In need of advice

by NY23brown 10 Replies latest social relationships

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  NY23brown

  Yet another visit from JW's at our door, demanding to speak to only my husband and claiming to be friends of "his family". It has reached the point that I contacted the sherriff's department and was informed to sent a certified letter to the local Kingdom Hall.

  DH hasn't been a "witness" since his teen years. I had a falling out with the in-laws (avid JW's) over them hitting our daughter while we were on vacation visiting them. DH didn't speak up about it, instead let his parents take over and has since pretended the incident never happened. They have made life miserable for me ever since and have ruined what used to be a fantastic relationship. Now my DH uses me like garbage, claims I am "abusive" to him and his parents, and makes out like they are saints.

  DH refuses to see my side of this and claims I am a hateful person who can't stand his family and wish his parents were dead. Yes, he did actually say this:( I lost my own father when I was a teen due to a heart attack and he randomly threw in to his fight how I hated him too (?)...making me out to be some evil, hating person... I did not enter our marriage hoping I'd have in-laws who hate me, but here I sit. I have printed off screen grabs of his mother bad mouthing me to his family on Facebook, have a letter from her that blames our 2 yr old for deserving to get reprimanded while we visited them on vacation three years ago, and then, of course, the visits from the JW's trying to lure my DH back to please his mother. He's claiming she is not behind these visits, but I know she is. At this point, I am feeling that my spirit is badly broken. I have suggested marriage counseling but he is refusing, claiming that I am the one and only problem. I'm definitely seeing a lot of narcissistic behavior. So many hateful things said to me last night and claiming I am the reason for all his problems. I feel his parents have finally turned him on me. Trying to figure out how to get myself out of this mess. Oh, and threatened me that his father will take me to court and get our kids...then acts like his parents are saints. They have underminded me for months through emails, texting my DH. They have never shown much interest in our children, until I stood up to them about hitting our daughter.

  Sorry about ranting...just needed a place to vent.
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  nugget

  feel free to vent sometimes you just need to get it out there. This is a mess but may seem worse due the elevated feelings and the harsh things that were said. If your relationship is suffering you do need to work something out for the sake of the children it cannot be healthy for them to be caught in the middle of this and worrying about what is happening. Even very young children will pick up on the negative vibes in a household.

  Send the letter to stop having elders call, if your husband wishes to contact them he knows where they are. It seems to me his parents have spotted a weakness in his relationship and are moving in to try and grab him back whilst things as in the unsettled state. JW parents can be very controlling and it can be difficult for their adult children to stand up to them.

  I would have a calm discussion with your other half and ask him what he wants. His words seem very harsh and he does not seem amenable to getting a neutral viewpoint. But once you know what he is thinking then you will have a clearer idea how to proceed. If he is sorry for what he said and wants to try to work with you then you can suggest that for the sake of the children you need help to get through this. If he says it is all over then you will still need to resolve things but differently.

  You are a mum and mums can do almost anything when the chips are down, we do what is best for our children.
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  elderelite

  Im so sorry.....((((u)))) I dont have any words of wisdom beyond hang in there.....
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  Snoozy

  You have a choice..make plans to get out ..or stay and suffer 75 % of the time..It doesn't sound like you and your feelings are being respected but merely tolerated.

  It doesn't get any better when you are married to a JW or they are strongly attached to their JW family.

  I stayed and was miserable even tho I loved him to death..Now that he has passed away I can see how abused I was in many ways by hubby and his mom and sister. ( All JW's)
  No one should be allowed to say the hurtful things they (JW's) can say and get away with it. It's up to you if you want to put up with it or not.

  I am sympatetic to what you are going through but remember we all determine our own happiness. Don't complain if others mistreat you and disrespect you and you allow it.

  Unless you want to be like the woman in the Feb Magazine they just put out and let them wipe their feet on you so to speak...

  Snoozy
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  DesirousOfChange

  Before you run out and file for a divorce, I would say seek some professional counseling. In the US most insurance plans cover initial visits but if you do not have insurance, consult Family Services and they can usually recommend a counseling center that bases fees on income. If he won't agree to go to counseling with you at first, go alone for your own sake, and hopefully he will agree to join you later. (It worked for me.)

  Likely your hubby has been put on a guilt trip by his over-bearing mother. First, in any way to react, remember it is not good to put him in a place where he has to choose between the two most important women in his life. He will resent that. Build him up because very likely his mother is tearing him down. If he feels good with your actions and bad as result of hers, you will win him over. You refer to the "fantastic relationship" that you two once had. Thus, there must have been "something" there good between the two of you at one time that is still worth working to restore. A counselor will help you to learn how to deal with the situation you two have. Often it's not what we say, it's how and when we say things. And if he will join you, (s)he will help him to learn how to stop his family from "abusing" him.

  Been through it personally. IM if you like.

  DOC
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  NY23brown

  He will openly complain about his parents...how he was brought up, his mother's "crazy cult", how his dad was mean to him...yet he caves when they want something. One example-he doesn't even mow our large lawn (I do it), yet his parents call from out of state and want him to drive over to their property in our state and mow their lawn (usually an overgrown mess from neglect and a lengthy process to clean up). He'll complain about it (and them), but then off he goes to do what they want. Meanwhile, he is not helping with chores around our own home. Plus, that is then taking up time to spend with our daughters because they are occupying his free time. They don't pay him to do this either, they feel they are owed. If they can own two homes, they ought to be able to hire someone to upkeep the lawns on a regular basis. If I mention anything about it, he is easily irritated and accuses me of "attacking" him. I'm not trying to make him pick sides. I believe his mother is, however.

  I was not raised in this type of controlling environment so I'm at a loss on this. Prior to the fall out with his parents (over hitting our daughter), I had always been friendly to his parents. After they way they treated us, I suggested they come visit the grandchildren in our home, since they used the excuse that they can do "what they want" when we are under their roof. My MIL insisted our 2-yr old was misbehaving terribly (refused a piece of chicken and it dropped on the floor). She screamed at our daughter and said she had "rotten parents". Who in their right mind would want to revisit them? I simply will not subject my daughters to this kind of treatment ever again. I feel I have been more than reasonable in trying to deal with my MIL. Besides that, it was their choice to move away.

  Anyway, I am now being given the silent treatment by my husband. This weekend is my birthday...then Thanksgiving. I have noticed a pattern of his parents either showing up at our home (they live out of state now) or sending over the elders prior to any holidays or if they know we might be celebrating something with my side of the family. Can JW's really be this vindictive? This really seems to be the case, and it disgusts me.
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  jamiebowers

  Go to counseling by yourself, so if the time comes to end your marriage, you'll know that you did everything you could to save it. Jws typically display deranged behavior, because they're in a cult. It sounds as if your husband either isn't totally mentally out, or he is co-dependent in an abusive relationship with his parents. Apparently he has assigned a god like status to his father, since he suffers under the delusion that his father could get custody of your children. It's never going to happen.

  I'm old and crusty and short on patience, so take this bit of advice for whatever you think it's worth. If your husband can't stand up to his parents on your behalf or in defense of a two-year old child, then he's not much of a man. All you have is another child, and this one apparently has a non-existant spine and a smart mouth. As for him doing lawncare for his parents, a good way for you to put the end to that is for you to stop doing the lawncare at your home. Make him take reponsibiity for his own family.
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  GLTirebiter

  He's claiming she is not behind these visits

  I can't help wondering if he isn't behind the visits. He's acting like he's mentally in the Kingdom Hall, even if he isn't physically there. I can't say for sure this is the case with your DH, but there's a saying among volunteer firemen: "When the going gets rough, you revert to your training." His training was at the Kingdom Hall. Keep that in mind.
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  NY23brown

  I don't believe he is behind the visits as he seems to be uncomfortable and caught off guard when they come knocking. He's friendly to them, but he is also placating them. The one guy is good friends with his mother and has shown up twice in a row. I've actually heard them mention his mother and say things like "Are you feeling depressed?", "Remember __ __, when you used to come to the Kingdom Hall? He has moved back to the area and would love to see you at a meeting again.". He wasn't even home when the JW's showed up this past week. I dealt with them and told them to leave. Husband had been picked up by a coworker but his car was in the driveway. The elders (who apparently know whose cars are whose in our driveway) got testy when I said he wasn't home and when I asked what their agenda is, since they will only speak to him. I know these aren't the average drop a Watchtower off at a random residence visits, because they don't try to converse with me at all. I'm pretty sure they assumed he was home, would hear a commotion at the door and come speak to them.

  Like I said, things were great until his parents didn't get their own way. Now he is being pressured to apparently choose between them and the kids and myself. I do believe he is greatly fearful of being cut out of his parents' lives. Unfortunately, I am the one getting blamed for this pressure and I don't want him to have to choose, rather just put his priorities in the right place. He is married and should put us first. When not at work, he's becoming a recluse around the house to avoid me most of the time and avoids household chores and parenting responsibilities. Thankfully, I work from home which allows me to be there full-time for our kids, but I do get tired of always working and not getting any help around the house. He sometimes tries to minimize my role and what I do for the girls, and him, as if he is the only one earning money. Anyway, it is almost like having a mouthy teenager in the house lately. He needs a good slap beside the head to realize what he is doing to us. Maybe I should just call his mother and tell her to come pick up her bratty son so she can pick up after him ;)

  I do appreciate the advice.
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  Black Sheep

  Sorry to hear the mess this cult is creating for you.

  Two things you should know.

  1) The WT teaches that they were selected by Jesus in 1919 to be god's sole channel of communication in our day. If your husband even suspects that there is a possibility that that might be true, he is in danger of jumping back into the cult.

  Put it this way, if he believes that isn't true, he should be telling the local elders to bugger off and mind their own business.... and he isn't doing that.

  2) The WT teaches that Jehovah is going to kill everyone that is not a JW. Soon. Like very soon. Like get your affairs in order now type soon. The dead will include himself and his children if he is not a baptised, preaching member in good standing. Unbelieving partners (that's you) are a danger to children, especially once they are of an 'age of understanding' and should have joined the church.

  Therefore, there is a strong possibility that dear sweet Grandma will tell your kid that Jehovah is going to kill Mummy. I suggest not letting her have unsupervised access to your daughter.

  Chris