It's just my personality to go the fade route, but I can't handle it anymore. I lost respect for myself. I won't write a DA letter out of respect for family. But, I'm thinking of telling everyone, I'm going through some issues and need a break from everything.
My health is getting worse. It turns out I have legitimate reasons for missing the meetings, because my stomach is bothering me a lot of the time. And it's all wearing me out.
What makes it even harder, is sometimes I doubt myself. I doubt the doubts I'm having if that makes any sense. Looking back, even as a young person, I would look around at school at my classmates, and wonder, what makes me so special to be born in the only true religion.
Throughout the years, I've been weaker and then stronger, but always in the back of my mind, questioning everything. While in the ministry, my words to the householder sounded hollow, simplistic. I wanted to believe it so bad. I felt I had a relationship with God.
Now, it is not easy figuring all this out, and taking much longer than I thought. But, again, that is my personality too. It takes me awhile to plan and organize, but once I make up my mind, it's done.
Well, that's what is going through my mind while not attending the Thursday night meeting.