I stopped going to meetings in 2005, as designated by my JWN member date. Since then, off and on, I have had marital problems. Sometimes I posted about it here. Most times not. The other day we had an argument and my wife told me that sometimes she doesn't feel like she loves me.
She talked about how I can be critical and impatient with her, and she's right. I'm on edge a lot, and pick on little things she does, like when she leaves doors open for flies to come in the house, loses the car keys, etc.
Other times I get frustrated with her based on the many negative things she says, like being fat (in reality she's not fat, never has been fat, and never will be fat), undermining her own confidence at work (she's totally competent and excells at everything), or undervaluing the time we share once we finally have it. It's frustrating, because I've heard these types of things for the entire ten years we've been married and no matter how much positive reinforcement I give her, it never seems to make a difference. And when I ignore her comments along these lines, when she starts getting negative, she accuses me of not listening to her and not caring. She's right, because I've said the same things to her for 10 years. She's like a friend who is never quite happy with herself and can only talk about that.
So the other day we were arguing about these sorts of things and I said a few things very strongly, very bluntly, but not mean-spirited. That's when she broke down crying and told me about sometimes not loving me, and not knowing if we were going to make it. I've heard it before, at least a few times, starting the year I stopped going to meetings. Then she starts talking about feeling lonely, alienated, since she feels strongest and happiest when she's trying to be an active JW and that's when she feels furthest from me... all the things that believing spouses tell their non-believing spouses, and things which I'm sure many people here have heard.
We've recently moved back to our hometown, and so there's lots of friends she knows and nearly everyone is in The Truth(TM). I've successfully faded this entire time, so I hang out with them when the occasion arises, avoid the elders, and avoid conversations to the effect of "when are you going to start coming back to the meetings"? (I stare off blankly and change the topic.). For the past year I've been a stay-at-home dad, supporting her going to work, and taking care of our daughter. I've done about 600 tubs fulls of dishes, and at least twice as many diaper changes. I stay home, workout, brew beer, make dinner, and play with my daughter.
It's ironic, because I've obviously been alienated as well, and to a seemingly greater degree than her, since I'm the one not going to meetings. But she feels alienated due to her lack of a meetings-going husband, and the fact that with the limited time she has with me and our daughter, she really has no time to go to the meetings. I'm saddened that, after about seven years of me being inactive, she aparently still gets caught up in the image of a JW husband, because it's something we both know I can never be.
We have a beautiful 27-month old daughter now. Nothing gets easier or less complicated. About five years ago she told me many of these same things, and the pain of leaving each other was too great for me to consider. Now, just imagining being away from my baby girl is something I simply can't handle. But it's there.
We've lasted ten years, and just celebrated our tenth anniversary. We're happy most of the time, or at least I am. I don't know anymore if she's as happy as me. I don't know if how we are now is as good as we can get. I don't know how much I'll be able to change, and if it's enough change for her to feel like she loves me all the time, and not just sometimes. I don't know how much pain can exist between us until it's greater than the pain of knowing our daughter will grow up without her father. I don't know how or when I can feel intimately in love with her again since she's said these things, because although I've heard them before, this is the first time I'm starting to take them to heart.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I guess I'm just asking for some input or encouragement... I haven't talked about this with anyone so maybe I just needed to get it out.