I posted earlier on here today about the gut-wrenching physical ailments that come from living a double life as a fader. It's effort. It's work! I have to try and remember who knows what, where, when and I'm always double-checking alibis. I'm an ADULT and I feel like a teenager sneaking out of the house to go makeout (...like I'd know what that feels like--I was a good, petrified, brainwashed DUB drone who never endulged in normal adventures like that, but you know what I mean). I'm constantly afraid of "getting in trouble." I'm sick of it. I have found mental freedom from the borg. I'm OUT, just on the inside. It's like, I got through the ticket counter at Disney World but haven't walked through the final gate into the park--I'm where I wanna be! I see everything. I see the good, the bad, the ugly, the scary and it's such a rush! But I'm emotionally cockblocked and can't go through with entering the park and enjoying it. FEAR. Fear and dread of WHAT. OTHERS. WILL. THINK. And it's starting to anger me. I've had very powerful dreams for the past few nights where I'm absolutely telling my mom off--I mean nasty, profane, hateful, awful things--and it feels GREAT!!! But in real life, I'm not angry. We have a great relationship on the face. The only time our relationship hits a wall is when WT comes in. That's always been a force that can take a perfectly stable, happy day and turn it into a hateful battle of angry words and tears. Perhaps I've entered a new phase in my fade. It is very much like a greiving process. I'd lable this stage "Anger." I know better than to call my parents and come out to them while I'm in this stage. It will get ugly. While I was in earlier stages, I was afraid of hurting them, letting them down and horrified about what they'd say and think about me. I feared the guilt trips (which they will hurl, esp my mother). Now, I'm cautiously aware of this anger that has built up just under the surface. I'm afraid that I'll blow up at them after they get their jabs in. Rather than feeling bad, I'll get angry and lash out. I'm soooo utterly bitter and full of hate and revenge and spite and disgust at those loathsome old bastards on the GB. And there are horrible, horrible asshole elders who have given me and even my faithful loyal parents PURE HELL all along. I'm not cool about a lot of the elder bashing on here because my dad is one and I always felt bad about how much time and enrgy he put in to his "job." He was exhausted, overworked and still faced harsh criticism by those high-ranking, controlling jackasses with money. Many elders are victims themselves--with far more to lose (spouse and offspring). GOD, it's this hard for me and I'm a single bachelor with no kids! This should be a cakewalk!
Brainstorm: I thought about just "getting caught" some how. I'm not a bad person at all. But maybe if I just got caught doing something judicially wrong so I could get DFed for something other than apostacy. If that happened, I believe my parents would still stay in touch with me. But if I DA or get busted for apostacy--that's it! DONE. So, have any members on here thought about that as an exit strategy? Hell, I'll even LIE and make something up: "Hey, I banged a worldly waitress like 10 times this summer and decided you should know." (I'm also attracted to dudes, so that scandal would actually be a relief to my parents who certainly "wonder about" me since I've never married and it could even put an end to a lot of the hateful gossip in dubland). Get DFed publicly. BAM--the band-aid is off. Done and over. I'm inside Disney World. People won't badger me about coming back in because they're not allowed to talk to me and my fam will still be in touch about necessary business. No more of those "didja like the WT article this morning" phone calls on Sunday afternoon. No more "though of you when I read this Awake! article (Cut Paste)" emails on the nights they know I'm supposed to be at meeting (which I haven't been in 2 years and never want to go back again--ever). UGHHGHGHG this is so draining!!! See, GB WBTS??? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO TO PEOPLE??? I can't even think and enjoy this gorgeous evening you miserable fucks!!! I WANT YOU ALL TO DIE OF CANCER, SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY. I WANT there to be a hell just for you bastards fucking up the one shot at life for so many millions of people. But there is no hell. We only have the time left here in our fleshly bodies on planet earth so I need to get your viral infection purged from my life--your cancerous growth must be removed down to the root before I can move on.
Does it get better? Really? Will I ever experience happiness again? Will there ever be a time that I can take that gaping void left behind and fill it with wonderful life experiences? Will the nauseating sensation that washes over me when I see a person at Walmart or hear a name or phrase from Dubland ever go away?