It has been a long time since i was on here and life has gone many different ways since then. Been married and getting divorced, and now have a son. Life has not been kind to me since i have left the org. My lack of skills relating to people sucks ass. When I do start a relationship I am constantly taken advantage of being that i have such a desire to feel love and friendship being that i had lost everything when i left.
I was dating a girl recently and I really fucked it up i think. I was feeling so alone and like such a island in the sea of humanity that I immedatly latched onto her and maybe smothered that relationship. We dated for about 5 months and basicly lived together from about 2 weeks into our relationship. didn't intend it to be that way but we spent so much exclusive time together that it kinda just happened. I gave my all to this woman i treated her like a princess and was very loving to her and her childern. About the begining of december she went with some friends to Chicago to see a weekend concert and things were never the same since. I didn't try to hold her back from going or anything but when she came back she seemed to keep a distance from me. This continued up through the holidays we had made plans to be with her family for xmas being that i am the only one outside of my childern in my family who celebrates. About 2 days before Christmas she told me being that i had my son we needed to not come to her mom and dads. She knew that i had him when we made plans but hey i adapted. So Christmas was very lonely. About 2 days later she tells me we need to talk. She proceeds to tell me that I need to move out and that she needs her space back but she did not want to break up. I didn't argue so i started looking imediatly and found something within a few days. I had not moved out yet by the time New years came around. I figured that i would spend New Years eve with the woman who said she loves me but I was wrong again. She went with her kids to a event downtown but ended up leaving early. She did not want to come home to me though to celebrate she decided to go to a friends instead. This deeply hurt me but i kept it to myself. I finally got into my new house on jan 5th and was hoping that this would make things better between us but it was rocky. I had asked her shortly after i had moved out if she would spend my birthday with me on jan 13th and she said she would. I ended up calling her the day before to see what we were going to do she asked me what time i was coming over i told her 5:30pm she then tells me she had made plans with a friend for 7 so that was not going to work out. I was floored and deeply hurt. She said i could come over at 8:30 if i wanted to. I told her i would as i was holding back my tears. She knew i was deeply upset. THe next day she ended up canceling her plans with that friend but never informed me of it. When i called her at 8:15 to tell her i was on my way she tells me she was heading off to bed as she was not feeling real well but i could still come over and spend the night. I was stunned......... I went there and felt like i was a lepper she barely even hugged me. The next day i could not take it anymore the pain of being shut out overwhelmed me and i broke off our relationship or what was left of it.
I am sitting here today so down and depressed trying to figure my life out. It sucks to realize i have no one there for me. I have 2 friends in this whole world and one of those has not talked to me in months even though i have tried to contact him many times. The other one is his sister who just so happened to confess her adoration of me in a romantic way on tuesday so that situation i am trying to sift through. There is so much and my head is spinning. I have hit the local bar hard this week geting drunk every night to try to dull all of this madness but it has not helped. I need someone to talk to someone who understands this tormented life i live.