Parents, A Rational Choice ?

by garybuss 21 Replies latest jw friends

  • garybuss
    garybuss

    Parents, A Rational Choice

    I was a believing walkaway (1974 ) from the group, Jehovah’s Witnesses. I expected at some level that my walking away would be temporary. I intended to get my questions answered to my own satisfaction and someday return to association. I reached a point in my life when I wanted to finish unfinished business.

    I had unanswered questions about the Jehovah’s Witnesses and I had been trained by them to think I could bring my questions about them to them. The Jehovah’s Witnesses who had the most influence on me were my parents. It seemed natural to take my questions to them.

    I was naïve enough to think my questions were religious in nature so I started out by reading the book called The Bible. While reading the New Testament I questioned why Jesus associated with tax collectors and prostitutes and Jehovah’s Witnesses taught shunning these people. I called my father and asked him what his thoughts were on this conflict.

    He said he’d read it and get back to me. A few days later he left a message on my telephone answering machine. The message was to see an article in The Watchtower magazine and he left the page number, the issue date, and the year of the publication.

    I called back and asked him if he was going to answer my question. He said he already did and asked if I hadn’t gotten the answering machine message. I said yes I got the message but I wasn’t wondering what the Watchtower publishers thought about the question. I wondered what he thought. He said, that is what I think about it.

    Early in my research I noticed that what the Watch Tower Corporations teach about an issue and their behavior are often two very different things. One example of that is the fact that they teach that they are a loving group while hating and shunning friends and family. Or their teaching that the League Of Nations and it’s successor The United Nations, is the worst thing on the planet while the Watch Tower Corporation actually voluntarily joined as an NGO member.

    I dreamed of a healthy, friendly adult relationship with my parents and other relatives. It was life long dream and a hope I kept in my heart. Hope dies hard.

    I had believed that my parents and relatives loved me, and if I had a question about something they had taught me or supported, they would listen and reply in an objective, rational way. I had read stories of people being rejected by parents and relatives when they asked questions the Witnesses didn’t like, but I really believed my parents’ and relative’s love for me was stronger than those other people I had heard about.

    I was wrong. Almost right away in my questions to them, they became angry, said they wished they had put me in a foster home as a child, began yelling at me and slammed their door to my back as I made my hasty exit. Rapport was lost and to this day, over 7 years later, they have never contacted me.

    That might not be all bad but if loss of rapport is not the effect you want, I suggest never confronting any Jehovah’s Witness with information of a nature they might object to in the least.

    I did my confrontation out of ignorance while deluded. I had never contacted former Witnesses or compared notes. No one warned me not to confront them. I had read Crisis Of Conscience by then and as I tried to answer my questions, for every question I answered I created 12 more.

    One thing I can say. It was very therapeutic to confront my parents with the abuse they heaped on my brother and I. They beat us with hands, and flyswatters and yardsticks as well as almost daily yelling rages and shaming. They really got upset when I brought that up, so I knew I was on the right track.

    After the confrontation meeting, I wrote my mother a letter and told her I would not be accepting any more of the type of abuse I received during that meeting and that she was free to call me or come over and I would talk to her, but she had to behave in a civil manner. I have not heard from her. Before the confrontation she had not called me for over a year, so not much was lost by way of a relationship I guess. Still I had that child’s hope.

    I guess the bottom line is this. If I want a relationship with somebody, parents, relatives, anybody, I need to accept them as they are and not try to change them. I have to help them protect their delusions and sacred cows. I can’t threaten their home or their hopes or their relationships. The Jehovah’s Witnesses have an eggshell fragile living and belief system. They have such a fragile delusion they live in that much of their religious energy is put into protecting it from even honest questioning.

    Rapport is hard enough to keep without putting a virtually helpless person on the defensive. The Witnesses have no control over what is written in the journals nor do they really have any idea what it all means. They are ignorant and superstitious people who believe that blindly believing the publisher’s book or magazine is required by their god so the god won’t let then die and if he does let them die, he will re-create them in a perfect replica body.

    They are much like children who are told if they have a blue marble and a red marble and a yellow marble and six white marbles in a jar lid, the boogey man won’t get them. Then we come along and threaten to take some of their marbles. They get upset. This is serious to them.

    It is hard for a healthy intelligent adult to see that one or both of their parents are mildly retarded and vulnerable. We deal with a degree of denial ourselves in order for us to protect our own egos from the facts that our parents are retarded. We need to recognize our own denial and respect it by protecting those we care about, not threatening them.

    Most vulnerable people try to keep that fact hidden. Protecting the fact that they are vulnerable is a part of their coping with vulnerability. They don’t want others aware that they are vulnerable. The last thing we want to do is expose their vulnerability or their retardation. They will lash out to protect both.

    My suggestion is to counsel, participate in a recovery group, do objective, rational research, and protect parents from assault, even our own.

    Gary Busselman, March 30, 2002 Sioux Falls, South Dakota

    Comments please . . .

  • Ranchette
    Ranchette

    Thanks for sharing this.

    Your story is so familiar to me.
    I had lost of questions as a teenager and I would be accused of not having enough faith or having a rebellious attitute that could lead to apostacy.

    The fear and shame would shut me up for awhile until I just quit thinking for many years.

    When your parents use that word "truth" so much you tend to believe they are genuinly interested in it.
    When you dare to question or share information you find that they are really afraid of the "truth" and would rather live in a fantasy that they just label as truth.

    When you finally start the journey towards answering these questions that have plagued you for years you've inadvertantly started something else in motion at the same time.
    The begining of the end of relationships with JW family and friends.

    This is so sad and painful.

    It is true as you mentioned that they feel vulnerable and believe you are trying to take something away from them.

    My mom claims that I am trying to destroy her faith and hope.

    I don't know how to avoid these tragedies I just want you to know that there are many of us just like you going through this stuff.

    Ranchette

  • Sam Beli
    Sam Beli

    Gary, at what stage of life did your parents become JWs, if I may ask?

    Sam Beli

    I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind. What is crooked cannot be straightened and what is lacking cannot be counted. Solomon

  • singsongboi
    singsongboi

    gary, i think u have seen the truth of the problem>.....

    in my experience inside the org. most witnesses do not fully understand the supporting reasons for beliefs.

    i.e. most witnesses know the witness view of 1914 --- but, ask them to prove, (without a text book) how that date is arrived at, and they will not be able to do that.

    during my time there i spoke to many so-called 'opposed' husbands, and found that the basis, for the label 'opposed', was the inability of their wives to explain (and prove) their beliefs.

    one poor guy, who i think was genuinely trying to understand what his wife was on about, told me that everytime he asked her to explain something, she would start yelling that he was persecuting her.

    it's tough for people without much formal education to understand 'reasoning' processes --- and that, i think, is the biggest failure of the jws. --- they are afraid to teach 'logic' etc because they know that in the process, the 'can of worms' would explode.

    so the WTS is content to have a membership with a low level of education, rather than to face the tough rigors of intellectual questioning from it's members.

  • garybuss
    garybuss

    My father was born in 1920, and his mother was a Bible Student. He was raised to put his faith in the Corporation and was baptized in 1935. He has put the Corporation first with everything else second all his life.

    I walked away when I was 30 as a disillusioned and confused and questioning believer.

    My problems with relationships didn't start till I started asking direct hard questions and then started to share my answers.

    I was shocked at the violent responce I got.

    gb

  • Francois
    Francois

    The organization of Jehovah's Witnesses is utterly dysfunctional, and it attracts PEOPLE who are dysfunctional. Your family is dysfunctional, as is mine.

    When what should be a calm, rational discussion turns into an emotional confrontation, you can bet your last dime that the discussion, in the minds of your parents in this case, is now about THEM. You were about to pull the security blanket out from under their feet, and they couldn't tolerate that.

    I've had similiar experiences in my family. I could never, still can't, tell my father something he doesn't want to hear. He's a child, 81 going on 4; stuck with the emotional makeup of a toddler. And I think you'll find that true of ALL Jehovah's Witnesses: emotional midgets.

    The only way - or at least a rational way - to deal with this situation is to give up your hopes of having a normal family. All children of abuse (of whatever kind) long for the day when the scales will fall from the eyes of their parents and a loving, supportive family will emerge. It never happens. The "love" of the parents in a dysfunctional family is always conditional, unlike the true meaning of agape, which of course is love unconditional.

    Frank Tyrrell
    Savannah, GA
    57 years old, with all hope extingushed.

  • plmkrzy
    plmkrzy

    garybuss
    As long as there is a breath in you it is never too late.

    That word "disfunctional" is just exactly that. A "word"

    A lot of people use it in audiences of shows like "Jerry Springer" when their pointing fingers.
    It's a finger pointing blaming word and none of us have to Live by that as long as we have a few functioning brain cells.

    You can work on being the best person YOU can be and stop attracting needy people.
    It doesn't happen easy or over night but it does happen if you want it enough.

    Don't give up.

  • garybuss
    garybuss

    plmkrzy you wrote: <garybuss
    As long as there is a breath in you it is never too late.>

    Please explain . . . never too late for what?

    Frank, Appreciate your comments. Thanks!

    singsongboi, Sam and Ranchette, thanks for your replies and comments.

    gb

  • Sam Beli
    Sam Beli

    Gary, I can empathize with you. My dad was born a little earlier than yours, his mother was also a ‘Bible Student.” His grandmother was a devout follower of Russell and claimed to be of the "“anointed."

    Like your dad, mine can not carry on an honest conversation about the JWs or any other subject, really. I envy those with a good relationship with their parents; mine have done little to earn respect. Even as I approach old age my parents want to tell me how to conduct my life, especially the religious part.

    Sam Beli

    I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind. What is crooked cannot be straightened and what is lacking cannot be counted. Solomon

  • garybuss
    garybuss

    Sam, Is it your opinion that the whole idea of confrontation with relatives needs to be avoided to maintain rapport?

    Is rapport more important than trying to inform them that they are deluded?

    I had a bad connection with them . . . now there is none at all.

    I did not know how happy my parents were to stay ignorant. Nor did I know how insecure they were in their beliefs. Plus, I had grossly underestimated the force of their reaction. I now know they did not mean it when they told me to bring my questions to them. That was just Watch Tower Corporation doctrine.

    I feel like I was set up. :o)

    gb

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