Help please - my wife wants a divorce

by IMHO 56 Replies latest social relationships

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  IMHO

  I've read some old posts and they don't really fit my situation.

  My wife just told me she wants a divorce and that's it after nearly 20 years., she doesn't want to try to work on it.

  Other posts talk about friends and family. I have no family and no friends (due to a lot of traveling).

  I went back to my hometown a year ago (after many years away) and even then old friends treated me as a stranger, like they've moved on.

  I've had a lot of emotional / mental problems, basically a breakdown so have found it impossible to fulfill my role as a husband for many years, emotionally and physically and she said she's had enough, although she's never talked about it before.

  She went out and had an unplanned one-night-stand. I forgive me but she says she doesn't love me anymore.

  We both find it very difficult to communicate our feelings. I want to change although it will be hard with my emotional, mental and physical condition and want her to stay but she will not even give me a chance.

  Any help gratefully appreciated.
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  yknot

  She sounds pretty serious......

  I think the only way to salvage anything or at the very least allow yall to part ways with minimal damage is counseling......

  I don't know if it can be saved, that is between yall.

  Sounds like yall both could benefit from learning some new coping skills....

  Worth a try or stalling tatic.......

  "Dear Wife, I respect your desire to end the marriage, I admit my 'faults' too, however I also discern that both of us would benefit greatly if we sought a marriage counselor to 'make sure' this is the best route, if it is, than the counselor can assist us in transitioning through the divorce process and aid us both in learning new coping skills...... I love you , this is hard for me but I love enough to let you go too... I just ask for a little more of your time, please, have some mercy on me and take this perhaps final path with me...

  Again she sounds pretty serious .....

  I am sorry for your tribulation...... whatever the outcome know you have our support!
• 

  IMHO

  Thanks for the reply and the suggestion of marriage conselling. I have suggested that but the answer was basically "NO", she doesn't want to try anything.

  I don't have much strength (emotionally) but I feel I can't just give up without a fight.
• 

  FreudianSlip

  I know the thought of being without her feels like your heart is being ripped out. I promise you, you'll get through it like so many others before you. Right now you need to work on building friendships and outside relationships so that your entire focus is not on that person (I understand because that's how my life has been for far too long).

  Others might recommend marital counselling, but in my humble opinion, that's just prolonging the inevitable. If you love her, you'll let her go and be happy. It might take that much for her to realize that she loves you. Or, you might realize that you can be happy on your own. Don't drag out a failed relationship (again.. speaking from experience).
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  yknot

  Why .....

  Do you want to really stay in the marriage?

  She has cheated, yall have both allowed the relationship to deteriorate......

  So why are you wanting to 'save' it now versus before she cheated?

  (I am not judging, just wanting you to thinking deeply)
• 

  IMHO

  Thank-you FreudianSlip, I appreciate what you say.

  Due to my mental state I cannot make friends in the real world at the moment as I can't talk to people. My wife does everything for me that I can't do online. Makes all telephone calls, answers all calls. If she's not there the phone doesn't get answered.

  And I suppose I don't want to admit the marriage has failed because despite the fact I know that it takes two. I would view myself even more as a failure. I just give up without trying but I really don't know what to try?

  Ultimately I want her to be happy. I just want to be the one to make her so. Maybe I'm just being selfish. I fear living without her. I fear whether I can live without her.
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  IMHO

  We've had a lot of trouble in our life and I mean a LOT and I think it distracted us from the fact that we were neglecting our marriage. We were both unhappy and have been for a long time, but not with each other. At least I didn't think or know so.

  If I had known before she cheated that it needed saving I would have started to, or at least tried to then.
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  yknot

  Sounds like your wife has 'burn-out'....it is pretty common with full-time caregivers who don't get any breaks.....

  Let me ask you ...... what really is preventing you from making an appointment with your physician and talking to them about anxiety. Seeking out a therapist who will assist you in developing new social and coping skills, and forcing yourself to 'get up, get out, and get busy'.....

  Are you willing to tackle your 'issues' to keep her?

  Yknot...... a recovering social anxious person..
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  IMHO

  Yknot you've hit the nail on the head there.

  That is one of the big problems I have. I am willing to do it. I've been reluctant in the past as I've never held 'counselling' in high regard.

  The additional problem now as I've let it go on so long is speaking to someone to arrange it.

  Over the past few weeks I've asked my wife if she would arrange an appointment for me and be with me to help me explain my problems but she doesn't want to. To make things worse I really don't think I could cope with talking to a man.

  I find it very had to express myself face-to-face.

  My wife seems to have started caring less when she started on anti-depressants a couple of months ago.
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  FreudianSlip

  IMHO, do you leave the house? I'm just wondering if you possibly suffer from agoraphobia.