Oxy-Delirious Fly-on-ear ( Part II)
By Hairtrigger
Now both these ladies are jaw-droppin beauties. But Denise Milton? She be everyone’s dream girl- by several streets. She sumpthin’ else. No gal in a congregation within a hundred mile could match her fer what she got . Most of em eligible brothers, be they dancin’ 25 or pereshin’ 55 , was enamored of her. You know what I mean. She is about 5’7’’, auburn hair, hazel eyes, smooth creamy pink skin. Perfect slim legs and matching slender body attraction. Her fixins is rock star state o’ the art ! She has a new one for every meeting. I’d never seen her repeat an apparel in twelve month. Must have a wardrobe the length of a football field. She work at the library downtown. Anyways.
“Me ‘n Joan were mozeyin along the West side o street when Joan sez ” Howdy Matt Watters. How come we didn’t see you at the Hamilton’s baby shower? What are you hiding ? The heart that’s quietly pining for that girl from Ipanema?”
“I didn’t get ya.What are ya talkin about Joan? Jazz standards?” Was my brow- puckered comeback.
“ The companion I was just with.” Said with a twinkle in ‘er eye and just a hint of a sly smile.
An alarm bell went off ‘n my head. “ Me and Denise? Are you serious? And why would you think that?” I decided to give nonchalance a try. Make no mistake. I was some rattled by her astute nailin of the inner workin’ of my tick-tock. Damn! Was she….
“ Don’t you know? You wear it on your face when she talks to you. Like, about five others I could name.”
She smiled looking at me with those twinkling eyes. I dropped mine hastily. That sunset I spoke of earlier on McDorf . It just landed on my collar and gills. How ‘n heck did this woman guess? That’s just a rhetorical question. Don’t bother lookin for answers. Joan’s studyin to be a clinical psychologist.
“Do you know what you are sayin? Stop. Are you crazy ?” My voice sounded hoarse to my ears. I couldn’t think clearly. Desperately racked my mind for a fib or a fake to get this ….this…female hound dog off my trail. I aughtta have known better.
“ Yes . And there might be an iota of truth in the latter, but that’s neither here nor there. What is here though, is you. And what is there, is what you’d like to pursue. So what yu gonna do about it? Let the relic in blue, collar yon rhapsody in green?.” Denise was wearing a coat of many colors, mainly yellows, beige and olive over a turquoise dress that made her look like my heart was tobboganin clean outta my chest.
“You know something Miss. I ain’t listening to this.” You can’t say I didn’t try stiffness. I did. Looked her in the eye for a second and duck them quickly. Dang!
“ Don’t ‘miss’ me sweetness. If McLovin there does any more Mcdovin with your heart’s secret, he’ll have lassoed, hogtied and branded your tealed tenderness; hot roddin her in his McCaddy to a sugar McDaddy honeymoon. Then you’ll be ‘miss’-ing her. Happily ever after!” Joan has a way of makin sarcastic sound like an uppercut in a velvet gift wrap. She never done raise her voice but alternates between soft and a half whisper.
You gonna get yourself ‘n me dis-fellowshipped. That is a heck of a rumor to spread. Just plain loose talk. Yua need to hitch that tongue of yourn .What does the bible say? Words are like arrows. Once released they can’t be gotten back.” Hoping to shock her outta the topic.
“Interesting. Where exactly, in the bible, does it say that?”
“I think psalms or proverbs.”
“ I said ,and, I quote, ’where exactly’? Do you want me to repeat?”
I just gave you the nam…’
Specifics please . Chapter and verse. Not vague generalizations”.
“ Ummmn..I don’t remember offhand. I’ll look it up. But that’s ain’t the point”
“Typical. O.K. till you find that nonexistent verse, what is your point?”
“ That we just can’t add and subtract people from random other people. That man a special pioneer. Firm in the truth. He bin in the congregation two year now and we jest can’t go around spreadin unsubstantiated . He , beyond reproach. His behavior, incorruptible. We just can’t accuse him of shinin up to any girl in the congregation. Without evidence.” There! The high moral ground. Works every time.
“It’s me making the “accusations” here, so there is no ‘we’. My testimony is based on unmitigated circumstantial evidence, which could be corroborated by upstanding members of this congregation. Whose reputations are without blush or blemish.” Stylish, cool ‘n calm voiced, this gal could pass for a successful attorney. Not one to give up easily, I harried the bone.
“ You a lawyer now? What happened to circumstantial don’t stand up in court.”
“We are JW’s not ‘english’. We have jc’s not courts. We have ‘two witnesses’; not ‘beyond a reasonable doubt. We have each- man –for- himself, not defense attorney’s . That circumstantial enough for you?” She had quizzical flashing in those eyes now.
“ O.K. give me the circumstantial. Give me the facts. Blush and blemish don’matter.”
“ Not so fast Matt Watters. That would be compromising a lot of people’s confidence.”
“ That ain’t confidence. That just gossip. If’n you can’t or won’t say then its slander.”
“ I won’t tell….”
“ Ha! Slander it is then.”
“…Pleading the fifth.”
I searched desperately for a plea bargain against her constitutional right but found none. I had no argument left. I changed the topic.
“Whats gotten into you? And McDorf doesn’t look half as old as you make him out to be. He looks 30-ish.”
No he doesn’t. Maybe there was a time when he did. Hmmm..when the light is dim.. maybe. But take a gander at his hide in the sun, and you’d see he’s been left out too long in it.
“ You in love with him? Is this what this is all about.”
She sighed heavily and followed it with ,” That is Pure Genius. The way you solve the mysteries of my heart. It was a nightmare trying to figure who my feelings were pointed toward. Now that you’ve unraveled it, I can sleep easy at night. But wait. I can’t . He is chasing Milton. How do I get him to look at me. Got it . Get you to steal Milton away from him and then we can all live happily ever after. That’s what this is all about. You nailed it Dr. Freud.”
“ Is there somethin’ beside cynical, critical, derisive and mocking in your rumor? . Add acrimonious. Why?”
“Perspicacious sweetie. That’s the word you are looking for. So whatcha gonna do. Tell on me to the elders. Turn me in; as causing dissention in the congregation….and honey that isn’t a rumor you’re hearing. It’s a tell tale heart vibrating your vocal chords. To speak up! You want to take my …no…. let me rephrase…Take my advice. Tell her!!
“You need ta see a shrink. Believe me.” Exasperation colored my voice.
“The shrink’s already okayed the advise. Believe me.”
“You crazy”. I threw my hands into the air for effect.
“You said that. Earlier. The shrink definitely did not. And he should know.”
“Maybe you oughta change your shrink. Can’t he see you pluckin straws out of ya hair yet ?”.
“Not yet sweetie. But errr..how are you gonna deal with idiot sticking outta yours?” She went in for the finger crooking on the word.
“Don’t look but, Cupid’s got skewered shafts stickin on yer braids now. Watch ya gonna do with ‘em?” I ventured hoping I had put a lid on her with that one.
“ Use the burntwood to build a trellis. To your lady’s boudoir window!
“ I ain’t listenin to this no more.”
“You keep repeating that line . Having trouble memorizing it?”
“ No And Really! Cliches from 16th century melodrama?
“O.K I take that back. A bridge from a Shrinking violet to an Ice Queen then. And it’s 17th century my dear doctorate in Literature!”
“Yuk ! 20th century Brit. clichés now? You’ve gotta do bettern that “
“ How about a Mousy DoorMatt for the Mystic Majesty. To wipe her feet on?”
So you outta compliments. We doin insults now.
“ Compliments coming up ….. hmmmmn …lets see: Chicken Little to Heartbreak Hotel. Mighty Mouse to Magnificent Millie. Washy Wallflower to Wishy Woman. Courage-of-a-collard to McPapa -got-my-gal. Pick one”. Matter o’ fact and totally even voiced.
“You are definitely troubled….”
“Talk for yourself Muddy Watters !. In deep. And on the wrong side . You ‘can’t cross the river if you don’t swim the tide’. Build a jet ski. Get to the other side before McUncle grabs the MiltMaid. Unless you like the Blues !” Jeez ! This girl could sound like an angel while performing that clinically abrasive psychological procedure.
“ I’m indigo already. Proceeding to deep purple.”I was ready to give up now. Didn’t know what to say next.
She goes sing song here, “Pity your hue don’t match her view. She’s got Romance. Spence McDorf sun settin at the Milton’s porch .Read, your boulevard of broken dreams. If Perseus don’t hustle, the sea monster’s going to get the virgin.” Can you believe it.
“You don’t hafta mythologize those figments of your imagination.”
“ Right. No special effects. It’s a three-D romantic chiller already. Sorry.” That ‘sorry’ sounded like sarcasm dripping maple honey.”
“ Is that your professional opinion or just random shots at people’s reputations. And never mind who gets hurt. Anyway, why do you care so much ? Even if it’s true.
“ You’re right. It isn’t my funeral.”
“ You mean it ain’t your business”.
“ ‘Ain’t’ my business . True again.”
“ If’n two people are involved in a transfer of affection well….. let sleepin’ dogs lie.”
“ Right third time in a row. Strike three for you Joan Seymour. Yu are out. No more pursuing Mc Dorfian dreams. Oh by the way bro. Watters. Do you mean that bit about ‘sleeping dogs’ as an analogy , or is that an innuendo condoning an adulterous relationship?”
“Sarcastic soliloquy- isms aside , you seem to take delight in puttin words in my mouth with your worldly double talk and inappropriate meanings.”
“ Oh. I apologize. I can see it’s killing you. Should I let her know when you are dead?”
“ Sure. I’ll hold my breath. In anticipation of bouquets on my grave. Should I ask for white roses or lilies“.
“What? While a drooping dandelion wilts within…,”
“ I have to be compar……”
“ …having fought Venusians battle while displaying the guts of a withered Dalia?”
“ We are supposed to be doing field service not talkin bilgewater.” I know yu can’t get into a verbal duel with this soft and deceptively sweet voiced girl. Not if you want to come out smellin fresh on the other side. So I tried to get her thinking in another direction.
She came back with,“ I am honey. I am doing field service. I volunteered. Auxiliary pioneer this month.”
“ Accidental misnomer gal. Yours should be an-oxy-delirious fly-on-ear. Don’t exert yourself princess. Take it easy. At this rate you just might make special pioneer.”
“ Don’t worry about me handsome. Your lady love is making one right now. If you continue careless , they might just end with making out.” Remember. You can’t get into a verbal duel with this lady.
“ Please! Your remarks are atrociously out-of-wack. Totally un JW’es .I’m shocked by your totally unfounded, unsubstantiated and deplorable accusation of inappropriate behavior on the part of Bro. McDorf and Denise. Abominable JW example of “do not be quick with your mouth or let your heart speak harshly….” I tried to bring back reason and JW conventions into the conversations. .
“Bro. Eccleasiastes 5.2! You are speaking to me, not your heart throb. Cut out the big words. I’m trying to have a conversation, not listen to a public talk . ‘Shocked’ did you say? Yup. You are. Your hair’s standing on end.
Must be from the static from your tongue “
“ Is that what electrified your courage. No. I can’t take credit for that. You’ve done that admirably on your own braveheart.”
“ That tongue of yours is gonna get you in trouble someday. And me too for listening to it.”
“ Your heart has already done that to you sweetie. Faint hearted Watters trying for a prime elders daughter. Dame Minton’s got a beau. Shaking Watters with the courage of fondue. That’s a kicker!!”
I Repeat. You can’t get into a verbal duel with this lady.
Joan would pass for Denise’s cousin; or twin even, if you were willing to stretch a point or two . Exact same model, both of them. Same height build, weight etc. . Except for their minds. Joan’s was like a fly trap when she got going. Most guys were scared of her. Not that she was mean or stuck up but sharp . Razor tongue and brain. Trouble is yu don't feel the razor when she uses the voice. Not until later. Know what I mean? Nobody wanted to match wits with her. But she was friends with me. Most times. When she didn’t leave me feeling like I’d been through a car wash. What do you expect, her studyin to be a clinical psychologist n’ all. Twin Rolls Royces the two of them, except that Joan was a little more Rolls and Denise a lot more Royce!
We were an assortment of young men in our hall ; all in their early or mid-twenties. And quite a few good lookin’ sisters; with about four or five potential 45+ spinsters-till- death-do -em -part . But nobody was getting’ married anytime soon. Cause Denise wasn’t pickin. Nary a one. Every man-jack of ‘em was hopin he had a chanct with Denise. You never heard so many of them cackle like tickled hens whenever Denise made a joke. You’d think they was a gold nugget on the floor when Denise dropped her bible or song book. The way them navy seals would dive to retrieve it. You never seen so many spend so much time grooming themselves when there was a get-together or a baby shower. At her place or someone else’s. One guy – call him Blade Runner - would shave three times if there was a party at her house . And end up looking like Edward Scissorshand with about 54 band aids on his face. Some sisters even thought of bidding for this newly sewn quilt. Then there was thrift shop Johnny who would shop for hours to get himself an outfit from the seconds store just for the get together. He’d pick pants that had hems two inches higher than where his socks entered in his shoes. Then he would hang on those pants till they went down to cover his socks. Then his underwear would be pop out with a part of his rear in it. Hanging precariously on his belt. And all them girls would havta turn their faces away. Till some kindly brother drew discreet attention to the peek-a-boo under ’n over .
The colognes that stunk up the rooms? It was a somatic cell nuclear transfer. If you were perfume intolerant , you would pass out; never mind the societies directive on being mindful of people with allergies to overpowering odors. Her place was a more potent draw for them title contenders, than the best little whorehouse in Texas . Needless to say, I, was one of the them. But I knew I only had an outside chance ,with all this audio - visual/sensual competition; not bein the one with the Brad Pitt look or the Bill Maher wit. But I did love her to an Apoplectic damnation! So did the others !
You never seen so many brothers fight for microphone privilege durin a meetin . In fact two of em quit talkin to each other, after one tony winning performance. It all happened one Sunday; about 15 month back. This bro., call him Bob Ruark, come to the hall early, hooks up the sound system, stage manage the podium and props, get the microphones ready and is obviously sittin pretty. Waitin for the curtains to rise. That is, the Watch tower study start. To take the tiara to the queen. This, 30 minutes before the meetin. Then holi -capolli ! In walk Tony Riddler , the designated mike carrier for the day. He thirty minutes late. The speaker almost finishin’ his fiddlin-on-the-roof and the dawdler, without much as a how-do-yu-do, picks up the gauntlet and parks himself on the mike handlers chair closest to the Milton’s side of the hall. Ruark jumps up and quick steps up to Riddler’s chair and the duo start a duet in careless whispers. McDorf turns around . He sittin’ just behind the Milton’s and on hearin’ them breaking bad, gets up from his seat to come arbitrate. Riddler wins the favor and Ruark’s back twiddlin sound controls, afumin’. Cuss ringbolts spout their way through his hair. Black clouds mass above his head. The meetin’s finishes and within minutes Ruark gets done tidyin up and strides up to Riddler; and the upshot is, come-outside- n- we’ll setle-it - talk. The time? 12:23 p.m. N’ things are hottin’up for a high noon showdown in this balliwick.
“C’mon dingleberry I’m agoin ta knock stupid outta ya ”, is Ruark’s idea of a final peace offering as he lays ‘er down on his table of compromise. Meanwhile, as is their custom after every meetin’, the villagers are jawin’ outta the one side o’ their mouth. The side full ‘a gossip. On hearin Ruark’s battle cry , everybody and his uncle turn the other cheek . They stop doin’ the dirt on their fellow man. This, here now breakin news gits their attention. Conversation ceases. The silence, as them educated people like to call it, palpable.
“ Ya sure bout that . Lets find out”, is Riddler’s diplomatic counter offer and they both storm out . The stunned hush among the general population which follows these announcements, cancels any chance of statesmanship or negotiation on the part of the U.N Peacekeepers. No one moves for about 20 seconds. And that is the difference between armed conflict and a peaceful resolution along the 38th parallel. Minus five. The warriors storm out , eager for battle, girding their loins as it were to slay the philistine.
Now I gotta hold them horses up a bit to paint a clear picture o’ some of the citizens that occupied this metropolis. Give you a flashback, if’n ya know what I mean. Cause’ what unfolds in the next couple o hours ties in closely with what I’m about to tell ya. So yu uns at JWN could unerstan’ how this here sit com won a tony. Now if you’d care ta go git yerselves a six-pack n follow closely. Make sure them beers be cold. Ice cold sos’n yu get a sober look at the cirque de soliel’, happenin in our neck o the woods. Thank ya kindly.
…to be continued.