For those of you who were die hard JW's, did you ever think... (page 2)

I used to get acute twinges of fear and lonelyness whenever I thought about my future. I was a pioneer, went to bethel etc. But deep dowm I knew I would be out one day and the idea scared me to death, I never dwelt on it for more than 3 seconds at a time. Had too much to lose.

I remember an elder saying to me when I was deeply in, heavily used etc... "You'll leave one day.." i couldnt get over how he had known my secret fear, how could he possibly know? Now I think he was throwing a random demeaning comment out at someone he felt threatened by. I was always conscious that the JWs always said "its always the ones that do fantastic answers and talks that go..." I was always complimented on my talks and perspective in answers. Whenever I heard it, that feeling would strike as quickly as it left... Knowing that would one day, for some reason, it would be me.

i dont think it is intelligence or forseight, i think i merely knew i had 2 decades of legitimate theological and logical issues and one day I would have to face them, I also had an awareness for how the life around me didnt match the life described and prayed for. Paticularly my lack of desire for armageddon and my interest in people, i love people, their stories, their families, their lives.... I didnt want the people in the supermarket, music concert, football stadium, on the beach, walking in the mountains to die.

Lastly (sorry for waffling) I always had a strange sense that took me years to decode. Whenever I was before nature and beauty I felt a portion of the awe missing, like i was only enjoying it 85% for some reason. I knew there was a deep held seat of dissapointment and I didnt know what it was. We were brought up to believe that humans wanted to live forever, this I found didnt describe me exactly. Yes i didnt want to die, but there seemed some lack of appreciation and value to have life infinity. I was reading The Beach by Alex Garland in my teens and it I found the answer to years of this strange pang when i saw beauty in nature etc, Garland described the innate acceptance of our limited lifespan when looking upon a mountain or ...a beach, when we look we are in awe... We see millenia of time in construction before us and that feeling I was having was a recognition of my mortal , insignificance. This was a big thing for me. This was my missing 15% of 'joy' in nature etc. I was so happy to have that feeling communicated verbally... It also cemented my doubts about humans KNOWING they were meant to live forever. Cats dont want to die either, try throwing one out a helicopter.... But do the JWs conclude that cats will live forever? (Maybe Russell and his pyramid fix would)

It feel so good to be out, especially with such a good life around me. It isnt as bad as you think.... Though it is not easy to leave initially, I would never encourage anyone to stay... Ever.

Snare x

cobaltcupcake

Never.

For those of you who were die hard JW's, did you ever think...

smiddy

snare&racket

cobaltcupcake

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