by sacdfan 66 Replies latest social relationships
My wife was so glad when I was removed as an elder. I definitely had no time for her or family. Though the WTS stated that family comes before the cong, it actually did not. Losing the position in the organization was the best for me, though I did not see it at first. Now I spend time on the weekends with my family instead of the field ministry and shepherding calls.
I feel for you and your situation. As long as your husband is an elder, you will come after the cong.
Sacdfan,
My heart aches for you, as you and I are in the same place. Only difference is I am maried 45 years and within the last three years and I have found out things about my mate to prove that I have no place in his life. I walked out of the KH in 1984 and never went back. Hubby was removed as a elder because of his actions. He left the family put us on welfare and almost lost my home. He returned 9 month later to forgive and forget. He never forgave me on the inside, but acted out the action on the outside. 7 years ago I found out that he never put my name back of the savings account. Reason he does not trust me, second reason he claims he forgot to put me back on the account. Talks out of both sides of his mouth. He had to put me back on the account in order to get a loan for a car. That was in 2003. Even though the account is in my name I have no idea what he has in savings or checking. Mind you I have worked outside the home for over 27 years and I still work part time because I cannot make ends meet on my small Social Security check. I have to buy all the food for the house, pay all of my deductibles, optical, medicine and clothing. 3 years ago I found his Patient Advocate form and my name is not on it. I knew nothing about this form and would like to see if anyone knows when this form was created. He told me he didn't trust me and that he knows my heart. No trust no marriage. I moved my clothing and personal items out of the bedroom and now I sleep in the basement. Funny thing is the elders know how I live and they have never said a word to him. If I had known how he felt about me years ago I would have gladly left him. I have told him to file for divorce and he won't even answer. He never misses a meeting, field service, April Pioneering and makes sure he give his contribution to the hall every month. They get more from him than I do and he is what you call a triiple dipper, Pension, Social Security and a job. At 65 its hard.
Gosh Yknot - when did you get to be so wise? It's as if you were looking right inside my head.
You are right - I will be in exactly the same position this time next year or the year after - still waiting for him to say "I've arranged a trip away - just you and me, so we can talk away from the family," but it never happens - and I know deep down it never will.
As for the emotional affair, if it wasn't for the fact I was suspicious and read his skype messages, it would still have carried on - in other words he didn't stop because he realised he was being disloyal to me - it stopped because he got found out and I stopped it - and that hurt. Had he stopped it himself it woud have meant so much to me, but he didn't. He had skyped her that he could discuss things with her that he couldn't with me. On one of his messages he signed off 'You are my best friend' and that was like a knife. But I was also dealing with a load of other stuff with my sister and spookily enough it was a similar type of thing, but this involved a pioneer sister and my bil. The emailing and phoning/skyping with my husband and college girls carried on for months and each time he promised that it was finished, and the elders came round, gave him a slap on the wrist, and it carried on a shprt while until I threatened to leave. He told me I was getting things out of proportion and she was just doing the same course as he was! They are still doing the same course now (4-year part-time degree course) so he still sees her twice a week - he says they barely talk - how do I know this? It still eats away at me. My sister has completely forgiven her dope of a husband even though things had gone quite 'far' with him and pioneer lady. I have no idea why she wasn't DFd or at least marked - but no! No justice as usual
Anyway, I do love him, but not enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him. I will always make sure he is ok money-wise - I'd never let him want for anything and I'll always be here to help him - basically he is a good man but is just braanwashed and can't see it. I pray one day he will come out and realise I was right about this organisation. I don't want another relationship with another man - never again - I never looked as another man - I always remembers Job's words about making a covenant with your eyes - fat lot of good it did me. Basically I just want peace of mind - I feel I am going insane!
Thanks for caring. And sorry to ramble on and on....
tif21,
I am so sorry for your situation - I wish I could give you a hug. I really hurt inside too - in fact, since writing this post, it has made me realise how hurt I still am by his dalliances with miss college knickers - I don't even know what she looks like - but all the feelings are flooding back - and it's mainly the fact he wouldn't have stopped had I not found out - that's what hurts the most - because what would have happened had I not stopped it? Who knows? I don't even know, hand on heart, how far things went. He is supposed to be the 'Christian', the head of the household, caring fo me - what a laugh.
Is there anywhere you can go - friends, family - anywhere at all. what a scumbag to treat you like this - and you can bet the elders are all over him because, like my scumbag, he is ticking all the right boxes - meeting attendance, field service, contributions etc etc - what a croc of *h*t!! I will pray for you and hope you find somewhere safe to live - you deserve so much better.
straightshooter - you are correct - my sons tells me the same thing - it's the WT org first, elders second, bros and Sis third, and me fourth (at a pinch)
Sacdfan,
I've sent you a couple more PMs in response to the one you sent me.
Dump the piece of shit. I take it your kids are out of the house by now? I would simply say: this isn't working anymore and leave his behind. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I personally no longer believe in long-term relationships if you are feeling miserable in them.
His primary concern is da troof and there is nothing you'll be able to do about it. He's lying, cheating, a true JW spouse (trust me, I've had 2) but whenever you do something wrong you end up talking to the elders about it. You're too good for him and I've made the same mistakes, I overstayed, tried to fix things, as long as you're out of the JW, you're out of any JW member's love. Same happened with my spouse, I told her I wanted to stop going to the KH, the next thing she was packing up her stuff and kidnapped my child.
The only reason he's not letting the elders know about you is because he himself wants to maintain his position (being exemplary) and he's lying to them about it as well. ALL men in a JW position do that I've noticed. I've been protected from DF/DA because of someone else's position.
okay so let me get this straight.....
You earn more, pay majority of the bills...
He been working toward degree for 3 yrs......almost graduating
Seeing girl on campus....
OH HELLLZ NO!
The evidence is there if you look for it..... GET TO A LAWYER STAT!!!!
(curious is she studying with a JW?...... have you verified those ' dubbie-jobs for kh, co, territory' cuz they perfect cover for unfaithfulness )
Sacdfan,
Thanks for your reply. Can I ask if your name is on your husbands patient advocate form? I will leave when my elderly parent who lives with me passes. I have asked her if she would go with me and she said this is my home. I know that if I take her out of this house she would die of a broken heart she will be 90 years old this year and is not in good health.
You are young and can make a life for yourself. It's hard to live everyday knowing that you are not really a marriage mate. This religion is a joke and teaches hate. Don't let your husband use you like I continue to be used. It's hard to live with someone who does not trust you and treats you like shit. I have asked him more than once for a divorce, but if that were to happen he would loose his priviledges in the org. So the hell he has created for me to live in is the same hell he lives in. I don't know how these men can go to meetings and door to door knowing how we are treated. They are Brain Dead.
Anonymous - good point about him wanting to mantain his position - I have no idea what he tells elders about me. I am also certain that the women (I don't call them sisters - they're not my sisters) in the k hall gossip about me because I get some funny looks when they pass me.
Yknot - he had to go to college to retrain as there wasn't a lot of work in the building field when the rot set into property and construction - as long as the evening classes didn't interfere with meetings the elders were ok with it- and little miss college student isn't a JW but he tried to get her to have a study, apparently. They still see each other every Monday and Wednesday evening at college. I'm not reliant on him financially - but I wouldn't leave him in the lurch - I'd always help out with bills etc even if we weren't together - I can't be petty like that. I still think we can salvage things as long as he stops listening to the WT and listens to me.
tif21- I am so sorry - my heart aches for you. You took the words out of my mouth - how can people go door to door telling people how to live, how to have happy families, how to be honest, how to follow Jesus closely - it makes me sick - total hypocrisy - don't they ever think that this is laughable? How can a person who treats his/her partner like a piece of rubbish trot out to service handing out family books with a smile - they certainly are brain dead- complete and total robots!
