have been to have had a NORMAL childhood?
I don't know what your future holds, but you may be in for a tough decision in the near future.
Me personally, I'm not in any kind of situation like that. I was never baptized, I escaped the madness at age 19, and my husband was never a JW, he grew up Catholic. I love my husband but if I had to choose between my husband and my kids, I'm choosing my kids all the way.
Who knows, maybe a slow fade is better for the kids, as it will give them time to adjust. As occasions like these you can gradually introduce the idea that you think not everyone who is not a JW will die at Armageddon. I told my kids that anyway, because the bible says only Jehovah can read hearts, and even when I believed in this religion, I recognized that there was a chance I could be wrong.
I would think it would be somewhat disconcerting for them to all of a sudden have you say this religion is all bunk. They haven't had the time you have had to think this through. I would just handle each issue as it come up. If you have stopped going to meetings, they will stop being influenced by the extremist Watchtower thinking, and you can introduce more balanced thinking.
I think you can influence your child for good now, during the fade. The comfort you gave him today was perfect. Your independence of mind, choosing compassion over doctrine, is going to show. The child will absorb and adapt My big worry for the big fade is if you don't have hubby on the same page yet. Divorce can be just as stressful for a child.
My heart goes out to you. You are doing the right thing by talking to his teacher and looking into counceling. The fact that you are not ignoring this and trying to find a solution shows you are a loving mother.
