*sigh*

C.O.B.E.Beef

This is my first time participating in a site like this , so please
forgive me if my approach is clumsy.
My story is not extraordinary and hardly interesting, so thanks
in advance to this forum for extending the bandwidth for my own
therapeutic purposes.
As a 2nd generation born in, my life has been marked by a flurry
of “theocratic” activities. I pursued with all sincerity the goals
set ahead of me by my parents and enjoyed the feeling of their
approval as I progressed in the truth. I was grossly undereducated
(dropped out before high school), as secular education would do
little to prepare me for the new system, which was sure to arrive
before my manhood.
As I grew up doubts surfaced , and I quickly tried to drown them
by studying Watchtower literature. Any lingering feelings of doubt
that remained I wrote off as a personal weakness that should be
ignored. I never considered consulting outside sources which were
sure to be spiritual poison.
So as an adult I have lived with full trust in the things I was
taught , full speed ahead to keep pace with the JW momentum. The
result has been decades of many assignments and responsibilities,
privileges of service that brought me joy and affirmation that my
worship was acceptable.
My life was not likely to change…but it did.
With the birth of our child, I was so excited to teach him the
truth about Jehovah and raise him in the best way of life.
But a strange thing happened , the words that I read to him hurt
me, words I had taught for years to others were causing pain and
anxiety to me as I spoke to my precious son. WHY?? The feeling I
had was exactly what I felt when I had committed a wrongdoing. Why
did it hurt my conscience to teach sacred truth to my firstborn?
As time went by , it occurred to me that what I was feeling was
guilt. It was my choice to suppress my doubts earlier and continue
trusting what I was told. But what of my son? He trusts me above
anyone else. Im now building the foundation for the most important
person in my life.
Could I really teach him something as absolute truth, if I haven’t
thoroughly researched it myself??
I’ll take no such gamble with his future. His future is far more
important than my heritage.
My research has led me to few real answers. It has rocked to the
core things I have long considered as Divinely Certain .
Uncertainty is probably the most terrifying feeling for a witness.
Now as I sit here today, I feel like someone with multiple
personalities. The new me needs to protect my family from the old
me. I know the consequences for what I must do, but strangely I do
not fear them.
The only result I will not accept is losing my wife and children.
I wont leave her in a burning building because she doesn’t realize
it is on fire. I would have little influence from the outside. Im
unsure what course I will take but I know it will take some time,
because the roots are very deep , and there are few things more
powerful than familial approval.
I understand some here may label me as a hypocrite because of
still holding position, I’ll wear that badge of shame here if need
be . My resignation and exit is forthcoming , but it will have to
be a calculated one.
Waking up to the truth hasn’t brought me any happiness yet, but I
am hopeful. The only joy I have is knowing for a certainty that my
kids wont have to make the same decision that I just did.
Thanks for listening.
P.S . Out of paranoia,for now I will only be able to post while
out of town for work as I am now.

journey-on

C.O.B.E.Beef....Thanks for sharing your ephiphany with us. Many of us have been where you are right now, at that very stage. Becoming a mother did the same exact thing to me as you describe in your post. The questions, the fears, the doubts, the uncertainty all came together and it set me on a track that changed my whole life. It took a while. When you have been programmed from infancy to just accept the repression, it is truly scary when you look at your beautiful child and "hear" the question: Do you really want to do THAT to this child's life. Take away all the wonderful possibilities?

My one piece of advice: Don't stop praying. I did and it was a mistake. When I finally started again in a new and better way, peace walked with me and showed me what steps were next.

Added: Oh, and WELCOME! Look forward to more posts and hearing about your journey on.

jamiebowers

Welcome to JWN. Here you will find helpful tips on dealing with the truth about the "truth". The fallout of your newfound discovery will probably be the most painful experience of your life, but it will also bring freedom and happiness in the long run. This is the place to rest your burdens and share your knowledge and eventual joy.

As far as being a hypocrit for maintaining your position in the congregation, you'll get no criticism from me. Do what you have to do to save yourself and your famly. Good luck and God speed. Eventualy you'll come to the contented conclusion that part of growing up and living free of delusion means not having all of the answers.

AnneB

I wont leave her in a burning building because she doesn’t realize it is on fire.

Your statement is valid only to a certain point. You may come to realize that one parent who has made it to safety is a better example to a child than two who are breathing the smoke on the inside. Certainly be patient, but somewhere along the line give your wife credit for being a rational human being and let her make her own choice, just as you are making yours.

Love and best wishes to all involved,

AnneB

FollowedMyHeart

Welcome, C.O.B.E.Beef! You are in good company here. There are many here who share your situation, so you are by no means alone in your struggles!

As Witnesses, we were raised to believe that there is an answer to everything (that conveniently comes from the GB), and uncertainty is a sign of weakness. However, in reality, the opposite is true. A Latin proverb says, "Where there is doubt, there is freedom." Embrace your doubts and uncertainties, as they are your keys to freedom. I wish you strength, patience, and peace in your journey.

FM

Ding

Welcome!

Glad you're checking things out.

If you're ready to face some unpleasant facts about the WTS, please read Ray Franz's Crisis of Conscience and check out everything he claims the organization has said in its publications. Those things are verifiable right out of published WT literature.

talesin

C.O.B.E. Welcome!

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It's a courageous thing to do.

It touches my heart that you have such concern for your children's future, and your love for them has given you a reason to live a truthful life. I am a born-in myself, and understand exactly what that means to you!

Since we are allowed to express our own opinions here, it's true that some may criticize you for staying 'in', feel free to ignore them. They are few and far between.

And one last, very important thing:

We have no badge of shame here.

talesin

mf6

C.O.B.E. Beef, you have a PM

zoiks

C.O.B.E.Beef, first of all, great username.

Congratulations on giving yourself permission to search. Sometimes it takes an event such as the birth of a child, or some other event or situation - good or bad - to start us down this path. Rest assured that you have nothing to prove here, no 'badge of shame' for still being in an appointed position.

When I began my exit, I was serving as an M.S., and while nobody here judged me for continuing in that capacity for a while, my own hypocrisy was too much for me to take for long. I don't have a poker face. Many others here have served as Servants, Elders, Gilead grads, etc. Everyone has their own choices to make, their own trail to blaze.

I know that a few elders here have used the Family Worship Night to help their families out - that may be something for you to look into, at some point. What's important for you right now is to start forming an exit strategy, and continue to seek support. Do things at your own pace. No need to rush. Know that you're not alone, and that by having woken up to the truth about the truth, you have already come a long way.

sizemik

Welcome C.O.B.E.Beef . . .

I’ll take no such gamble with his future. His future is far more
important than my heritage.

I salute you for that. In spite of claims to the contrary . . . being part of this religion poses the biggest threat to our true obligations as parents and marriage mates. Your family is obviously the highest priority for you, and you've got that dead right IMO. Don't ever let that change.

I hesitate to use a battlefield analogy, but the journey ahead is like a strategic retreat. Stick your head up above the trenches and run . . . and all you end up with is your ass shot off and on your own. Like any strategic withdrawal it must be well thought out and executed to minimise casualties. There's more involved than simply being true to ourselves . . . we need to make personal sacrifices to be true to those who depend on us.

You'll get (mostly) good advice here on that score . . . this is strategic retreat HQ.

Take your time . . . glad you're here.

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