I'm 19, and I'm still currently a JW. I guess I'm a born-in, or whatever you guys call it. I've had some serious issues with the faith at the moment, and sexuality is a huge part. All of my immediate family are JW's, and my brother and father are Elders. I have had doubts about my faith since I was 10-11, but I thought that maybe deeper research would cure me of these doubts. Instead, they've intensified. Since I was 15, I have been going to meetings and literally telling myself "OK, now don't poke holes. That isn't nice or proper of you". I'm tired of feeling this way. Every question is greeted with a circular answer, or a cop out excuse. Every action is examined closely - no matter whether there was an alterior motive or not.
I am gay. I know many people here aren't accepting of this, but I am not looking for your acceptance, but moreso your understanding.
My personal experiences with the WT and my sexuality are conflicting, illogical and flat out cruel and hateful. Words cannot describe how much I hate the artcile on JW.org about 'avoiding homosexuality'. I don't understand how the branch can be so willfully ignorant and hateful saying absurd things as "Masturbation leads to homosexuality" or degrading things such as equating homosexuality to pedophelia. The WT says they aren't homophobic, but with attitudes and information like this, how are they not? How come when I express feelings to the brothers about 'getting better' (hah!) I'm viewed as a spiritually weak pariah? Why is the fact that I disagree and think being gay isn't a choice, I'm viewed as an apostate? They juxtapose gender identity, masculinity, and sexuality with intercourse. So many JW's use very unkind expressions and words about gays, it frustrates, saddens and sickens me. I have prayed so hard to god to help me with this "sin" - only to be rewarded with a sickening sense of low self worth because you like the same sex and there's no way to stop. Homosexuality is defined as being attracted to one of the same sex. How do I avoid this? It makes no sense! They say 'it's OK to be gay' - sort of (You can have homosexual 'urges' so long as you don't act upon them) but not only do you have to walk around self loathing and unhappy, but you can be disfellowshipped for talking about how you feel about a person or your sexuality (something you expressed in your videos). It makes no sense. I'm "allowed" to have these feelings, but when I want to acknowledge them (not act on them, there's a difference) there's something seriously wrong? I personally remember a recent CO saying "In my day, they stayed IN the closet!"
I remember a close friend of the family say that skinny jeans for men are a ploy of Satan, because they look 'gay', and because of this the Devil is laughing at them.
You do not understand how depressing this is - I literally wanted to kill myself. I thought how easy it would be, maybe some morbid hope that I would be 'fixed' in the new system (another doctrine that makes little sense and flys in the face of logic and science). You don't understand why people keep asking "when are you getting married" or "don't you think sister so and so is cute?" and you have no attraction to them.
When I was in school, I went to school with a few other JW kids. I always felt like I was being spied on because they thought I was too 'worldly' even though I really didn't do anything. I didn't have sex, I wasn't hanging around kids outside of school, nothing.
Well, somehow, (still not sure where this came from) two of the witness kids told my dad that they "Saw" me go in to the bathroom at school to have sex with another man. Keep in mind my dad is an Elder.
For starters at first I was mortified, how someone I trusted could tell such a boldfaced lie; if it was a rumour, or even if you had seen me screwing some dude with your own two eyes, why didn't you ask me about it?
fter I (of course) denied it, the next conversation still makes me saddened and irritated
They talked about my sexuality. They asked me if I wanted to be gay (and of course, I said no), then they read some scriptures about what the bible says about Homosexuality. Of course, they harped on how 'disgusting' it is, and they even went on to explain how 'homosexuals' have intercourse (I was 16 at the time....how sex happens was not a new) I hated myself. I thought I was disgusting. They told me that homosexuals 'act a certain way' (a statement that didn't sit well with my mother) and because they think I have tendencies towards 'acting that way' I need to change my ways to not 'act that way'. Ain't that some shit? I feel as if why do I have these urges? Why do I exist only to be hated by god? Why do you go out of your way to let me know that I will be 'destroyed' at Armageddon?
I started doing research, and praying, but it doesn't really actually help. The praying instills a sense of inadequacy when you still persist in these feelings after you pray earnestly for those feelings to leave. The research is circular and woefully stereotypical and slanted - they confuse sexuality, gender identity, masculinity/femininity, and intercourse so many times. They insinuate that because you're gay, you want to be a woman.
I have never wanted to be a woman.
To top it off, two elders took a screenshot of my Youtube page (not this one, and the other one I had didn't even have any videos uploaded). I had watched a video in my history that had Harry Potter in it, and the channel's name was "Faggotron".
I actually laughed that time, but they were dead serious. They actually thought I was gay and into witchcraft.
Then, people spied on my Facebook, I had a joke picrture of me in a wig (the wig is backwards) of course - "How does that look to the outside world?" "Doesn't that make you look....that way (gay)"?
There's so much more I can go on about.
I want to leave, but I don't know how. I have a decent job, but because moving out is strongly discouraged, I fear I will have to DA - and lose everyone I know will never talk to me again.