I’ve come so far but I can’t move on - WHY NOT??

by GoingGoingGone 35 Replies latest jw experiences

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  bafh

  GGG....

  I'm going through the same process in some ways. I'm not married, and own my own business [work from home] - I need to be with more people. It is funny to me though, because the JWs who talk to me now are the same ones who talked to me when I attended the meetings. No love lost there. Meetings for me were not a social support in very many ways because I didn't fit the mould of what a single woman should look like. I didn't pioneer, I wasn't struggling financially, I was ambitious with my own business, I wasn't pining for a man, and I was smarter than almost everyone I met. I'm not bragging in any way - but those were and are the facts of my life.

  I went through a time where I tried to just stay to myself. It didn't work out too well. So now, like you I go to Meetup.com events which I'm enjoying a lot. If it causes you too much grief to join those events without your husband, can you do things while he is at work?? You can start your own meetup group, or suggest meetups during the day while he is at work. Doing some volunteering during the day would A) get you out of the house and around people and B) Get him used to the idea that you do things without him while he is at work. It could be something simple like volunteering to help kids learn to read at a school or volunteer with an organization that supports people with cancer.

  I've been going to some meetups, and it is sort of awkward or uncomfortable at first. But, the whole purpose of the meetup is to meet new people based on common interests. People are generally friendly, nice, and introduce themselves easily. So far, I've two super nice people who have initiated being friends with me. Feels good.

  You've got lots of options. Take it step by step. Oh, and keep up the therapy. I'm doing it now, and it's a bugger, but I believe that people heal through listening. Your therapist should be there to listen to you. And, if something itsn't working, let them know. It's their job to help you figure out how to make it work.

  We're all rooting for you!!
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  Giordano

  Volunteer for something. What seperates the volunteer from you right now is that they are doing something positive for their community, they work with others and build relationships with people in common cause.

  So check which non profits you have in your community. Friends of the Library if your a reader. Friends of the museum if your interested in art. Anything related to Cancer might be interesting unless you need to distance your self from that. A lot of causes have thrift or up scale consignment stores if tretail would interest you. Master gardener. Animal shelters. The free Clinic. Historic Preservation. If your interested in going back to school check with community schools, colleges etc. and see if they use volunteers/interns. There are a ton of non profits in need of volunteers. You will not make any money but you will earn respect.

  The reason I am picking that route is that you can control your time and just ease into it and you can pick your spot. One project or meeting a week, one small job accomplished can be a tonic. The working pressure is reversed with volunteers, because your free labor it's the organization that has to demonstrate that your wanted and they have to keep you comfortable on some aceptable level.

  What do you get out of it? Purpose. Meet people that you have somthing in common with......... they are there to help which is why you are there. Seeing the same people on a regular basis allows friendships to build. Disacover what your good at.

  You'll build job skills and your resume and quit often volunteer work turns into a paying job. If you can do a great job for free imagine what an employer will think of you if and when you decide to get a paying job.
• 

  LongHairGal

  GoingGoingGone:

  I can relate to what you say. Even though as a ten-year "fader" I have moved on, there are still times that I will get angry over my experience in the religion. While this and other boards are helpful and useful to newbies and others, sometimes I have to leave it alone for a while because it keeps my anger alive, which for me isn't good. Other people are different. You say you aren't "moving on" but you are: it is just coming in slow degrees. You may not realize just how much you have changed and grown since you left the religion. Don't get down on yourself.

  I enjoyed your story and wish you good health as a survivor. The advice all the other posters have given you is good. Everybody's circumstances are different so you have to do what is best for you and your family. You feel anxiety because you want to get it done all at once. I know this feeling but somebody once told me an expression: "an elephant is eaten one bite at a time". Thinking about your whole life ahead of you would cause anybody anxiety. This is also where that other old adage comes in: "take one day at a time". So take baby steps and do one thing for yourself first.
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  Curtains

  goinggoinggone

  thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. like you I often feel stuck as my husband is also a loyal jdub. THis is not an easy situation to cope with and I wish you the best. I am so sorry to hear about your major health problems on top of everything else.

  I do courses to fill my time and they give me a great deal of pleasure. Other than that I only see my immediate family so I don't really have much advice to give you. But the suggestions you have been given are great. A friend of mine does voluntary work in her spare time and although her friends come and go she does meet lots of new people. We were having a discussion about friends and loneliness recently and we came to the conclusion that we have been set up to expect too much from friendships by the way that JW friendship is promoted. But really their definitions are a lot of hot air because their ties are based on religion and not on the meaningful emotional, spiritual bonds they promote their friendships as.

  So we decided to throw away their definitions and ideals of how friendships ought to be and decided to be open to whatever comes. And then we started to look back and compare some of the new passersby we'd met and decided that they were more real friends when compared to the JW ones we'd been tied to.
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  GoingGoingGone

  Wow, so many great comments, thank you all so much!

  Just to clarify - I do have a job. My husband has his own business and I run the office from home. It’s not full time, and it’s flexible, and it was especially great while our kids were young. But now that I’ve left the JWs, working from home can be lonely. Finding a job outside the house after all these years is kinda scary, though...

  Chariklo - You made so many good points. >> Although you're mentally out of the JW's a lot of your life is still hemmed in by that system. Of course you need friends. Even more importantly, you need just plain social interaction outside the JW artificial bubble. You also need to be able to turn your focus outwards into the "real world".>> This is so true... I have recognized that socially, I still tend to think like a JW. As a JW, you walk into a KH and have insta-friends. You know what everyone thinks and what their values and morals are, what their belief system is, and what their goals for the future consist of. The WTS calls it “Theocratic Unity”, but it is actually the absence of individual freedom. Strangely enough, freedom can be a scary thing to those not used to it. I feel like I’m socially stunted sometimes, like I don’t fit into the rest of the world. And also, by losing all my JW friends, I lost all my ‘history’... these are people whose kids grew up with mine, who we went on vacations with, who I laughed and cried with. Now, they barely acknowledge my existence. I feel so betrayed. Like Quandry’s husband, I’m afraid of getting hurt again. But I don’t want to continue like I am now.

  lil.lady.03 - Congrats on drifting away at 23!!! You’re one smart cookie, and brave, too... I wish I had left so young. And just for the record - the PARTY PARTY stage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be :) I bet the other ladies in your book club love having some young blood in their group! :) And your suggestion about contacting relatives that aren’t JWs is a good one, too. I missed out on so much with them all for so many years that I feel like an outsider there, too. But I can’t roll back the clock, so I’m starting from where I’m at today.

  lozhasleft - A wonderful marriage, an education, and new friends - you should be proud as well. As far as getting over the past, I think that there are some things so painful that they change us forever. The goal, in my mind, is to not let the fear of more pain paralyze us so that we cannot find joy in the rest of our lives. That’s what I’m trying to avoid right now. I might hang those words on my bathroom mirror: Life is Not a Dress Rehearsal.

  unshackled - You brought up a good point - as JWs, we were always waiting for Paradise. Never doing anything to help ourselves, not going to college, not saving for retirement, not getting a promotion... just waiting for Jehovah to fix all our problems when Paradise came. Makes for a very passive person when it comes to helping one’s self. I’m not passive by nature at all... lol... quite the opposite. But I see that I might be when it comes to this situation that I’m in. Hmmmmm.....

  bartj - I have been on livestrong... great site. I should read the book you mentioned.. sounds very interesting!

  Quandry - so sad for you and hubby :( ... Instead of you going out, would he let you for example invite a neighbor couple for a glass of wine one evening? I’ve thought of doing this myself, thinking neighbors aren’t so intimidating to my husband, but he’s not at all interested. But maybe I’ll just go ahead and push the issue at some point... he might find that he enjoys himself more than he thinks.

  As far as my husband skipping a meeting to do something with me... when pigs fly....

  Found Sheep - Hugs back! :)

  sizemlk - thanks :)

  skeeter - sending you a pm

  Will Power - Yes I DID lose your number! Plus my husband is home so much that it would be hard to talk about him... LOL!

  I was doing yoga here for a while and I love love love it! I’ve never done Tai Chi. My husband loves going to the gym, so maybe I’ll see what classes they have there and sign up. I DO need a gentle push and support, you are right. Not sure what a progress buddy is but it sounds good! :) Have fun this weekend!

  bafh - I’ve thought of volunteering at a school near here. I did it for years when my kids were in school, I’m sure there is something I could do now. It would be a first step, yet somewhat familiar. But I’m definitely going to try to motivate myself to go to a meetup.com event.

  Giordano - you make good points about volunteering, and some good venues I hadn’t thought of!

  LongHairGal - One step at a time.... good advice always.

  GGG
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  GoingGoingGone

  Curtains - Sometimes I also think that we have inflated expectations of friendship from being raised JWs. We are welcomed into other people's extended families as if we belonged there, and that doesn't happen outside of religious or sometimes cultural settings. So accepting what very well may be reality is a good first step I think... sad as it may be...

  Hugs to you!

  GGG
• 

  Curtains

  hugs to you too!

  what fascinates me is how effective promotions can be and how they become reality when we want them to be so
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  Band on the Run

  You are suffering from institutionalization syndrome. I faced it upon leaving home and now I must go throug hell again after a lengthy illness made me dependent. The Witnesses purposefully isolate their members. Friends leave but I've had work friends that seemed so intimate that I'd know them forever and two weeks after not working, the relationships were over.

  I'd think in broader terms than the JWs. They are merely a symptom of a process prisoners, mental patients, prisoners of war, etc. encounter. It is not easy to make new friends when you are not in school anymore. How well I know. When my illness went into remission, I had zero friends and only my mom. Intellectually, I knew I had to join everything, volunteer, sit with people in bars and restaurants. I am an extravert and the hurt was profound. I am still striving to return to my normal.

  Even though you may not have a substance abuse problem, I'd recommend Twelve Step open meetings. Some people can be controlling as part of their disease. One of their slogans is take what you like and leave the rest. Meetings are structured so you can vent, state your fears, hopes, etc. without advice or people pleasing commentary. Each meeting is autonomous so I'd try a few for a feel. Everyone present is struggling, too. Shared pain isn't as heavy as individual pain. Frankly, the controlling people annoy me like hell but then something within me is triggered to be so bothered. It helped me enormously.

  I don't have a detailed belief system. The church experience was important to me. I volunteered and worshipped at Anglican churches were people were kind and socialable. I was used to heavy, intellectual sermons in NY and found fluff here. It isn't about intellect though but feeling support and Christian love. Many people attend primarily for socialization reasons. Talking to individuals, almost no Anglicans I've met believe the line from Canterbury. It is a very different form of worship. Dissent is encouraged. When I wanted robot answers like the Witnesses and asked certain questions like why people suffer if God is loving, the priest told me he had the same questions that were still unresolved. The answers are not as important as being a member of a community asking similar questions. It doesn't sound like your cup of tea but it is worth a try. I imagine all the main denominations are similar.

  I well know the ache in the soul that isolation brings. Right now I just read a book entitled Loneliness. Loneliness caused cellular damage to our bodies. Biologically, we are a social animal and need it.
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  flipper

  GOING, GOING, GONE- I'm sorry you've gone through so many stressful things in your life. As the Moody Blues once said in a song " How long will it be this way with your arms around the future, and your back up against the past ? " I've been there myself a number of times in life - and it's never easy moving on in life- it takes courage.

  It sounds as though you still are in fear somewhat of your JW husband. You have been accomodating HIS life and interests so as not to be able to pursue YOUR interests. You stated " We're doing well now, as well as we can with the WTS first place in our marriage , and me in second place. " Also, " I want to be able to talk to my husband about things that matter to me . " Also you stated, " I'm terrified if I pursue worldly relationships , it will drive a deeper wedge between my husband and myself. We'll be living two separate lives. "

  The point is my friend : You already ARE " living two separate lives ". You may be in denial about that possibly. But it also may be stressing you out beyond your ability to deal with it . Thus the advice to keep seeing your therapist is great advice indeed. I lived also with a JW wife for 19 years who minimized our relationship and put the WT society in first as her husband -not me. It can be years after years of loneliness just accomodating someone else to the absolute neglect of yourself and getting nothing in return. Has your husband been to counseling WITH you ? Perhaps a good idea. Sounds like there are issues to be worked out.

  The advice others gave to you about seeking out friends online and in volunteer groups is awesome ! Once you start getting involved with others you'll make some great friends. You present yourself well and seem open and conversational - and that's good. You mentioned your husband resenting your possibly developing non-witness relationships - what does he expect of you in not attending meetings ? To live in isolation ? That's not fair on his part and it's controlling behavior , unacceptable. Do you tell HIM which friends he can have at the Kingdom Hall ? He needs to lighten up and you need to assert yourself. Him being a JW man will need to accept you are your own person, not his slave. Your marriage should be an equal partnership , not you giving in to his every need or want.

  So- That's about all I have here. Hang in there kiddo , things will work out, even if it doesn't work out the way you may have thought, keep an open mind , stay close to your kids, develop friends, close to your therapist , and tell your husband what YOU want . Dealing openly with pursuing your freedom of mind is much easier than keeping it inside and tearing you up emotionally. Just my 2 cents on what I've found
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  GoingGoingGone

  Band on the Run - Interesting you should mention Twelve Step programs.

  My therapist suggested I try going to Al-Anon (there were substance abuse problems in my family growing up), but for some reason I just didn't think it was going to be the place for me. But I went anyway, figured that I should at least give it a chance. And while I could relate to a lot of the people there, the 'God' aspect drove me crazy... people thankful to God for helping them find a missing CD, for helping them through the day, etc.... I wanted to scream! I don't believe in God, and I certainally don't want to be relying on him for every little decision in my life. The chanting/reading of the 12 steps reminded me of the rote learning of the WT study.

  I left there wanting more of the 'fellowship' of people who had gone through similar things to myself, yet angry at all the god-reliant people who couldn't give themselves credit for what they themselves accomplished. And since it evoked such a violent reaction in me, I really wondered what caused that. I still don't really know. I haven't been back, although I still think about it... we'll see.

  I can't openly attend a church while my husband is a JW. I did (secretly) attend the Catholic church for a time, when I first left the WT, but after years of research I am a content agnostic. I couldn't join a church just for the social aspect of it. That's just not me :)

  GGG