Hello for all. I am new here as a member who posts. I am a 18 years old boy, born in, baptized. I read regularly the posts here on JWN. It helped me a lot to make sure that Jehovah didn`t choose Stephen Lett and his pals in order to lead me. It was the end of the last summer when I came to this conclusion. I still attend to the meetings and go in field service because don`t want to hurt my parents. So sometimes the meetings do their jobs very well and then I feel not that uncertain/unsure. I never thought that after reading so many so called "apostate material" sometimes I still doubt my doubts. Ok, this was the introduction part, it doesn`t matter that much.
In addition: since I found out that the New World will never ever come, I will get old and die like my grandparents, that I will have to attend my parents funeral, that I will never meet again with the persons I lost or will lose, these were shocking things. I really believed everything. I have been a regular pioneer for 1 year 5 months. I had a lot duty, interviews etc. I had the respect of other jw teens, youngs, even the respect of the old ones.. just like most of you had. So it meant my life, it was my life. But I woke up thanks to JWN, jw-facts, and other sites.
I don`t really know yet which is worse, to be blind or to know the truth about the truth but being unable to do anything. I told dad that I no longer believe. I tried to bring up arguments but it was useless. Anyway, I am happy that I found this forum. When I feel bad I read some posts that make me laugh. Most of them do. However I noticed that people here are cynical and arrogant especially when the topic is about the elders, or the money of the WTS. I understand the sarcasm and I would lie if I said that I am different. But I can say that I had never have bad experience with the elders or other jws, and my jw mind always finds some pseudo-logical way to explain why certain things happen in that way in the org. But in the doctrinal part I found too many holes and illogical fails that I no longer believe..
A question like "How did Noah took back the polar bears to the South pole." And what drives me crazy is that when I ask myself such questions here comes my explanation: there must have been a big piece of ice that was blew away to the Red sea, then the bears "got in" and happy end. I know that the chance is less than 0.01 but i am thinking about this anyway and keep having doubts on the subject, don`t feel sure. :(
The worst is that I feel depressed, I feel like I can die in any minute. Before finding out that I`ve been misled I felt that I was immortal. Now when my mother drives the car, when she drives hundreds of miles alone, I always have the feeling that those are the last moments I spend with her, I mean the moments when I wish her a nice trip. I always remind her to fasten the seat belts. All day I am thinking about how old my parents will be in 2030 if they will be alive. I cry very often. (yeah, I am a guy, and 18). I try to think rational. Is this not true that we probably have 16000 more days in our life, or maybe less..16000 day, 384 000 hour.. it makes me so sad and desperate.
Life seems a lot of hurtful facts to me without the jw beliefs. It`s terrible. I still believe in God, I guess I do. Oh, by the way I am from Eastern Europe, from an ex-communist country. In the beginning of April i made some fun with the elders. I told the coordinator that not to forget reading the letter in 8 april about the mags and jw sites change :D They had no clue how the hell I knew such "confidential" information. I didnt get in trouble with them. In my cong they are ok. I told that I had access to the letter through a file sharing site and that maybe an ex-elder uploaded the pdf file. :D
The truth is that i would like to stand up at a meeting and start to convince them, to tell them what i have found out, I know it would be like suicide and the straight way to get disfellowshipped. I feel so sorry for my grandparents who got old with the new world hopes. I feel more sorry for my parents who are in the same situation. I feel somehow lucky, but paralyzed. I try to approach wordly people with a clear mind, because I know that they are normal. It is silly because my classmates behavior (flirt, drink, smoking, casual sex ad so on) many times still make me angry. It is silly because i want to do those things too(exceptt for smoking) but cannot due to the communism inside of `Jehovah`s organisation`.
I would like to have a girlfriend but I cant until i dont move from the country. Jw girlfriend I dont want, it is clear. The beautiful ones either get disfellowshipped for sex or dont even get beptized.. I think you know what the pattern is. In conclusion I feel worse now than when I was blind and been misled.
But feel a kind of free.. maybe the truth set me free a little bit. Thanks to you who read it.