Firstly, I'm a study who initially believed every word of the JW's. Figured "no other religion takes the time and effort to help people understand the Bible by publishing The Watchtower and the other literature" not realizing that all it does is pick and choose scriptures to suit whatever sentence they'd just written, which can be done using ANY book, not just the bible. I felt foolish, after that.
Secondly, after I had been brainwashed into believing that they were God's chosen organization on earth (though the bible makes no mention of organizations) the illusion that i was amongst the most loving people in the world was created. I convinced myself that being with these people was a blessing, blah blah.
Thirdly, I fell hook line and sinker for the idea that sticking close to "God's organization" and doing his will was the only thing that made sense in a dying world. I was comforted by the idea that there was no point in making anything of myself in this world when there was another awaiting "loyal servants of Jehovah." so of course i came to the conclusion that "serving" meant obeying the governing body, etc.
These things are what kept me studying for so many years. I reached the point where i felt ready to make a deeper commitment. At the same time, I was having a hard time meeting people in the congregation i truly got a long with because I was suppressing my individuality and personality to fit in with "God's people." and the more meetings i attended, i saw first hand the hypocrisy of "God's people." and though i kept being told "No one is perfect, we're just the ones trying the hardest." I CAN'T believe that crap because there are people in the world BETTER than those in the kingdom hall's but there's no telling JW's that. They turned it around and said "You can't judge." when that's all they do when it comes to everyone else outside. They also said "Yes, there's good people, but they're not doing the work we do." So, I fell for that one, also.
I suffer from social anxiety so the idea of doing the field service has tortured me. I don't have the attitude of "That stupid wordly person who just slammed the door on me is going to be destroyed at Armageddon and I'll be made perfect so to hell with them." so that isn't helping me out. The JW's aren't too practical there either: "Oh the holy spirit gives us the strength to go door to door!"
I have PRAYED that if this is what i should be doing to please God and help myself to a better life, that I could make the next step. THAT'S when I learned the TRUTH about the 'truth.' And I took it a sign that my prayer had been answered. I DO NOT HAVE TO GO DOOR TO DOOR SPREADING LIES TO STRANGERS WHO ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF FINDING JESUS CHRIST ON THEIR OWN.
But according to my study conductor that answer is just Satan deceiving me. Apparently God is not listening and doesn't care that i emotionally, and mentally cannot go out in the field service. I've cried, prayed, cried and prayed and this is the answer I keep getting. Along with all the other evidence that the Watchtower Society is no channel of God's.
But every time I tell my study conductor this she implies that researching things for myself means I'm an idiot ("read the watchtowers, read the awakes! The internet is there to stumble us.") and all my doubts and answered PRAYERS are Satan, satan, satan. Apparently God doesn't love me enough to put my mind at ease and confirm YES, JW IS the way to go, and is allowing Satan to drive me mad wondering.
I can't lie anymore. I sat through a district assembly with the bile rising in my throat. The constant reinforcement that university and education is not important next to pioneering, the difference between "worldly" families and witness families, seeing nothing more than a whole bunch of people who dress and speak alike, trying to be what they can't (perfect.) At one point during the lunch hour I walked the whole place and didn't get one "hello" from this so called "new family" should I decide to get baptized. I've been to a few witness outings and found the atmosphere and the conversations boring as hell. Do witnesses really have nothing more to talk about than the field service, the talks they've heard, the latest weddings?
My question is how do i tell a zealous study conductor that I want to stop studying if "Satan" is the answer to everything?